


500 Miles

by Atlantis_Jackson, Merrov



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Alternate Universe, Angst, Child Abuse, Established Relationship, First Time, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, Kid Fic, M/M, Romance, Substance Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-10
Updated: 2011-09-10
Packaged: 2017-10-23 14:38:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 90,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/251440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atlantis_Jackson/pseuds/Atlantis_Jackson, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merrov/pseuds/Merrov
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk five hundred more just to be the man who walks a thousand miles and falls down at your door.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Art for 500 Miles by fawkesielady_ed and padfootthegrim](https://archiveofourown.org/works/250984) by [clwilson2006](https://archiveofourown.org/users/clwilson2006/pseuds/clwilson2006). 



> Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage. PEOPLE WITH ANY ABUSE TRIGGERS SHOULD NOT READ THIS STORY. Lots of drugs, sex, and alcohol, angst, and awful relationships and situations. Seriously. All the warnings.
> 
> Huge thanks to our betas: Camshaft22, McKaysMirth, Clwilson2006.
> 
> Beautiful art by Clwilson2006

[](http://archiveofourown.org/works/250984) ...... [](http://archiveofourown.org/works/250984) ...... [](http://archiveofourown.org/works/250984)

  


Art by [](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/clwilson2006/profile)[**clwilson2006**](http://www.archiveofourown.org/users/clwilson2006/)

[The soundtrack and the track list, complete with excerpts, can be found here.](http://padfootthegrim.livejournal.com/177815.html#cutid1)

Jason didn't remember a time when he and his twin sister weren't ushered quickly into the house whenever the neighbors across the street started shouting at each other. They could be heard through the walls of the house, screaming and throwing things. Sometimes Jason and Jess heard someone crying, like a kid, but their parents wouldn't talk about it. "Mind your own business," their mother told them softly as she took them inside.

Jason had seen the boy who lived in that house at school but they were never in the same class and he never spoke to anyone. The first time Jason actually saw the boy who lived in that house close up, Jason was nearly twelve years old. He and Jess were riding their bikes up and down the street while dad did work in the yard.

Jason turned to look at the house when he heard a giant crash and a man yelling. A moment later the kid ran out of the house and down the street. He wasn't wearing any shoes and his shirt was ripped.

"Hey," Jason called after him, but the boy didn't look back.

Jason's dad spoke out sharply, "Jason, Leave him alone and come inside. It's lunch time."

Jason did what he was told, but he always made a point to look for the boy after that.

When school started again, the boy was in his class. Jason grinned when the teacher sat them next to each other. "Hi," he said as the boy sat down. "I'm Jason."

Behind him, Jess kicked his chair. Jason ignored her. "What's your name?" he prompted.

"You live on my street," the boy said instead of his name.

"Yeah," Jason agreed. "I saw you the other day and I wanted to go say hi, but dad made me come in for lunch."

Jess kicked Jason's chair again and the boy turned to glare at her. "She looks like you," he observed.

"That's my sister, Jess," Jason waved dismissively. "We're twins. Ignore her."

"Jason," Jess hissed, but Jason just smiled at the boy instead.

"Jason, Nathan," the teacher said sternly. The boy, Nathan, nearly jumped out of his seat. "This is not the time for talking."

"Sorry, Mr. Sweeney," Jason apologized. He grinned at Nathan, but the other boy wouldn't even look at him again. Jason sighed and looked back up at their teacher.

At lunch, Jason and Jess went though the lunch line with most of the other kids, then looked for a table. Jason's milk kept threatening to tip over, so he let Jess lead them, his focus on his tray. It was only after they sat down that Jason looked around, finally spying Nathan in the farthest corner of the lunch room. He didn't have anything in front of him and seemed to be staring at the wall.

"Jas," Jess warned, and Jason turned to look at her. "Mom and Dad would pitch a fit if you started being his friend."

"I don't think he has a lunch," Jason said, picking his tray back up. "I'll see you later."

"Jason!" his sister called, but he didn't turn around.

"Hi," he said as he set his tray down across the table from Nathan. The other boy jumped and stared at Jason with wide eyes. "Want some? I can't finish all this," Jason offered, gesturing to his food.

The other boy's eyes drifted down to stare at the tray and Jason watched as Nathan swallowed hard. "Thanks," he said in a small voice.

Jason grinned and gave Nathan half his sandwich. Nathan practically snatched it out of his hand, taking a big bite immediately. "So your name's Nathan?" Jason asked, taking a bite of his own sandwich. Tuna salad, _yuck_.

The boy jerked and glared at Jason. "Nate. Don't call me the other thing."

"Okay." Jason agreed.

Nate nodded and finished his half of the sandwich in two more bites. Jason gave him the rest of his half.

—-

"Jess said you made a new friend today," Jason's mom said after dinner. Jason was knelt between the coffee table and the couch as he worked on the Transformers puzzle they'd started the night before. Mom was sitting on the edge of the couch and she was supposedly helping, but Jason hadn't seen her pick up even one piece. He almost had the face of Optimus Prime put together and his mom was supposed to be working on Bumblebee and Arcee, but she was watching him instead.

"Yeah, his name's Nate," Jason answered. "I shared my lunch with him because he didn't have anything. I guess his parents didn't pay for school lunches and forgot to pack him one."

"Jess says it's the boy from across the street," Jason's mother's voice was quiet and careful in a way Jason hadn't heard before, different enough that he actually looked up at her before he replied, the first trickle of doubt that something was wrong.

"Yeah," Jason answered. "I think he must be really shy maybe? He doesn't seem to have any friends."

"Jason, it was very nice of you to share with him today, but..." she trailed off and sighed. Jason kind of got the feeling that she now wasn't sure about what she was trying to say. "I don't want you to do that anymore."

"Why?" Jason asked, baffled. "Nate was hungry, mom. He ate the sandwich, and it was _tuna salad_."

That surprised a small laugh from his mom, but she sobered quickly and shook her head. "You've always been such a kind boy," she sighed, "but this kid, Jason I don't want you hanging out with him, okay?"

Jason looked back down at the puzzle, his eyes stinging a little. He was angry and upset with his mother. She was telling him that he couldn't be friends with Nate but he didn't understand why. She wasn't giving him any reasons that made sense; just not wanting him to be friends with someone was stupid."But I don't think he has any friends. And he's really nice mom." Optimus smiled up at him from the table and Jason reached down and picked out the puzzle piece with his grin on it, his vision blurring a little as he slid it into place. He sniffed as the tears stung his eyes and he tried to push them back, it wasn't fair. "Mom, I don't understand. Why can't I be Nate's friend?" he asked, hoping that his mom would change her mind.

"Jason, baby, don't cry," his mother sighed, sitting on the floor beside him. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him close. Jason buried his head in her shoulder, warm tears finally escaping his eyes. "I'm just afraid you're going to get hurt."

"Nate wouldn't hurt me," Jason objected, his sullen voice muffled. His mother's arms squeezed him a little tighter.

"I know, baby, I know. But his parents might."

"Oh." Jason thought about that for a minute. "But his parents aren't at school."

"They live right across the street from us, though," his mom pointed out. "They could do anything to you while you're out riding your bike or playing, especially if they see you with Nate."

Jason nodded, but that was the first time in his life he really regretted telling his mother about something.

—-

Jess watched Jason like a hawk during school, and Jason kind of hated her for it. They were twins, usually inseparable, but now all Jason wanted her to do was go away. At lunch, Nate watched Jason hopefully as Jason went though the food line, but when Jason sat with Jess at a different table, Nate's face closed off again and he turned to stare out the window. Jason's chest hurt and he suddenly wasn't hungry, even though they were having spaghetti.

Lunch was almost over when some of Jess' friends came up and dragged her away to their table, and Jason leapt at the opportunity. He stood up, grabbed his tray and looked around, but he couldn't see Nate anywhere. Disappointed, Jason sighed and took his tray to the trash.

At recess, Jason found Nate hiding under the slides. Jess was still busy with her friends, so Jason quickly ducked under the slides and into the pea gravel next to Nate. "Hi."

"Hey," Nate answered flatly. "What do you want?"

"Nothing," Jason answered. "Wanna play?"

"Play what?" Nate asked, slowly making a small mountain in the gravel. Above them kids yelled and the slide squeaked as it was climbed on.

"I dunno," Jason thought for a minute. "Transformers? You can be Optimus if you want." Jason knew he was trying to make up for not sharing his lunch, because he loved to be Optimus, but instead of being excited, Nate gave him a confused look.

"Who's that?" he asked.

Jason stared. "Optimus Prime? You've never seen Transformers? What do you watch then?"

Nate shook his head. "Dad's always using the TV."

"Oh," Jason fidgeted for a moment, running his fingers through the gravel. He added another pebble on top of the mountain Nate was building, then found a leaf and planted the stem in the top of the mountain. "We could play explorers," he suggested. "We're space men and we're exploring a new planet!"

Nate looked up at him for a minute before slowly nodding. "Okay. And this is our spaceship."

"Yeah," Jason grinned. "But we have to be careful. I think there's aliens on this planet."

"Aliens?" Nate's eyes got bigger as he peered around the edge of the slide. "I see them!"

"There's the Queen!" Jason growled and pointed at his twin. "We can't let her see us or she'll feed us to the alien vampires for sure!"

Nate gasped as Jess turned her head toward their direction. "Oh no! What do we do?"

"Let's go this way so she doesn't spot us," Jason suggested, slithering out the other side of the slide. Nate followed a moment later.

—-

Jess glared at Jason in Music, so he knew she'd seen him and Nate at recess, but Jason didn't care. Nate was a lot of fun and he had good ideas for their games. Jason wanted to be his friend, and though he knew his parents wouldn't like it, he was going to do it anyway.

After school, Jason looked for Nate as he and Jess stood in the bus line, but he didn't show up. He hadn't ridden the bus the day before either, and Jason shrugged, assuming Nate's parents must pick him up. Jess looked at Jason once they were in their seat on the bus and sighed.

"Look, I'm not going to tell mom."

"You're not?" Jason asked, surprised.

"Everybody needs friends," Jess replied. "And I think you're right and Nate doesn't have any. He looked like he was having fun for the first time ever at recess."

Jason grinned. "We were playing space explorers."

"Not Transformers?"

"No," Jason turned to face his sister. "He's never seen it. He says his dad's always watching the TV and he doesn't get to watch anything."

"He doesn't have a TV in his room?" Jess asked, surprised.

"I guess not," Jason shrugged. "Not everybody does."

"I know that, dummy," Jess poked Jason's shoulder.

"Maybe I can show him some Transformers episodes sometime," Jason said, mostly to himself.

"He'd have to come in the house and Mom would be mad," Jess warned.

When they got home, it was dinner and homework and a show before bed. From his bedroom, Jason peeked out his window at the house across the street. The kitchen light was on and Jason could see two people making lots of sharp gestures at each other behind the curtain. In a room just a wall away, there was a dimmer light, like from a small lamp, and Jason thought he could just make out Nate, sitting on the edge of his bed, staring back at him.

oOo

Nate sat on the edge of the bed staring out the window at the house across the street. The house was dark except for a very faint light coming from one window, and Nate thought he could see a silhouette of a small person. He didn't know who it was of course, but he liked to think that it was Jason looking over at him.

His parents were in the kitchen, screaming at each other again and that was nothing new, he'd learned a long time ago how to let the noise float to the background. He couldn't ignore it thought, that would be too dangerous, he had to stay alert. At least they were yelling at each other and not at him this time. He'd had a good day, he hadn't eaten lunch of course, and dinner for the night had been a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that he'd made himself because there was never enough steak for him to have any. At least he'd been able to sneak a glass of milk to go with it. Other than that, it had been a good day; he and Jason had played space explorers and he'd had fun. Real fun, the kind he read about in books, he couldn't wait for tomorrow, he wanted to see what Jason would come up with next.

Nate got off the bed and walked over to the window. He gave a small wave and smiled when the shadow across the street waved back. "Transformers," he said softly and wondered what a Transformer was.

"Nathan?"

Nate gasped and rushed toward the bed and dove under the covers, closing his eyes and pretending to be asleep. He'd been so transfixed on the house across the street that he hadn't even heard the shouting stop.

"Nathan," his mother said as she opened his door. Nate didn't answer, he just made a soft sleepy sounding moan and rolled onto his stomach, keeping his face turned away from the woman. He just squeezed his eyes closed and prayed that she would turn around and go away. He had to force himself not to tense up when she came over and laid a hand on his back. Sometimes, not very often but every now and then, Nate wondered if she had loved his real father, if she had gotten pregnant with him with the intention to be the best mother ever. Times like this when her touch was soft and her voice was sweet, it made Nate's heart ache for the life he might have had if his real father hadn't died.

Finally, his prayer was answered and she walked away, closing the door behind her. A few minutes later he heard the sex noises coming from his parent's room; the higher pitch of his mother's moans and his father's low grunts, the bed smacking against the wall again and again. This was the norm for his house, his parents would shout and fight and normally he'd get pulled into the middle of it and be sporting a nice bruise the next day. But it always ended with his parents having loud sex the next room over. Nate hated his life, only not so much now. His home life still sucked donkey balls, but at least he had a friend now. He knew that Jason's parents didn't want him to be friends with Nate. He'd seen it so many times in his life, the neighborhood parents rushing their kids inside whenever he came out, and then looking at him with pity. None of them ever did anything to help him of course, and Jason's parents were no different. But at least Jason was willing to befriend him, and a friend was something Nate had never had.

An hour after the sex noises stopped and the house had been quiet, Nate silently climbed out of bed and tiptoed through the house to his father's study. He really didn't know why his father had a study, it wasn't like he had a job or anything. Neither did his mother for that matter, but sometimes she'd stay out all night, and Nate had heard the neighbors talking about her, he couldn't really say he disagreed with their thoughts. He slipped into the chair, grabbed the remote and blanched when the TV started moaning as the screen showed a small woman being violently fucked by a large man. Nate shivered and lowered the volume as quickly as he could, then bit his lip and listened for a noise as he tried to decide where to hide. No noise came, and he eventually let himself breathe and began flipping through the channels trying to find Transformers. He cycled through all seven channels twice before the door flew open and he heard his father's deep voice.

"Nathan Dade Stackhouse!" The man shouted and Nate had never loved the fact that his step-father hadn't adopted him properly more. Nathan Dade Ellenberger just wouldn't sound very good.

Nate jumped off the chair and stared at his father, there was nothing else he could do, he'd been caught. He knew that meant nothing but bad things as he dropped to his knees and waited for the blow. It came, high across the right side of his face and the tears stung his eyes even as the man hit him again.  
"Please, daddy," Nate cried, knowing that daddy was what the man expected to hear. "A kid at school told me-"

"Told you what?" Augustus Ellenberger asked, his hand pulled back ready to deliver a third blow.

"Told me about Transformers," Nate said, "I just wanted to see if it was on. I wanted to know about it."  
He prayed that his father would take that explanation without hitting him anymore. That hope was futile though, and the back of his father's hand hit hard across the right side of his face again.

"What did you think? That I wouldn't know you came into my study?"

"I'm sorry daddy, I just wanted to know what it was. Please don't hit me again." The plea went unnoticed as his father's hand hit him again.

"Please daddy, I'm sorry," Nate cried as he crumpled onto the floor.

"I should think you are, you little bastard. You know you're not supposed to be in here."

Nate took a deep breath and zoned out as Augustus unbuckled his belt.  
—-

When Nate woke it was to the beep beep beep of a hospital monitor.

"You're awake," A voice said, but Nate didn't recognize it. He looked around until he saw a woman in a red and white striped outfit. Neither of his parents were there, and that didn't really surprise him at all.  
"How..." Nate managed before he fell into a coughing fit.

"Two days," the lady said as she lifted a straw to Nate's lips. He drank the blissfully cool water and  
thanked her.

"You're welcome," she replied as she stepped away from him. "I'll come by and see you a little later," she said as his parents walked into view.

"Oh," Nate said and closed his eyes. He knew that here he was safe; they couldn't hurt him here, but he wished they would. He might lose Jason, which would be a major loss, but at least he'd be safe if CPS took him away.

"Oh, Nathan, you had us so worried," his mother cried.

"When you fell down the basement steps, you didn't get up and we rushed you straight here," his father added and Nate just nodded.

"Right, the steps, how could I have forgotten that?"

"Don't be ungrateful boy," his father snapped, losing his temper for a moment, but of course no one was around to catch it.

He spent the rest of the day in the hospital, wishing that something would happen. Wishing that someone would inject him with something he was deathly allergic to, but it didn't happen. It never  
happened.  
—-

The next day, Nate sat in his corner and watched as the tendril of blue smoke rose from his mother's cigarette and his father lifted a bottle of amber liquid to his lips again and again. He'd hoped they'd let him go back to school today; the bruises were two days old but apparently his parents didn't think they'd faded enough. This was how his day would be spent, sitting in this corner watching his mother smoke and his father drink, he was used to it. Later, his mother would go into the kitchen and soon the house would be filled with delicious smells of the food he wouldn't be allowed to eat. He'd go make himself a sandwich, and something to drink if he was lucky. Then he'd be sent to his room to eat.

At least he'd have a little peace tonight. His parents never hit him when he'd just been released from the hospital, they didn't want to risk having to take him back so soon. That was why they'd had to move towns; the hospital people started wondering why Nate kept falling down the stairs. People had come to the house, looked in the refrigerator and cupboards, they'd looked in Nate's room and around the house. While they asked him questions, his father had stood behind them making stern faces at Nate.

He'd lied to the people for fear of his father's wrath. He'd heard too many stories of abused kids being kept with their abusive parents and he just knew he'd be one of them. So he told them he was happy, that his parents were the greatest. He told them that he had meat and vegetables for dinner every night and sometimes he got chocolate cake for dessert. He told them he had dozens of friends and that some of them spent the night sometimes. In the end the people had left, shaking hands with his father and telling him they were sorry for having wasted his time, sometimes kids were clumsy and there wasn't anything to be done about that. That night, Nate had been given a turkey sandwich and a soda for being good.

The next day they were packing up.

Nate walked into his bedroom with the butter and syrup sandwich and his glass of water. His face was still too sore to eat it, but he couldn't tell his parents that. He sighed and went over to the window. The house across the street was completely dark and he hoped that Jason hadn't changed his mind about being his friend. He wouldn't hold his breath though. No one wanted to be friends with him, no one ever had. He waved toward the window that had the shadow in it the other night before sitting on the bed and taking a tiny bite of his sandwich.  
—-

At school the next day, Nate watched the door for Jason, he wanted to see his face when he walked in and saw Nate sitting there. Most of the time, people didn't notice when Nate was absent, and if they did they never mentioned it. Even all the teacher had said was welcome back, Nathan, glad you could join us. Nate sat up straighter when Jason walked into the classroom. He saw the faces of both Jason and Jess light up a little. Jess nodded at him slightly before taking her normal seat.

Jason sat down in his chair and started digging in his backpack. "Where were you?" Jason asked before he even looked up at Nate. "Wow! What happened to you?" he asked. "Are you okay? I was really worried about you."

"I'm fine," Nate replied, "I fell down the stairs."

Nate didn't know Jason too well yet, they'd played together a couple of times and Jason had shared his lunch once, but that was it. He didn't know what Jason was thinking, but all through class, Jason kept sneaking glances at Nate. Nate never looked back for more than a second.

Nate hated lunch time; the teachers wouldn't let him go directly out side, he had to sit there and watch all the other kids have lunch. He watched as Jason went through the lunch line, and part of him hoped that Jason would just go sit beside Jess like he'd done the last time, but he didn't, he brought it over to where Nate was sitting. "I got extra stuff," he offered, sitting across from Nate. He looked at the food that Jason was offering. It was roast beef and Nate's mouth started watering. "Thanks," he said as he took the food off Jason's tray. His jaw still hurt; it was painful to talk and even worse to eat, but he was starving and the food looked delicious. He grunted and squeezed his eyes closed as he chewed the bite.  
"You okay?" Jason asked and Nate could hear the concern in his voice.

Nate wanted to tell him the truth, he wanted to look at Jason and say, No, I'm not okay, my father beat the crap out of me and my entire face hurts. He wanted to tell Jason where he'd spent the first two of his three day vacation, but he couldn't. Things like that got around and his father would know Nate had told before he even got home from school.

"Just a little sore," was what Nate settled for, "it was a long flight of stairs and the basement floor is hard."

Maybe Jason would know that he was lying. Maybe... but Nate wasn't counting on it.

He took another tiny bite and sighed at the pain, not wanting to draw anymore of Jason's attention.  
—-

Nate's bruises healed as the days turned into weeks, and his and Jason's friendship grew. They were still only school friends; Nate was grounded for two months for having gone into his father's office without permission, and Jason's parents didn't want him hanging out with Nate. Nate was used to that kind of behavior, it had been going on for as long as he could remember in every neighborhood they had ever lived in, but it still hurt. It wasn't Nate's fault that he had the worst parents in history, it wasn't his fault that he was always showing up to school with bruises under his clothes. He was always extra rough in gym class just so he could cover for his parents when all he really wanted to do was tell.

Sometimes, he envied his sister, little Samantha Ellenberger. He was eight when she was born and ten when she died. He'd protected her as best he could, but Augustus was just so much bigger than he was, and in the end there was nothing he could do. He sat there in the kitchen, clutching her tiny body and apologizing to her all night while his father sat in the living room drinking. His mom came home almost eight hours after it had happened. She hadn't even cried. Nate wasn't allowed to go to the funeral, but he knew that neither of his parents had cried there either. Nate was the only one to shed a tear for Sammie, and he still cried for her. He did envy her sometimes, but mostly he was glad it was her and not him. If it had been him, she'd have been left with their parents alone, and she was just too small to have been able to do it.

He pulled the pillow over his head and tried to muffle the sounds of the shouting. He hated weekends.  
—-

"Hey."

Nate was asleep on the bench outside of school when Jason had arrived. He looked up at his friend and smiled weakly. "Hey back," he replied.

"Didn't you get any sleep this weekend?" Jason asked and Nate just shook his head.

"It wasn't a good weekend, but at least my grounding is over today. I can go outside."

"That's good," Jason said as he sat down on the bench beside his friend. "Hey I got us something."

"Yeah?" Nate asked, his excitement showing. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd gotten anything.

"Yeah, check this out."

Nate sat up straighter as Jason unzipped his backpack. "What's that?" he asked when the other boy held up what looked like a robot.

"It's a Transformer walkie talkie," he replied and held it out. "You push this button here to talk, and as long as I'm not pressing the button on mine, I'll be able to hear you."

"Like we're talking on the phone," Nate said as he took the toy and tested the button.

"Yeah, only you have to let go of the button to hear me. That's why you have to say 'over' when you get finished with what you want to say, that way I'll know you let go of the button."

Nate was excited for a full minute before he handed the walkie talkie back. "I can't take that," he said sadly.

"Why not?"

"Because, if I can hear you, my parents will be able to. I don't want to get either of us in trouble... especially me."

Jason didn't take the walkie talkie, instead he just pushed Nate's hand away. "Well, only use it in your room, and when you hear your parents coming, even if I'm talking, just press the button. They won't be able to hear me. And look," Jason did take the toy now and held it sideways, showing Nate the button. "If you press the button and then slide this little switch, the button stays pushed. That way if your parents come in the room while we're using them, you can just do that and not have to hold it."

"Couldn't I just turn it off?"

"Yeah, but it makes a pretty loud click when you turn the knob. Listen."

Nate shook his head when he heard the click. "Yeah, they'd hear that from the kitchen."

"I used my allowance to get these. I was saving up to get the giant sized Optimus Prime, it's almost a foot long, but I wanted to get these instead. I wanted to be able to talk to you at night, and... if you get into some trouble, you could call me and I could maybe get you some help."

Nate's chest tightened and his eyes burned, no one had ever cared for him that much. Jason was one of the good kids, but he was doing what his parents told him not to do whenever he hung out with Nate. He couldn't help it, he was so overwhelmed with emotion that he couldn't stop himself from leaning over and hugging Jason tight.

Jason was quiet, but he hugged Nate back just as tightly, and didn't say a word until Nate had let him go. "I had some money left over when I bought these because they cost a lot less than the giant Optimus Prime, and I got something else." He dug into his bag again and pulled out a smaller version of the robot walkie talkie. "This is a Transformer; they didn't have any of Optimus left, so I got you Bumblebee. He's cool too. Watch."

Nate watched as Jason magically turned the robot into a car and then back again. "Wow," Nate managed to breathe.

"Yeah, pretty cool huh? Anyway, I wanted you to have him since you didn't know what Transformers were. I also wanted to invite you over to watch some Transformers episodes at my house."

"I can't, my parents don't let me go over to people's houses, and your parents wouldn't want me at your house anyway."

"That's why we wait until our parents are asleep, then you sneak out your window and come to my house. My mom likes flowers, she can't make them grow, but she has the ladder thing they're supposed to grow up, and its right outside my room. You could climb up and we could watch, then you'd be back in your bed before anyone knows what happened."

It sounded dangerous, but fun, and Nate really wanted to see the show. He also really wanted to spend some time with Jason out of school. He nodded, "Okay, but not tonight. It's Monday and my dad is always up really late watching football."

"Tomorrow?"

"That would be better, my mom stays out all night on Tuesdays, and dad gets extra drunk and passes out on the couch."

"Okay then, my house tomorrow night at... whatever time the lights go out as long as your dad's asleep."

Nate nodded, he was a little scared to be trying this plan, but he was more excited than anything else. "Tomorrow," he agreed.

oOo  
Tuesday night couldn't come fast enough for Jason after that, but finally the bell rang for the end of the Tuesday school day and Jason was quick to follow Nate out the door. "I'll see you tonight, okay?" he asked, making sure.

"Yeah," Nate agreed, though he looked a little nervous. Jason was nervous too, but excited.

"It'll be fun," he grinned.

At home was dinner and homework, then family time. Jason couldn't help fidgeting all through the game of the evening, but thankfully his parents didn't seem to notice. Finally, it was bed time, and Jason quickly brushed his teeth and put on his pajamas before saying goodnight to Jess and his parents and shutting the door of his room. Now all he had to do was wait until all the lights were out and Nate would be over.

Jason waited. And waited. It felt like forever, and he had to stop himself from trying to call Nate on the walkie talkie. He didn't want to risk Nate's parents catching them. He could hardly stand the suspense though and was dying to know what was taking Nate so long.

Jason went to his window and looked across the street at Nate's house. It was quiet, and Nate's mom's car wasn't in the driveway. Maybe his dad wasn't quiet asleep yet. Or maybe Nate had fallen asleep while he was waiting. Or maybe there was still a light on in Jason's house? Jason turned and carefully avoided the squeaky spot in his floor as he made his way to the bedroom door and opened it. The lights were all off upstairs, and Jason didn't see any glow from downstairs.

Quietly he shut the door and went back to the window. He'd just settled in for a long wait watching Nate's house when a head popped up on the other side of the glass. Jason fell back onto his butt on the floor in shock. "Hey!" he hissed, laughing softly.

Nate gently tapped the glass with his fingers, and Jason got up and quietly opened the window. "I wondered if you'd fallen asleep," he said as Nate crawled through the window.

"And miss this? Are you kidding?" Nate whispered back. He looked around Jason's room curiously, and Jason pointed out the squeaky part of the floor.

"Don't step there and my parents shouldn't wake up. They're used to the TV being on while I'm asleep."

"Okay," Nate agreed, carefully making his way to the bed.

Jason grinned and pushed a tape into his VCR before joining Nate. They snuggled close on the bed and Jason snuck glances at Nate as the Transformers episodes progressed. Nate's focus was completely on the screen, and Jason had to smile, pleased that his friend loved the show as much as he did.

When Jason woke up, it was still dark, and the clock next to his bed showed that it was only 3:28. He and Nate must have fallen asleep! The TV was still on, but they'd reached the end of the tape. Nate was still asleep, buried in a nest of blankets and pillows and Jason.

"Hey," Jason poked him gently. He felt bad waking Nate up; he always looked so tired at school. They couldn't be found out though, and Jason knew that if Nate's parents discovered he was gone it would mean huge trouble for Nate. "Nate, wake up."

Nate moaned and snuggled deeper into the bed, nuzzling closer to Jason in the process. Jason's stomach fluttered a little and he held still, just watching Nate for a minute. He really didn't want to wake him up, but he had to. "Nate," he whispered again. "Come on, man, you gotta wake up." He shook Nate's shoulder gently.

"Mm?" Nate slowly blinked awake, looking up at Jason. Jason's stomach fluttered again, but he tried to ignore it.

"We fell asleep," Jason told him. "It's still the middle of the night but you should probably go. I don't want your parents finding out you're gone."

Nate looked at Jason silently for a moment, and then nodded solemnly. "You're right. My dad would kill me."

Jason didn't want to think about how much or little Nate might be exaggerating. "Yeah," he agreed.

Neither boy moved for another minute, both of them warm and comfortable. Finally Nate sat up and rubbed his eyes. "I'm sorry I fell asleep."

"That's okay," Jason answered, smiling. "It just means we'll have to do this again."

"Yeah," Nate laughed softly. He slipped off the bed and gave Jason a shy smile. "Thanks. I had fun."

Jason grinned. "Next Tuesday?"

Nate thought about it for a moment. "Yeah, I think that'll work." He made his way across Jason's room and to the window. "I'll see you at school."

"Bye," Jason watched Nate disappear before he closed the window and slipped back into bed. The sheets smelled different, and Jason realized that it was Nate he was smelling. With a soft smile, Jason pulled Nate's pillow closer and closed his eyes.

oOo

"Come on, Jason, get off that swing and run with me!" Nate called as he ran circles around the swing set.

"Run? I'm tired," Jason replied.

"Yeah, run! I sit in my room all the time, but I'm out now and I want to run." He stopped beside Jason's swing and held out his hand. When Jason swung forward Nate tapped his shoulder. "You're it!" he shouted and started running toward the trees.

"Not for long!" Nate heard Jason shout. A moment later they were running through the grove of trees they'd claimed as theirs.

"Gotcha!" Jason shouted as his fingers brushed the back of Nate's shirt.

"Dang," Nate said as he slowed to a stop. "Well I guess that means I'm it, huh?"

"That's usually how the rules go," Jason replied, but before he could start running Nate reached out and tagged him again. "That's not fair," Jason said, but he was laughing.

"Sure it is."

"No, you have to at least wait until I start running."

"Okay, okay, start running."

Jason turned around and Nate tagged him again. "Okay, now you're it."

Jason sighed and turned back around. "Alright, I'm it." Nate turned around and Jason tagged him.  
"That's..."

"What?" Jason asked and cocked his head, "not fair? Of course it is. Your rules."

Nate laughed but before he could reach out, Jason was gone.

"Dang," Nate cursed and started running after his friend. He laughed as he chased Jason through the trees, but as they were about to run around a large oak, Jason's foot caught in an unearthed root and he tripped.

"Ja-" Nate started, but he was running so fast that he couldn't stop himself before he was falling over Jason.

Jason grunted as Nate fell on top of him. "Damn, Nate, for a skinny guy you sure are heavy."

"Sorry," Nate said through his laughter as he rolled off of Jason.

"You're such a butt," Jason laughed as he rolled on top of Nate.

"I'm a butt? How do you figure?"

"You fell on me," Jason responded.

"Yes, but you're the one that tripped. I couldn't stop."

"You could have tried."

"I did."

Jason opened his mouth and it looked like he was going to say something, but all that came out was a deep laugh. Nate couldn't help but laugh with him.

"Ow," Nate laughed, "my stomach hurts."

"Hey," Jason said, his laughter starting to taper off. "You wanna go climb a tree?"

Nate shrugged, "I've never climbed a tree."

"Well, my dad says there's always a first time for everything."

"Okay then, let's go."

"There's a good one over here," Jason said as he got up and started walking away. "It has low branches. It'll be easy to climb."

Nate got off the ground and followed Jason through the trees until they came to a tall thick tree with branches almost to the ground. "Wow," Nate said as he touched one of the low branches. "This is awesome."

"Come on."

When Nate looked at Jason he was gone. "Jason?" He asked.

"Up here."

Nate looked up and found Jason sitting on one of the branches above him.

"Come on up, Nate, it's easy."

Nate took a deep breath and started climbing. He couldn't keep himself from thinking what would happen if he fell out of the tree. He'd probably hit branches on the way down and that would break his ribs. One of the twigs could poke him in the eye and he'd be blind. Jason would have to run home and tell his parents and since they were good, they'd call the ambulance, then Nate's parents would find out. At that point, Nate would think his broken ribs were just a stubbed toe.

"Hey," Nate looked at Jason when he called out. "Stop thinking so much."

"How'd you know I was thinking?"

"We've known each other for a little while now, Nate. I know what you look like when you're thinking about what your parents are going to do to you. Just stop thinking about that or you _will_ fall."  
Nate took a deep breath and climbed up another branch. "Jason," Nate said, and he hated how his voice was shaking. He wasn't even that high off the ground.

"Okay," he heard Jason say, and a moment later, Jason was on the branch beside him. "We'll do it together."

"I'm scared," Nate admitted softly, and he realized in that moment that he wasn't talking about climbing the tree.

"I know," Jason replied. "I am too, but we can do it together."

"Okay, I trust you," Nate said and reached up. He grabbed the next branch and pulled himself up as Jason did the same. He repeated the action, climbing up another branch. After that, it got easier; the branches were closer together and moving around the tree and it was like climbing a spiral staircase. Before long Nate was straddling a branch and looking down at the ground. "We did it."

"Of course we did," Jason replied and took Nate's hand in his. "We can do anything when we're together."

Nate smiled and squeezed Jason's hand. "Yeah, we can. Thank you."

oOo  
"Who are you talking to?" Jess' voice made Jason jump and he quickly thumbed the button and shoved the walkie-talkie under his pillow.

"No one," Jason rushed. "Why are you in here anyway?"

"Mom said to tell you dinner was ready," Jess replied, coming completely into the room and shutting the door. "Do you and Nate have radios?"

"Jess, come on, leave me alone," Jason groaned, but Jess was persistent. She walked over to the bed and stuck her hand under the pillow. Jason grabbed for her but she'd already found the walkie-talkie and jumped back out of reach. "Jess!" Jason shouted, but Jess just smirked at him and clicked the button.

"Sorry, Nate, your boyfriend has to come down for dinner now!" She laughed and tossed the radio back at Jason before running out of the room.

"Sorry," Jason groaned when he was alone again. "Sisters."

Nate snickered over the radio. "It's okay. I should go anyway. My mom's getting ready to either leave or got to bed and she usually pokes her head in for some reason or another. I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"Okay," Jason wished he could hug Nate or something, but all he could do was look out the window. "I'll see you there."

oOo  
Nate laughed quietly and pressed the button on his walkie talkie. "Yeah, that was great," he replied to Jason's comment, remembering the last episode of Transformers. He'd been sneaking over to Jason's house every Tuesday for the last month and was absolutely addicted to the show. "What about when... hang on," he said and got off the bed. He left the walkie talkie sitting there as he went over and pressed his ear to the door. His mom was home, she'd said not fifteen minutes ago that she was going to the grocery store, and now he heard her voice through the door. "This isn't good," he whispered as he walked quietly back over to the bed.

"Nate?" Jason's whispered voice came through the speaker.

Nate picked it up and pressed the button. "My mom's home," he whispered. "We should probably-"

"You ungrateful son of a bitch!"

Nate quickly slid the switch on his walkie talkie as his mother's shouting voice came closer to his door. He sat on the edge of the bed, gripping the toy in his hands, ready to shove it under the pillow if the door should even hint at opening, and waited for the shouting to stop. He knew he should just put it away, but there was something comforting about having it in his hands. It was a gift from the only person who had ever cared about him. It was from Jason, and Nate wasn't sure why, but that meant so much.

"Everything I do for you and all you can say is-" Nate's father shouted.

"Do for me? You don't do anything for me you bastard! I'm the only one working, I do everything!"

"Working?! Is that what you call what you do? I call it whor-"

"Augustus! Our son is in this house, I don't want him to go to school and use words like that about me!"

"Your son, Jaquoline! That whelp is nothing of mine! All he is to me is a pain in my ass!"

"Don't you say that! He's as much your son as he is mine!"

"No! He isn't! He came from that sorry excuse of a man you called your husband."

"Yeah, and now you're the sorry excuse of a husband! Why do I even put up with you?"

"Because without me you'd have to pay for childcare for your idiot son."

"Stop calling him mine!"

"He is yours!

"No! No, Augustus! You killed my child! My sweet Samantha, SHE was my child!"

"SHUT UP!" Nate shouted from his place on the bed. He stuffed the walkie talkie under his pillow, opened his window and climbed out. He wanted to go across the street and climb into Jason's bedroom. He always felt so comfortable when they were lying together on the bed, but he knew he couldn't get Jason in trouble like that. So he ran out to the sidewalk and toward the park instead.

His bare feet ached as they slapped the pavement, but he didn't pay attention to that. He just ran and ran until he was at the park. There were too many kids there; on the swings, the slide and laughing as they sat in the merry-go-round. Nate wanted to be one of those kids, the kids whose parents loved them. The tears were streaming down his face as he ducked into the rain shelter and huddled into the corner. Jason had heard everything his parents had said, he'd heard them scream at one another, heard how much they hated Nate, and Nate wished he'd just turned the walkie talkie off when he heard his mother's voice the first time. If his parents didn't love him, how could he expect Jason to? How could he expect him to do anything more than hate Nate, the way everyone else did.  
—-

"Nate?"

Nate sat up straight, he must have fallen asleep; he did that sometimes when he was crying hard. He hated crying, it made him feel like a baby... a girl... weak.

"Nate?" the voice came again and this time Nate recognized it.

"Jason?" Nate said and poked his head out of the shelter.

"Nate! I was worried about you," Jason said as he rushed over.

"You were?"

Jason sighed and sat down beside Nate and put an arm around his shoulders. "Of course I was. Your parents shouted for you for a few minutes. They didn't sound too happy."

"They're never happy," Nate told his friend and leaned a little closer to him.

"I heard."

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"Why are you apologizing? It's not your fault that your parents are dick weeds."

Nate couldn't keep from huffing out a laugh at that. "Well, I wish I was never born. Or that my real dad hadn't died. Or that I'd died like Sammie did."

Jason pulled Nate closer and Nate snuggled against him, needing the contact. "Please don't say that, Nate."

"No, Jason. You don't understand. I'm tired. I'm so tired of being hated, of being shouted at. I'm tired of being afraid that one of them is going to do something bad to me while I'm asleep. I just want to live in a normal family, like you do. I don't even know what it's like to sit at the dinner table and talk about what you did all day long. I just want to not be around anymore. That would make everyone happy."

"Not me."

"Huh?" Nate leaned up and looked at Jason. His friend looked sad, and Nate felt bad about that. He was the one that made Jason look like that.

"It wouldn't make me happy if you weren't around anymore," Jason said. "You're my best friend ever, Nate. I don't like that you're parents are mean to you, but I like you. I like having you as my friend, and I want us to keep being friends. I want us to be friends forever, Nate."

"Me too, Jason."

They sat there for a long time, not talking. Jason never took his arm from around him, and Nate never moved away from him. Jason was warm and he smelled good and Nate was kind of happy when they were together. He wished they could be together without Nate's parents. Things would be perfect then, but Nate knew that was never going to happen. Finally, the sky started turning orange and they heard Jason's mother calling for him.

Jason sighed. "I have to go now," he said.

"Yeah, me too."

"Is it going to be bad when you go home?"

"Yeah, but I have to. I'll see you tomorrow at school."

"Promise?"

Nate looked down at his knees and shrugged.

"Alright," Jason said and stood up. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Nate sat there for another minute, he watched Jason walk away until he couldn't see him anymore. Then he got up and slowly walked home. If he was lucky, his dad would be passed out and him mom would be gone. He didn't think he'd be lucky though, he usually wasn't.

oOo  
"Well I don't want to go to the mall!" Jason argued, glaring at his sister. It was a perfectly good Saturday and the last thing Jason wanted to do was spend it inside a shopping center getting dragged around by his sister and his mom.

"Jason, come on, I really want to go!" Jess pleaded.

"Well maybe mom can take you and I can stay here. Did you think of that?"

"Stay here by yourself?" Jess asked, surprised.

"Why not?" Jason's mom came into the living room. "I think you're old enough."

"Can I? Please?" Jason asked, excited at the idea of getting to stay home alone.

"All the rules still apply," his mom told him sternly.

"No, I know," Jason agreed quickly. "I swear, I'll be good. And careful."

Jason's mother studied him for a moment before nodding. "Okay, Jason. We're probably going to be out for a few hours, and Dad doesn't get home until late this evening. Are you sure?"

"Absolutely," Jason grinned.

"Jess, go get your jacket," Mom told her. His sister quickly headed for the door, as if afraid their mom might change her mind.

"Thanks, mom," Jason remembered to say.

Mom laughed and hugged him. "You be good, Jas."

"I will."

Five minutes later, Jason was waving from the living room window as he watched his mom and Jess pull out of the driveway and onto the street. It was only after they were gone and Jason turned around and took in the quiet and empty living room that it really hit him. He was alone.

"Wow," Jason muttered, looking around. "This is weird." He'd grown up in this house, but being home alone seemed to make it into a whole new place. There were suddenly sounds he wasn't used to, and Jason could feel himself getting nervous. He didn't want to stay in the house.

Quickly he went up to his room to get his soccer ball. The park would be a good place to be, he'd decided. He shut his bedroom door behind him but quickly opened it again, unsure if he wanted it closed or not. Someone could sneak into the house and be waiting behind it to grab him if it was closed. But if it was opened someone could come right into his room. Jason actually didn't turn his back on the door for a full minute before he realized what he was doing.

"Jeeze," he muttered to himself, shaking his head. "Get a grip."

Jason got his shoes tied and had grabbed his ball before his gaze landed on the Transformers Walkie-Talkie. He put down the ball and picked up the radio, moving over to his window. Nate's mom's car wasn't in the driveway, and Jason decided to risk it. He clicked the radio three times and waited.

"Yeah?" Nate's voice came through a few seconds later.

Jason grinned. "Hey, think you can get out of the house?"

There was a pause before Nate replied. "I think so. Dad's passed out on the couch. I'm not grounded, and they don't usually care if I leave for a while during the day."

"Cool. I was gonna go to the park."

"Meet you at the end of the street?"

"I'll race you there." Jason clicked off the radio, put it on his desk and grabbed his ball before rushing out the door.

Nate was waiting for him at the corner of their street. "How'd you get here so fast?" Jason asked as he jogged up.

Nate shrugged. "Doesn't take me long to get out of the house. Where's Jess?"

"She and Mom went to the mall. Dad's at work. I'm totally free for a few hours," Jason couldn't help but boast.

"Awesome," Nate grinned. "So what do you want to do?"

They started walking towards the park and Jason shrugged, tossing the ball down at his feet and dribbling it in front of them. "Donno. I brought the ball so we could kick it around, but there's always that little tree grove we could go play in."

Nate stepped in front of Jason and stole the ball, kicking it in front of him as he ran through the grass. "I wanna run for a while," he said over his shoulder.

Jason laughed and took off after him, trying to get the ball back.

They'd made it to the trees about half an hour later and they finally flopped down under one of the big oaks. "What do you wish you could be if you could be anything besides what you are?" Jason asked suddenly as they stared up at the sky through the oak leaves.

Nate was quiet for a long time, and Jason started wondering if he should pick a different thing to talk about before Nate finally spoke. "A pirate ship."

"The ship, not a pirate?" Jason asked, confused.

"Yeah," Nate nodded. "See, pirates come and go pretty quickly. But the ships, they keep floating, keep searching for treasure, you know? The only thing the ships have to worry about is the other ships and sinking."

"Oh," Jason said. He thought about that for a minute and supposed that it would be pretty freeing to be a pirate ship floating through the open waters.

"What about you?" Nate finally asked.

"I'd be a soldier," Jason decided. "Like a General or something. And me and my men would catch all the bad guys." Jason thought that would be pretty cool. He could make the world a safer place for people like Nate, whose parents were definitely in the bad guy category.

Nate smiled and scooted a little closer to Jason. "That'd be cool," he said.

They stared up that the sky for a while longer before Jason sat up. "Wanna go explore?"

"Yeah," Nate grinned and got up. Together, they made their way deeper into the stand of trees, looking for treasure.  
oOo  
"I'll walk with you," Jason said as Nate left the school.

"Won't you get in trouble?" Nate asked, but he kept walking.

"Nah, I told my parents I'd be late. They don't know why of course, but I want to take you somewhere. You won't get in trouble for coming home a little bit later will you?"

"Probably not," Nate replied. "Dad's usually pretty drunk by the time I get home anyway and he never checks the clock."

"Okay, well if you're sure, I want to take you somewhere."

"Okay, where?" Nate asked.

Jason grinned and took Nate's hand, pulling him along. "You'll see."  
—-

"Holy crap," Nate said as he followed Jason into the ice cream shop. It wasn't like anything he'd ever seen before. There were coolers along all the walls, and each cooler had three rows of ice cream tubs.

"Oh yeah," Jason said, "this is the _best_ ice cream place ever. If it's a flavor, it's here. Hell, it's here even if it isn't a flavor. And if it's not a flavor and you wanna try it, tell them and they'll try to make it a flavor. It's insane."

"Raspberry cocoanut?" Nate asked as he looked into the first case. "That sounds gross."

"Actually it's really good," the girl behind the counter said. "You can try it if you'd like."

"Really? I can have a bite?" Nate asked curiously.

"Absolutely. You can try as many as you want, as long as you eventually pay for a cone or a bowl of something."

"Cool, can I have a bite of the raspberry one then?"

"Sure thing cutie," the girl said and handed him a sample spoon of the pale pink ice cream.

"Look look Nate," Jason called and Nate hurried over, still licking his lips from the raspberry cocoanut ice cream.

"What?" Nate asked and looked into the case Jason was standing in front of.

"It's Optimus Prime ice cream," Jason said and looked at the girl. "Can we try that?"

The girl scooped up two sample spoons and passed them over the counter. The boys shoved the entire bite into their mouths before grimacing and looking for a trash can.

"God, that's disgusting," Nate said as he spat the ice cream into the garbage.

"An ice cream named after the leader of an alien race of beings that look like robots and turn into vehicles should taste good," Jason argued.

"Hey kids," the girl said and held up her hands, but she had a smile on her face. "I don't name them, I just serve them."

They tried all the weird flavors like butterfly cream and walnut shimmer and cashew crunch. They tasted almost every flavor in the building before finally deciding on what to buy.

"I'll have the pistachio ice cream in a waffle cone," Jason ordered.

Nate felt like he was in over his head, he didn't know how to order ice cream and that was embarrassing. He did know what flavor he liked best, though, and Jason's waffle cone looked good, so he just went with it. "I'd like the cherry cordial in a waffle cone please, ma'am."

"What a polite boy," the girl said as she scooped his treat.

"Thank you, Lizzie," Nate said, looking at her name tag before taking the cone.

"I think she has a crush on you," Jason said as he lead Nate to one of the tables just outside.

"No way, that's gross, she's gotta be like... twenty five or something. Besides, I don't like girls."

"No?" Jason asked. "Does that mean you like boys?"

Nate could feel his ears burning a little at Jason's question. "I don't know what I like. I'm not sure boys and girls get along as well as everyone says they do. Look at my parents, they're always fighting and throwing things. So I don't know... I like you though. I always have a good time with you."

Jason smiled and kicked Nate's foot under the table. "I like you too, Nate, and I'm glad you have a good time with me."

Nate kicked Jason back, "Good."

The two of them laughed and kicked each other back and forth as they ate their ice cream.

oOo  
It had been a fairly quiet evening, and Jason was already in bed, curled around the walkie-talkie. "So that project is due for Mrs. Chavez tomorrow," he reminded Nate.

"Oh, crap," Nate sighed. "Well I guess I know what I'm doing tonight."

Jason chuckled. "Just get everything you want on the poster and I'll help you put it together at lunch tomorrow."

"Thanks," Nate replied. Suddenly the speaker went muffled and Jason could hear Nate's bedroom door open.

"What are you doing in here?" Nate's dad's voice came through the radio. "Who were you talking to?"

"No one," Nate answered. His voice sounded farther away and a little muffled and Jason realized that he'd probably shoved the radio under his pillow. "I was talking to myself."

"Don't lie to me you ungrateful little brat!" Nate's father yelled.

"I'm not lying!" Nate insisted.

Jason's stomach was cramping up and his fingers ached from how hard he was gripping the radio, but he didn't pay any attention to that; he was too focused on listening. He hated it when Nate's parent's argued- he'd been witness to a few of those already, but this was the first time that they'd been on the radios when Nate got yelled at.

"I'll teach you to not lie!" Something smashed and Jason jumped. He wanted desperately to yell, to rush over there and leap on Nate's dad, but he was helpless. What was he supposed to do? "You little shit!" Nate's dad continued. "You should be grateful for everything we give you!"

"I- I am grateful, Daddy!" Nate answered, his voice stuttering. "I'm sorry!"

Jason had no idea what to think of that. Nate _never_ called his father 'Daddy.' Something else smashed, and Jason rushed to his window. The light was dim in Nate's room, but Jason could make out two silhouettes. The bigger one had his hand raised, and Jason watched as he threw something at the figure sitting on the bed. Over the radio, something shattered.

"Ow!" Nate yelled, his voice shocked. "Daddy please!"

Time was suddenly slowing down and speeding up for Jason all at once. He had to do something. He couldn't just stand here. Throwing his radio down on his bed and bolted from the room, down the stairs, past his surprised parents, and out the door. He barely noticed the broken concrete as it bit into his bare feet as he sprinted across the road and up to Nate's door. Jason smashed into the door, beating it hard with his fists. He could hear yelling and things breaking inside the house, and he pounded as hard as he could against the door. He could feel the force of his blows reverberating up his arms, but it was meaningless. The only thought in his head was that he had to make Nate's dad _stop._

When the house went silent, Jason stopped his pounding and ran back across the street. He was safely hiding behind a bush in his yard when the door opened. He could see Nate's father standing in the doorway, swaying as he looked around. Jason watched for a minute before sitting back behind the bush fully and taking a deep, shaking breath. It was only then that he realized he was crying.

"Jason?" his mother's voice made him jump. He looked up to find her standing over him, watching him with concern. "What's wrong, baby?"

Something else smashed inside the house across the street and Jason sobbed. "Mom, please, please make him stop! I tried and he stopped for a minute, but he's doing it again. He's going to hurt Nate! Please, Mom, _please_ make him stop!"

"Come inside," his mother helped him up and they hurried into the house. "Now what are you talking about, Jason?"

"NATE!" Jason wailed. "I'm talking about Nate! His dad is yelling at him and hurting him!"

With the door to the house closed, Jason realized he had no idea what was going on across the street. Before his parents could say a word, he rushed up the stairs and got the radio. Nate's dad was screaming louder than ever, and suddenly Jason heard a crash, both over the radio and through his window. When he looked out, Nate's bedroom window was broken and a lamp was laying in the lawn.

"Mom!" Jason cried desperately, clattering back down the stairs, the walkie-talkie clutched in a death grip in his fist. "Please, we have to help him! We have to!"

Both of Jason's parents listened intently to the sounds coming over the walkie-talkie for a minute before Jason's father picked up the phone. "I'm calling CPS," he said in a strangled voice.

Jason's mother nodded and pulled Jason into a hug. "It'll be okay, baby," she whispered.

Wrapped up in his mother's arms, Jason sobbed harder, but he didn't really believe her. "We have to stop him."

"CPS and the cops will stop him," Mom told him. "We can't go over there, Jason, it's too dangerous."

"Too dangerous?!" Jason cried, reeling back and out of his mom's embrace. "He's going to hurt him!"

"Jason," Mom started, but Jason wouldn't hear it.

"LISTEN!" he cried, thrusting the walkie-talkie at her. Nate's father was yelling and more things were being smashed. Quieter in the background, Nate could be heard, begging. "We have to stop it!"

"I've called CPS and the cops," Dad said as he put the phone down. "They're on their way."

"See, it'll be okay, Jason," Mom gently took the radio from him. "They'll be here soon."

"No don't!" Jason cried, but his mother flipped the switch that turned the radio off. Jason stared at her in shock. He had to do something, and his parents weren't going to be any help. He ran towards the door again, but Dad was there to stop him.

"Jason, stop, it will only be a few minutes until the cops get here," he told him.

Jason didn't know what to do. He crumpled to the floor and drew his knees to his chest. His breath was coming in huge, gasping sobs. His parents sat down on the floor with him silently, but Jason wouldn't let either of them touch him. He looked around for Jess, hoping for an ally, but she was standing at the bottom of the stairs, white faced, just watching. He was the only one in his family that cared.

A few minutes later, he heard sirens outside and bolted for the living room window. He had to see, had to know. The flashing lights illuminated the yards and he could see Nate's dad in the open doorway, talking to the cops.

The radio! Where was his radio? He turned and saw it still in his mother's hand. "Let me have the radio," he walked toward her, ready to take it.

"Jason no, that's a private-"

"I have to check on Nate!" He snatched the radio out of her hand and turned it back on. The radio was silent, and Jason hurried back over to the window. The cops were going inside the house now, and he could hear their footsteps over the speaker. He heard Nate take a shaky breath and then Jason heard Nate's bedroom door open.

"Nathan threw a bit of a fit at not being able to watch TV so late, I'm afraid," Nate's dad could be heard over the walkie-talkie. "He threw his lamp out the window. I expect that's what the neighbors heard. I was in the middle of telling him that he's grounded and that he'll have to save up his allowance money to help fix his window, since he's the one who broke it. He seems to be developing some anger issues and his mother and I are trying to teach him responsibility for his actions."

Jason listened as the conversation went on, Nate collaborating his father's story. He was flabbergasted; completely at a loss for what to think. This was Nate's chance to tell the cops and CPS, who had since arrived, everything, and he wasn't doing it. "Why aren't you saying anything, Nate?" Jason wondered aloud.

He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see his dad. His father didn't say anything, just stood with Jason as they watched the house across the street. A few minutes later, the cops and the CPS officials came back outside. They shook Nate's father's hand before getting back in their cars and driving away.

Over the radio, Jason could hear Nate's father's footsteps, then the door opening. "You got lucky tonight," he growled. "Don't think this is over." The door slammed shut and Nate's father's footsteps faded away as he went into a different part of the house.

Jason held his breath and waited for the radio to click so he and Nate could talk, but after a brief rustle where Jason could just envision Nate pulling the radio out from wherever he'd stashed it, the radio clicked over to static. Nate had turned it off. Jason stared at the walkie-talkie for a long minute. His eyes were burning and he could feel tears starting to slide down his cheeks again.

"Oh, baby," Mom started, but Jason just turned away from them and walked back up the stairs and into his room. He placed the radio carefully on his nightstand and went over to look out his window. There was no light in Nate's room now, and Jason couldn't see inside. With a hiccoughing sigh, Jason turned away and crawled into his bed.

Jason was chasing Nate down a street. It was dark, and somewhere behind them someone screamed and threw something that shattered on the sidewalk. Nate either didn't hear Jason calling for him or didn't care. He just kept running and running, and Jason had no choice but to follow. "Nate, please! Stop!" Jason yelled again, but Nate turned a corner and vanished from Jason's view. When Jason finally got there, Nate was turning again. The air burned Jason's lungs, and his legs ached, but he couldn't stop, wouldn't stop. He turned the next corner and there was Nate, standing in the middle of a busy street, watching him. "Nate?" Jason called. Cars honked and swerved to miss Nate, their tires squealing on the asphalt. As Jason watched, Nate threw his arms out and stepped off the middle yellow line, right into traffic. "NATE!" Jason screamed, but it was too late. There was more squealing tires, a sickening crunching thud, and Nate vanished.

Jason ran into the street and to the stopped car, but when he looked, Nate wasn't there. No one was in the car. Jason looked around and realized that none of the cars shooting past him had people in them. The car that had hit Nate started moving again, and Jason suddenly found himself in the park by their houses. Nate was there, kicking a soccer ball to him over and over again, but somehow the ball never got to Jason. Nate looked strange, and it took Jason a minute to make his brain comprehend what he was seeing. Nate had bruises and welts and cuts all over him and they glowed a dark, angry red. When he grinned at Jason, there was something dark and dangerous in his eyes. Suddenly, Nate started fading away, and Jason was rooted to the spot, unable to do anything to stop it. Nate faded away into the sunlight until only the angry red spots remained.

Jason woke up covered in sweat, the sheets wound around him so tight he could hardly move. He got himself untangled and curled on his side, the tears starting again. He hated nightmares, but this one was going to be stuck in his head for the rest of his life, Jason was sure. He had to see Nate. Had to make sure he was okay.

Jason's clock read 2:15 when Jason pulled on his shoes and peeked out his door. All the lights were off and the house was silent. Quietly, Jason slipped down the stairs and out the front door. He knew there would be hell to pay if his parents found out, and if Nate's father found out... Jason shivered at the thought, but he _had_ to see him. He wouldn't stay long, he promised himself.

Nate's mother's car was not in the driveway and all the lights were off in Nate's house. Jason jogged across the lawn and over to Nate's broken window. Peering inside, he saw a figure curled up in the bed. "Nate?" Jason whispered softly. He looked for a safe way in through the window and finally managed to lever himself over the broken glass. "Hey," he whispered again as his feet touched the floor of Nate's bed room.

Nate turned over and looked at him, the dim streetlight illuminating the room just enough for Jason to see him staring. "What are you doing here?" Nate hissed. "If my dad finds out you're here-"

"I won't stay long," Jason cut him off, moving closer so he could talk quieter. "I had to see you. I had to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine," Nate rolled over, turning away from Jason.

"Nate," Jason started, but thought better of it. He toed off his shoes and slid into the bed, grimacing at the lumpy mattress. "I just need to stay for a few minutes. I'll be completely silent, I promise."

Nate hesitated another moment before turning and snuggling close to Jason. Jason wrapped his arms around Nate and buried his nose in his hair. The nightmare was finally fading a little, now that Nate was so close and so real. He had so many things he wanted to say, but he'd promised, and the absolute last thing he wanted was to wake up Nate's father.

Jason looked around Nate's room as much as he could without moving. The walls were bare, the floor uncluttered except for things that Jason assumed Nate's father had been throwing. There was glass on the floor, and Jason didn't see a single toy in the room.

Nate shifted and pressed one of Jason's hands against the bed and Jason hissed softly, surprised by the pain. "What?" Nate asked quietly, moving his weight off Jason's hand.

Jason held up his hand to the streetlight and was surprised to see dried blood and cuts along his knuckles. "I must have busted my knuckles open on your front door," Jason replied.

Nate took Jason's hand in his and examined it for a moment before pressing his lips against the cut. Jason's chest and stomach clenched and he couldn't stop the soft smile that spread across his face at Nate's action. Slowly, Jason pulled his hand away and pulled Nate close again, curling around him protectively.

Jason only meant to stay for a few minutes, but when his eyes opened, the first birds were singing and the night had the first pale tinge to it. "Shit," Jason breathed, extracting himself from Nate's arms and sitting up.

Nate moaned and reached for him before blinking awake. "What?"

"We fell asleep," Jason hissed as he pushed his feet into his shoes. "I'm so sorry Nate, I didn't mean to fall asleep. I better go. Dad's going to be up soon."

"Okay," Nate replied just as quietly. "I'll see you at school."

Jason finally got his shoes to cooperate and turned to look at Nate. He looked smaller than normal, curled up on himself in the bed. Jason reached down and squeezed Nate's hand. "I'll see you there."

Jason's dad was standing in the front hall when Jason opened the door. Jason froze for a moment, half way into the house, caught. Dad only raised an eyebrow at him. "Over at Nate's?" he asked.

Jason knew better than to lie. He'd been caught and there was no way out of it. "I had to, Dad."

"Jason, you could have been hurt," Dad sighed. "You're lucky Mom didn't check on you during the night. She would have been frantic."

"I only meant to go over and check on him and come right back," Jason tried, "but then we fell asleep."

Dad looked at him for a minute longer before sighing and shaking his head, heading back towards the kitchen. "I understand, Jason, really I do," he said as Jason followed him. "However, that doesn't mean it was the safe, or the right thing to do." Dad pulled some toast from the toaster, buttered it and gave it to Jason. "You're going to have to be grounded."

"Dad, no," Jason whispered, but his father continued.

"Now, I want you to go upstairs and get that walkie-talkie and bring it to me."

Jason stared at him bleakly, but his father didn't waver. "I'm sorry, Jason, but this is the way it has to be."

oOo  
Nate picked up the garden shovel and started digging. "What are we going to put in it?" he asked when Jason came out of the house with a container.

"I don't know," Jason said and started to help Nate dig. "Mr. Harwood said that it should be something we like. Something that would remind us of now when we open it in twenty years."

"Won't your mom get mad at you for taking her bowl?" Nate asked, looking at the plastic container Jason had brought out.

"Nah, she just bought a whole new set of Tupperware from a party she went to the other night and this is from the old set. She said I could have it."

"Wow, okay. Um... what would remind us of now?"

Jason sat back and thought for a second. "Maybe our Transformers action figures? Those would remind us of now. I can't think of anything else."

"How about one of your school pictures?" Nate suggested. "That way we can remember what you look like as a twelve year old."

"Oh wait!" Jason said excitedly and ran into the house. He came back out a moment later with his picture envelope. "I don't want to put in a picture of just me, so what about the class picture? That way we can see what we both looked like as twelve year olds."

"Yeah, that's a great idea!" Nate said as he watched Jason fold the picture and put it in the box. "Mr. Harwood said we should write letters to ourselves."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that. I didn't write one yet."

Nate smiled and pulled a piece of paper out of his back pocket. "I wrote mine last night," he said and put it in the box. "Only I didn't write it to the grown up me, I wrote it to the grown up you. That way if I'm not here in twenty years, you can still read the letter."

"Nate..."

"No, I don't mean if I'm dead, just... you know, I might not be right here."

"You'll be here, we're going to be friends forever, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember." Nate smiled and started digging again.

"I'm going to go get my Transformer," Jason said after a minute. "You go get yours and then we can bury the box."

"What about your letter?" Nate asked.

"Oh yeah, I'll write something real quick while you're getting your action figure."

"Okay but hurry up. I won't be over there long, I'm just gonna get it and come back."

"I won't be l... oh shit."

Nate looked up and saw his father standing on the front porch staring at him from across the street.

"Nathan! What are you doing?" he asked, but he didn't sound as angry as he usually did.

"Just... just something for school," Nate called back.

His father came down the steps and started across the street and Nate automatically went to his feet.  
"You know I hate it when you fucking lie to me!" Augustus shouted and stopped in front of Nate, standing so close that Nate had to take a step back to keep from being knocked over. "No teacher is going to tell a kid to dig a motherfucking hole in the neighbors god damned yard."

Nate was breathing too hard, his dad was going to take that as a sign of guilt, but Nate couldn't stop it. No one had ever seen him get hit before and he didn't want anyone to ever see it, especially Jason. He took a deep breath and stood up straighter, wanting to show Jason that he was brave... when in reality he was scared shitless. "We're making a time capsule," he told his father firmly, "our history teacher  
made us be partners."

"You lying little shit!" Augustus shouted and grabbed Nate's elbow, making him cry out as he pulled Nate close to him. He leaned down and put his face to Nate's, Nate could smell the whisky on his breath and it made him want to puke. "I'm going to beat your ass so hard you won't sit for a month," he growled and jerked Nate again, turning back toward the house.

"Leave him alone you bastard!" Nate heard Jason call out, and then there was a shower of small rocks raining down on them.

"Jason no!" Nate called and pulled his arm away from his father. "He'll hurt you!"

Augustus got his hand back on Nate's arm and lifted until Nate's toes were barely touching the ground. "You've got it coming now," he said into Nate's ear.

"What's going on here?" A man's voice asked and Nate saw Jason's parents standing on their porch.

"Jason honey, come inside now," Mrs. Markham said.

"My boy was digging a hole in your yard, folks," Augustus said in what Nate guessed what his best impersonation of sober. "I put a stop to it though, you don't have to worry."

"It was a school project," Jason's mother said. "Mr. Harwood made them partners." She looked back at her son. "Jason, come inside now."

Nate watched as Jason looked at him for a moment before turning and walking into the house.

"I'm sorry for the commotion, but he should have told me he was going to be digging a hole in some one's yard for a school project," Augustus said sarcastically and let go of Nate's arm. "He's got chores anyway. He's a handful."

Nate looked up at him and saw a dangerous look in his eyes; the same look he saw that night in the kitchen when his sister died. "Don't you think you owe our neighbors an apology, Nathan?"

Nate swallowed hard, fear knotting up in his stomach, his muscles tight and rigid, tears barely held behind his eyes. "I'm very sorry Mr. and Mrs. Markham. I won't dig in your yard anymore."

"It's quite alright, Nathan," Mrs. Markham said and Mr. Markham gave her a look that Nate read as 'stop talking to the maniac's kid.'

"Will you tell Jason that I'll see him at school on Monday?"

"Of course, dear. Have a good night."

"Thank you ma'am, you do the same." He watched as the people went back into the house. He and Augustus had turned away and were walking back to their side of the street, but Nate knew the curtains were being drawn in the Markham house. He'd seen it too many times, people didn't want to see.

Nate held his breath when the front door closed behind them. Augustus turned and stared at him. "You're lucky those people saw us tonight boy, otherwise you'd be going to school with your ass stripped. Now go to bed, I don't want to see your ugly face for a week."

Nate didn't breathe again until his bedroom door was separating him from his father. He leaned against the door and slid down to the floor. Pulling his knees up, he wrapped his arms around them and buried his head, his tears were silent.

When the noise in the rest of the house quieted, Nate knew his father had passed out. He didn't know how long he'd been leaning against the door, crying, but the sun had gone down by the time he stood up and walked over to the bed. He knew he wasn't escaping punishment, he'd seen that look on his father's face the night Sammie had died. Something was going to happen to him, he just didn't know when.

Jason had stood up for him, had thrown the rocks they'd separated from the dirt at Augustus. Jason was probably going to be grounded; kids with parents like Jason's never got hit. He'd just be sent to his room, most likely _after_ dinner and he might not be allowed to watch TV for awhile.

Nate sighed and went over to the window; he could just make out the shape of the Tupperware container in the dim light. His window was still broken and probably wouldn't be fixed until the next people moved into the house. He shook his head and went back over to the bed; the most recent visit from Child Protective Services hadn't turned out any different than any of the others. Augustus had told them that Nate had been throwing a fit because he wasn't allowed to watch TV, and that he'd thrown his lamp through the window. He said they were making him save his allowance to have it fixed. Nate didn't even get an allowance, he never had, but the people hadn't asked him about that. They also didn't seem to notice that Nate's room was empty, all he had was a dresser, a book shelf and an old model car his dad had supposedly put together while his mom was pregnant with him. There were none of the signs that a child lived in that room, nothing like there was at Jason's house. He didn't even have any posters on the walls, all he had was a Bumblebee action figure, and he had to keep that hidden between the mattresses of the bed. If his father found it, Nate knew he'd break it just to be mean. He leaned over and pulled the action figure out. It was supposed to go in the time capsule.

Looking out the window at Jason's house, Nate realized that tonight was the second time Jason had stood up for him. The night the lamp was thrown and CPS was called and left with nothing more than another handshake from his stupid father, Jason had come over. He'd snuck in through the broken window, which still had sharp points at that time, and he'd laid with Nate. Nate had been comforted, he'd felt warm and cared for, and he hadn't been able to stop the kiss he'd laid on Jason's injured knuckles.

Nate sighed, got up and listened at the door for a long moment. When he still didn't hear any noise, he slipped out through the broken window and crossed the street. Nate looked at the action figure as he sat beside the hole he and Jason had dug. It was the only gift he'd ever gotten in his life and he was about to stick it in a box for the next twenty years. That was okay though, if he was still around in twenty years when they dug it up, he'd remember the best part of his childhood. Nate sighed and put the figure into the Tupperware container and closed the lid, he wasn't going to bury it though, Jason still had some things to add.

After another moment, he got up and snuck back into his bedroom. He changed into his pajamas and lay down on the bed even though he knew he wouldn't be sleeping, it was too dangerous to sleep, and he was too afraid. He knew all too well just how much his father was capable of.

oOo  
A few weeks later Jason and Jess came home to find a moving truck outside their house and all their things in boxes. "Mom?" Jason asked, heart pounding, "what's going on?"

His mother regarded the two of them solemnly. "We're moving. Your father and I have found us a nice house over on Runyan, and we'll be moving in tomorrow while you two are at school."

"I don't want to move into a new house!" Jess cried. "I have friends here, Mom!"

"I know, honey, but you'll still get to see them, I promise. We can't stay here any longer," Mom sighed, glancing across the street.

Jason turned and looked at Nate's house. His window was still broken, all the grass in their yard was dead, and he could hear Nate's parents shouting at each other inside. His eyes burning, he turned back to his mother. "This is because I'm friends with Nate?"

"Baby, no, it's not that, really," Mom sighed. "It's Nate's parents. His father has already come into our yard and I don't want him to hurt you."

"But it's okay if he hurts Nate?" Jason growled.

"I did not say that, Jason," his mother snapped, hurt. Jason could see it in her face. He couldn't make himself care though. They were moving away, and they hadn't even talked to him and Jess about it. Jason turned away from his mother and stomped into the house and up the stairs, flinging his back pack on the desk chair. The desk chair wasn't there and his backpack thunked onto the floor.

When Jason looked around his room, it was all different. His bed was there, and a few of his toys were piled in a corner of his room, but his desk and chair were gone, and so where all his posters and clothes and nearly everything else. Jason felt his eyes stinging; they really were moving and there was nothing he could do about it.

He had to tell Nate.

Getting out of the house was easy; his parents were busy with the moving truck and Jason was able to sneak out the kitchen door unnoticed. He waited around the side of the house until his parents went back inside, and then ran across the street and into Nate's yard. "Nate?" Jason whispered through Nate's broken window.

"Hey," Nate appeared on the other side of the frame. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry, I won't stay long," Jason hurried to reply as he levered himself over the window frame. "We're moving."

"What?" Nate gaped at him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean we're _moving,_ " Jason repeated. "We're going across the park. Onto Runyan."

Nate stared at him, and Jason could see the lost look in his eyes. "Listen," Jason said urgently, reaching out and gripping Nate's shoulder. "I'm not gonna be far away, okay? When I get it back, I'll figure out how far away we can be and have the walkie-talkies still work. It'll be fine. We're probably still in the same school even."

"Are you sure?" Nate asked. "Because I walk home and I don't recognize any of the kids that get off the busses on that side of the park."

Jason's heart sank. "I donno," he admitted. "I hope so. Just keep your fingers crossed okay?"

Nate nodded and Jason took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Nate," he apologized, feeling like he'd let his friend down somehow.

"It wasn't your decision," Nate answered quietly.

"I know but," Jason started, but Nate shook his head.

"We'll figure it out," Nate reminded him, but his tone and expression told Jason he didn't really believe it, but what else could Jason do?

He nodded. "We will," he swore. "It's across the park, not in another city."

"Yeah," Nate agreed softly.

"NATHAN!" Nate's dad shouted, and both boys flinched.

"I better go," Jason said, backing up towards the window.

"Yeah, before he comes in here."

Jason wanted to touch Nate again, but he could hear footsteps coming down the hall and knew he had to get out of there. With one final glance, Jason vaulted through the window and out into the grass. He hunched down along the side of the house and moved out of sight of the window before running back over to his house. Mom was standing in the driveway, watching, but Jason just glared at her as he made his way back into the house. He couldn't leave without telling Nate, and his parents were just going to have to deal with that.

At school the next day, Jason lived for the time between classes, when he could see Nate and actually talk to him a little bit, but the day seemed to pass faster than normal. Before Jason knew it, he and Jess were on the bus and going home. Neither of them spoke and Jason stared out the window sullenly, wishing more than ever before that Nate rode the bus home.

The car was packed up when Jess and Jason got home and their parents were waiting in the barren kitchen. "Ready?" Dad asked.

"No," Jason growled, but Mom was already herding them back towards the door.

"We'll do your homework at our new house," she said brightly. "How does that sound?"

Neither Jason nor Jess replied, and the drive around the park was silent. It wasn't until they pulled up in front of their new house that Jason spoke. "Will we still be in the same school?"

"No," Dad replied from the passenger's seat. "This is a different school district."

Jason and Jess shared a glance before looking out the window at their new house. It was so different, Jason thought sadly. Every house on the block looked the same; all single story ranch style homes with front lawns all the same height and not a weed anywhere to be seen. Jason and Jess followed their parents into the new house and looked around curiously, but everything seemed drab and common to Jason. The living room and dining room had no separation between them, and there was the kitchen right there on the right side of the door.

All their things were in boxes, but the movers had set up the furniture, so the kids did their homework at the coffee table in the living room and listened to their mother curse the electric stove as she tried to cook dinner. Jason wanted nothing more than to find the walkie-talkie and get away from the house. He knew better than to think that it would reach all the way across the park to Nate's house, but he could at least figure out how far they could be apart. It was a nice thought, but Jason really had no idea where the walkie-talkie had gone after his parents took it. For all he knew, they'd thrown it away.

There was no time though. After homework and dinner the twins were sent to get their rooms set up however they wanted them. Jason put everything back the way it had been in his old room. When he was done, he could hear Jess and his mother talking in Jess' room across the hall. Jason stood still so he could hear clearly.

"Are we starting at the new school tomorrow?" Jess asked.

"No, you'll start there on Monday. We'll be picking you up and dropping you off at school until then," Mom answered.

"Oh," Jess sighed. There was a pause before she spoke again. "Do you really think Nate's dad would have hurt Jason?"

Mom sighed. "I don't know, honey, but we couldn't take the chance."

Tears filled Jason eyes and he looked out his bedroom window. The park was visible behind the houses across the street and Jason wanted to run through it, wanted to go back to his old house and never leave. Before Jason could decide to do anything though, there was a knock on his door and Dad came in with another box.

"More of your things," Dad grunted as he put the box down. Written on the side of the box in unfamiliar handwriting was _Transformers._ The movers must have packed it, Jason thought as his father left the room.

Jason opened the box to see the toys all jumbled together and sighed heavily. Sitting on the floor, he pulled them out of the box one by one and set them all up in neat rows beside him. He wasn't even paying attention to the toys until they were in his lap, too busy looking at all the Transformers he'd already set up, so when he looked down to find the walkie-talkie in his hand, he was surprised. The movers must have found it and put it with all the other toys!

Jason quickly jumped to his feet and rushed over to his bed, jamming it between the boxspring and the mattress. He couldn't let his parents find it again. Tomorrow at school, Jason thought, he'd tell Nate that he had the walkie-talkie back and that they were going to have to figure out just how far across the park they could be and have them still work.

Jason felt a little better after that; some of his fears eased. He could still keep in contact with Nate, and that was the most important thing. Jason finally started to believe that maybe things would still be okay.

OOo

Nate jumped a little when he heard his name coming from under his pillow. The Wednesday before Jason started his new school, Nate had told him that his parents were leaving on Friday morning. They were going away for the weekend to try to rekindle the love in their marriage, and no pesky children were allowed. But he hadn't thought Jason would just say his name rather than the usual three clicks and let Nate answer him if he could.

"You scared the crap out of me," Nate admitted into the radio.

Jason laughed and apologized. "Meet me at the park in fifteen minutes, I have a surprise."

"Okay," Nate agreed, not bothering to ask what it was. He didn't want to know. Jason had given him a few surprises in the time they'd known one another and they were always great. He pulled on his jeans and a tee shirt and put on his shoes before leaving the house, walking out through the front door for the first time since his window was broken.

Nate got to the park early and had been sitting on one of the swings for a full ten minutes before Jason showed up.

"Hey, how long you been here?" Jason asked as he jogged over to the swing set and sat down on another swing.

"Just a few minutes," Nate replied. "What's the surprise?"

Jason smiled and it filled up the whole bottom half of his face. "Come on, I'll show you."

Nate got off the swing and followed. They walked for probably twenty minutes before Nate started hearing music and seeing lights flashing behind a few of the buildings.

"Mom brought me and Jess here a few days ago, they had a half price deal where you could get buy one get one on all the food if you brought twins. I think mom gained ten pounds that night," Jason laughed.  
Nate was too busy trying to see between the buildings to pay much attention to what Jason was saying. Then he heard Jason laugh and felt Jason's hand in his. "Come on," Jason said and started pulling Nate with him as he ran between the buildings. "You're going to love this!"

Nate stopped dead once they'd made it out from between the buildings, and just stared at the rides and the concession stands and all the people walking around and laughing. He startled when a couple of teenagers stopped in front of them. "Go on boys, go have some fun," the girl said and snuggled close to the boy.

"Go make some memories," the boy added before they walked away arm in arm. Nate watched them for a long moment before Jason pulled him into motion.

"They're so stoned," Jason laughed. "Come on, Nate, let's go pay."

"Jason..."

"Nate," Jason said and turned around to face him. "Would I have brought you here if I wasn't going to pay for you? Come on, your parents are gone for two whole days, we have to celebrate!"

"Okay," Nate agreed and followed Jason to the ticket booth. Jason paid and they both got red wristbands that looked like the kind of thing that gets put on at the hospital. As they walked down the aisles Nate was speechless. He'd never been to a place like this, hadn't even seen one close up. There were so many lights and he couldn't stop watching them as they spun around and around. He smiled at the people screaming and throwing their hands up. The smells of all the different foods were driving him crazy and his mouth was watering and his stomach was growling. "Jason," he said excitedly as he faced his friend, putting his hands on Jason's shoulders and pulling him a little closer. "I want to do it all. I want to ride everything and eat everything and try _everything_."

Jason laughed and nodded. "Okay, but let me tell you something I learned from experience. You need to ride _before_ you eat, otherwise you'll lose it all once you get off the ride."

"Okay, let's ride then, what should we ride first?" Nate knew he was talking faster than normal, but his mind was moving so fast, taking in all the new things that it felt like if he didn't talk fast he wouldn't get out all his thoughts. Jason was laughing, but Nate knew he wasn't laughing at him; it was a happy sound not a mocking one.

"Are you scared of heights?" Jason asked as he urged Nate to continue walking.

"I don't think so, we climbed that tree," Nate told him.

"Oh yeah," Jason laughed.

It was Friday night and it looked like everyone was there. The lines were ridiculous, but Jason assured Nate that there were less people now than there had been earlier in the evening. All the mothers had taken their children home and all that was left were teenagers and young kidless couples, and a few defiant children like them.

The line for the Ferris wheel was a little bit crazy and Jason said it was because all the boys liked to take their girlfriends on it and touch them under their skirts when they were stuck at the top. Nate looked around and noticed that yes, most of the teenage girls were wearing skirts. It disturbed him a little and he wasn't exactly sure why. Finally, they made it to the front of the line and Nate smiled when they were motioned into the orange car.

"Orange is my favorite color," he said as the operator secured the bar.

"I know," Jason said with a smile as the wheel began to turn.

Nate looked out over the crowd when they stopped. They weren't very high but Nate felt a little bit like a king, sitting on his thrown above the kingdom he ruled. Jason was beside him, so they were co-rulers of the kingdom and all the people had to get them everything they wanted.

Nate gasped a little when the wheel started turning again.

"Yeah, it's a little jolting when it starts moving," Jason said and scooted a little closer to Nate. "But, they'll have all the cars unloaded and reloaded soon and we can ride smooth for a minute. I love Ferris wheels."

The next time they stopped they were at the top, and Nate looked around again. "Wow," he said. He could see the street and all the headlights on the cars, he could see houses, some completely dark and some with a few lights on, and he could see people walking through the parking lot of the mall. He smiled and looked at Jason. "This is great, Jason," he said. "Thank you for bringing me here."

Jason smiled a soft sweet smile and put his arm around Nate's shoulders. "You're welcome, Nate," he said and leaned in a little bit closer. "I want to make you happy."

Nate smiled and then Jason's lips were there, pressed against his. Nate just closed his eyes, and pressed closer. He never felt better than when he was with Jason, and when he felt something wet on his lips, he just went with it. Jason's tongue slid into his mouth and Nate did his best to imitate the action, tasting whatever Jason had for dinner in his mouth. He thought maybe that should be gross, but it wasn't at all.

Both boys grunted when the wheel began turning again, and they separated but stayed pressed together from shoulder to hip. After a moment, Nate looked at Jason and smiled. "That was nice, I liked that. Where did you learn to do it?" he asked.

Jason looked at him, and Nate thought his friend looked relieved, as if he'd been worried that Nate hadn't liked the kiss. "Well, remember when I said mom brought me and Jess here the other day? I had to go to the bathroom and when I was coming back, I saw a boy and a girl leaning up against a pole and that's how they were kissing. I saw their tongues and everything. It looked really nasty, but, I don't know, just now when I kissed you, I thought I'd try it. It wasn't as nasty as they made it look. Of course, you weren't licking my face like he was doing to her."

Nate scrunched up his nose at the thought of licking someone's face. "No, it wasn't nasty, I liked it and... you know, if we ever get another chance... I'd like to do it again."

Jason smiled and leaned even closer, pressing Nate against the side of the car. "So would I."  
—-

They rode the Tilt-a-Whirl next, then the Bumper Cars and the Scrambler and the Spider. Jason took Nate on every ride in the carnival, but they rode the Ferris wheel a total of three times. After Nate was finished with the rides, Jason took him to the food stands. He ate a hamburger first, and he couldn't remember even opening his eyes as he savored every delicious greasy bite, then he licked his fingers all the way to their next stop. Nate had never had so many different kinds of foods and all of them except the burger were like desserts. He and Jason shared an elephant ear that was as big as Nate's head, and then a funnel cake covered in powdered sugar. They ate cotton candy and fried Oreo cookies and washed it all down with a root beer float. They were the last ones to leave the carnival as the workers were shutting down all the rides.

Nate leaned against the side of a building and held his stomach. "Oh man, I've never been this full, it feels kind of good."

Jason laughed and stood in front of him, "I'm glad you had a good time," he said and leaned against Nate pressing their mouths together.

Nate grunted and pushed at Jason a little.

"What?" Jason asked, a small frown on his face.

"Nothing," Nate said, "but I just told you I was very full. It might not be a good idea to lean on me that hard. I might puke on you."

"Yuk, that's gross," Jason said and pulled back.

Nate put his hands on Jason's shoulders and pulled him back in. "But aren't you glad I warned you?"  
Jason laughed and nodded. "Yeah, thanks for the warning," he said and kissed Nate softly without leaning on him.

They stayed there, both leaning against the wall for a few minutes, giving Nate's stomach some time to digest before they started walking. When they got to the park, Jason veered off and pulled a duffel bag out of the bushes.

"What's that?" Nate asked.

"My sleeping bag and pajamas," Jason told him. "Mom thinks I'm spending the night with Nigel, so I can't go home, and I can't go to Nigel's house, it's one in the morning. I'm going to camp out in the grove of trees."

"No, Jason, that's not safe," Nate protested.

"Well I have to sleep somewhere," Jason said.

"With me," Nate suggested. "My parents aren't home, remember? You can stay at my house. We just have to make sure we don't move anything or take anything that I'm not allowed to have. They'd notice when they get home."

Jason looked at him for a moment before smiling. "Okay, I'll stay with you and we won't do anything that will get you in trouble."

"Okay," Nate said with a smile and they started walking again. It didn't take long to get to Nate's house, even though they were walking slow. He unlocked the front door and invited Jason in before closing and locking the door behind them. "Well, here we are," he said and moved further into the living room.  
"Home sweet home."

oOo  
Jason looked around in surprise. The house was fully furnished; couches and chairs and tables, knickknacks on the shelves, which were full of books and movies and cassette tapes. When he glanced in the kitchen, there were dishes by the sink and bread in a bag on the counter. Even the refrigerator was full of food. A fierce anger flared in Jason's gut as he realized that Nate's parents had all this stuff and barely gave Nate anything. He should have brought snacks, he realized as he followed Nate to his bedroom.

"I'm sorry I didn't think to buy anything for us to have here," he said as he set his things down.

"We can go back out and go down to the gas station," Nate suggested. "Though the thought of moving right now? I'll pass."

Jason laughed and sat on the bed and pulled Nate down with him. "We can go later if we're hungry." He kissed Nate, just to do it; it was still so new and every time they kissed Jason's heart did flip flops in his chest. When they separated, Jason reached for his bag and pulled out his sleeping bag. "We can spread this over the bed as a blanket," he suggested as he unzipped the bag.

Nate's bed was pretty small, but Jason didn't mind. The sleeping bag fit perfectly over it and they huddled together under it, Jason curling around Nate protectively. "You had fun tonight?" he asked, wanting to make sure.

"Yeah," Nate replied. "It was the most fun I've ever had."

"Good," Jason grinned and kissed Nate. "I had a lot of fun too."

oOo

Things went back to the way they used to be when Jason's family moved away. Not that much had changed when he was there, except that Nate had someone who cared about him. He had a friend, and yeah, Jason was still his friend, but he didn't live across the street anymore. Nate never got to see Jason now, except in the park for a few hours on the weekend and that wasn't enough. Jason had made going to school fun; Nate had looked forward to lunch because Jason always grabbed something for him from the lunch line and he looked forward to the games they played at recess. Now though, he'd gone back to being hungry until dinner and sitting under the slide at recess to get away from all the other kids. He didn't like the other kids; they picked on him and called him names.

Nate sighed and pulled on his shoes, they were a little too small and his toes hurt, but he couldn't tell his parents that. He looked out the window toward the house across the street, there was a for sale sign in the yard and that made Nate's stomach hurt, especially when his eyes fell on the small mound of dirt that covered their time capsule. The grass hadn't even started growing back yet. He hoped that whoever moved into the house wouldn't dig it up and read his letter. That was for Jason. Picking up his backpack, Nate turned around and left his room.

"Off to school?" his mother asked from her place at the dining room table. She had eggs and bacon in front of her and Nate's mouth watered.

"Yeah," he said and turned toward the door.

"Don't I get a kiss?" she asked.

Nate looked at her for a moment. Every now and then she did things like that, expected him to be the loving child. "Sorry," he said softly and walked over to her. The bacon smelled delicious and he wanted to reach out and grab a piece, but he knew better. Instead he just leaned over and touched his lips to his mother's cheek.

"That's my good boy, have a good day at school."

Nate nodded and forced a smile, "I will," he lied.  
—-

He spent the morning staring out the window and thinking of Jason. Every now and again he'd look over at the seat beside him and see someone else sitting there and he'd wish the teacher would move him to another seat.

In Language Arts their assignment was to write a paper on what they did the night before. He didn't write anything. He thought about writing exactly what had happened, but it would have been a paragraph, not a paper. He thought about writing 'my dad hit me across the face because I dropped my glass of water when he bumped into me. Then my parents shouted at each other and then I laid in bed listening to sex noises.' But he knew that writing that would only get him in trouble. If the teachers decided to believe him this time, they'd call CPS and they'd come out. Nate would lie again, and then probably get smacked around for doing something that warranted a call to CPS so soon after their last visit. When the papers were collected, he turned in a paper with his name and the date and nothing else.

During lunch he looked out the window at the playground and the slide. He didn't want to spend another recess just sitting there listening to all the other kids have fun. He missed Jason and he wanted to see him. As soon as the teacher had moved away from the lunch room door, Nate picked up his back pack and left. There was only one teacher on the playground so it was easy for Nate to slip past him and out through the gate. He knew he'd get in trouble if the teachers realized he was missing, but he thought some things were worth a slap in the face, and Jason was one of them.

He made his way through the park and found the school. He didn't know if that was the school Jason went to or not, and if it was, Jason might not even be outside, but it was worth a look. He crossed the street and stood outside the fence looking into the school yard. He stood there for half an hour before a class finally came out. He scanned the boys and girls dressed in their maroon shorts and yellow shirts looking for Jason. Finally he spotted him and Nate waved.

Jason waved back and jogged over to the fence, slipping his hand through and touching Nate's fingers. Nate smiled and squeezed Jason's hand.

"What are you doing here?" Jason asked.

"I missed you," Nate replied, "so I thought I'd come see you."

"You're skipping school?"

Nate shrugged. "There was no reason to stay there."

"Nate, you're going to get in trouble," Jason said and Nate heard the concern in his tone.

"Nah, my parents never answer the phone."

"What if they send a note?"

"They never open school mail either. They think it's all about asking them to pay for things or go on a field trip."

Jason sighed and Nate felt his heart sink a little; it felt like Jason didn't want him there. Then his friend smiled and rubbed his thumb over Nate's knuckles. "I miss you too," he said softly. "I hate my parents for making us move. I was happy there, with you."

Nate nodded, "I was happy too," he said sadly.

"Jason Markham, join the class or run laps, your choice," the teacher called and Jason sighed.

"I have to go. This gym teacher is a bulldog, he's so mean. Everyone here is mean."

"I'm sorry you're so unhappy," Nate said and squeezed Jason's fingers again.

"Yeah I'm-"

"Today, Markham!"

"I have to go," Jason said and pulled his hand back through the fence. "Think you can get to the park tonight? Maybe we can play for awhile before I have to go to bed."

"I'll be there," Nate replied as Jason jogged back to the rest of his class. He stood there and watched Jason do jumping jacks for a little while longer before turning away and walking down the street. He felt a little better for having seen Jason, but he still felt very empty and alone.

Nate went to the park and into the grove of trees. He found the tree Jason had helped him climb and he climbed up and sat on one of the higher branches. He missed his friend and the time they had spent together. It felt like there was a hole inside him and it got bigger every day. The only part of his life that he didn't hate was the part that had Jason in it, and that part was a lot smaller than it used to be. He'd see Jason tonight, they'd run and play and laugh and talk, but tomorrow Nate would wake up and go to a school that didn't have Jason in it. Part of him hoped he just didn't wake up tomorrow, but he knew he would. He'd wake up and go to school, and after lunch he'd go see Jason again. This was how he decided his life would be. Until he and Jason found a way to be together, he'd take what he could get, even if it meant he'd be wearing bruises for the next few years.

oOo  
A few weeks later, when it became apparent that Nate was going to skip school to see Jason every day, Jason worked out a plan. "I'm sick," he told his mother on Monday morning when he came down to breakfast. Jess gave him a knowing look but didn't say anything.

"Hm," Mom felt Jason's forehead. "I'll go get the thermometer. Try to eat your breakfast, okay?"

Jason nodded and watched their mother leave the room.

"You are not sick," Jess told him when they were alone. "You're gonna go meet Nate, aren't you?"

Jason rolled his eyes. "Come on, Jess," he sighed.

"I'm not saying anything, don't worry. But you owe me."

Mom came back and gave Jason the thermometer. "I'll be back in a few minutes. I have to go get ready for work."

Jason nodded and stuck the thermometer under his tongue. Two minutes later, Jess held out her hand. "Give it to me."

Jason raised an eyebrow, but handed over the thermometer. Jess grinned at him and stuck it in their mother's coffee. "Now when she comes in and checks it, it will actually show that you have a fever."

"Jess, you're brilliant," Jason laughed.

"I know," Jess smirked. She gave the thermometer back and Jason stuck it back in his mouth, grimacing at the coffee taste.

A moment later, their mother came back in the room and took the thermometer from him. "Well, you do have a bit of a fever," she said reluctantly. "Okay, you can stay home today. But I want you in bed and resting, understand. I have a very important meeting today and I can't stay home with you. I'll call you at noon to check on you though. And Dad will be home at four."

"Okay," Jason agreed.

Once Jess was on the bus and Mom was out the door, Jason sat in his bed and fidgeted with the walkie-talkie. Nate would already be walking towards school, so there was no point in going to the park to use it. Jason had nothing to do but wait until after his mother called him. Then he could put his plan in motion.

He never really got to see Nate anymore, except for during gym class. Today was going to be different. Jason grinned softly as he imagined Nate's expression when he turned to see Jason standing on the same side of the fence as he was. It would be great. They'd have a few hours together before Jason would have to be back at the house. It wasn't a whole day but it was better than forty-five minutes with a fence between them and a teacher yelling at Jason every few minutes. Jason didn't even care if the school told his parents about it. What were they gonna do? Move again? It wasn't like Nate was going to get in trouble, so Jason wasn't worried.

The hours seemed to drag by as Jason watched TV, played his video games, and read a little, but finally it was noon and the phone was ringing. "Hello," Jason answered the phone.

"How are you feeling, baby?" Mom's voice came over the line.

"A little better," Jason replied tiredly. "I've been sleeping most of the day."

"Oh good. I'll bring you some Ginger Ale when I come home, okay?"

"Thanks, Mom."

"I better go, but keep up the resting. I love you."

"Love you too," Jason repeated. They hung up and Jason quickly pushed his feet into his shoes and grabbed his jacket.

The walk to the school was uneventful and soon Jason was waiting across the street, watching the fence where Nate always appeared. Jason didn't have very long to wait; soon Nate was walking up the street, his hand dragging along the school fence. "Hey!" Jason called. When Nate turned, Jason waved, grinning.

Nate quickly crossed the street and ran over to Jason. "What are you doing here?" Nate laughed. Jason's chest tightened at the sound. He missed hearing Nate laugh.

"I told my mom I was sick, so I stayed home from school. We have a few hours until my dad gets home, and I thought we could go back to my house and relax. It's a single story house, so when we hear my dad you can just slip out the window." Jason took Nate's hand, running his thumb over Nate's knuckles.

Nate smiled and nodded. "Okay," he agreed.

Still holding Nate's hand, Jason led the way down the street and towards the house.

When they got there, Jason let them in and then went directly for the kitchen. "Hungry? Mom made Roast Beast last night."

"What?" Nate asked, confused. "Don't you mean Roast Beef?"

Jason turned and grinned, chuckling. "Yeah, but we call it Roast Beast. We have since Jess and I were little. It's from Dr. Seuss."

Nate looked at him blankly and Jason shook his head. "Never mind, it's a little kid's book. Anyway, want a sandwich?"

Once they had their sandwiches and cans of soda, Jason showed Nate to his room. "Everything's set up, so we can watch something if you want."

"Sure," Nate nodded, sitting on Jason's bed and taking a bite of his food.

Jason pulled a Transformers tape off his shelf and pushed it in the VCR before joining Nate on the bed.

They ate in silence, leaning against each other as the show played. Once their food was gone, Jason pulled Nate down into the bed and curled around him as they kept watching. It was only when Nate shivered that Jason realized he was stroking Nate's wrist bones with his thumb. "Sorry," Jason apologized.

"No, it's okay," Nate hurried to say. "It feels good."

"Oh," Jason smiled into Nate's hair. "Okay." He kept moving his thumb back and forth, more aware now of Nate's smooth skin and the tiny hills and valleys his wrist bones made. When the show ended, neither of them made any move to change the tape. Nate just snuggled closer and sighed happily.

"We should do this for the rest of our lives," Nate spoke quietly.

"Yeah," Jason kissed Nate's hair and held him tightly.

When Nate turned and pressed their lips together, Jason groaned softly and kissed back. There was nothing awkward about this, nothing wrong with it. Jason had never felt so _right_ in his whole life.

They'd just pulled away from each other, panting, when Jason heard his father's car in the driveway. "Shit," he groaned. "You better go."

"Yeah," Nate sighed. He kissed Jason one more time before sliding off the bed. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," Jason smiled. "I'll be watching for you."

oOo

Nate woke up early and got dressed for school as he usually did. The difference today was that there was no school. All the teachers had meetings so the kids got the day off. Normally, Nate hated these days, they meant long lonely hours at the park trying to keep away from all the other kids. But the last time Jason had skipped school, they'd made plans for today. Jason had told him that he'd pretty much run out of excuses to stay home, which meant that he wouldn't be able to do it again, even if he was sick. But today was a free day and Jason's parents still had to work.

Nate had to focus on not acting happier than he usually did, but that didn't turn out to be a problem since his father was still passed out on the couch from the night before and his mom apparently hadn't gotten out of bed yet. He made his way across the park and hid at the far side of the house until Jason's mom came out.

"Be good Jason," she called as she opened the car door. "If you need anything call me or dad at work. Our numbers are on the wall beside the phone. There's left over spaghetti in the fridge. There's also sandwich meat and chips."

Nate watched as she got into the car and waved at her son. He wished he lived in Jason's house. He didn't want to switch places with Jason, that would mean that Jason would be stuck with his loser parents, but he didn't want to be Jason's brother either. Given some of the things they'd done, that would be extremely gross.

"Alright, Nate," Jason called and Nate came out from the side of the house.

"Man, Jason, you've got it so good."

"Good? Nate my parents made me move. We can't be together because of them, I hate that they've done this."

Nate sighed and shook his head as he climbed the front steps. "At least you get dinner, Jason. They leave food for you, they don't mark the containers whenever they leave the house to see if you've stolen anything while they were gone. Yeah, they made you move, but that's because they love you."  
Jason bit his lip and nodded. "Yeah, you're right. I'm sorry. You want some spaghetti? Or a sandwich? I think we have turkey this time, it's not bad but it's definitely not my favorite."

"Sure," Nate replied as he followed Jason into the house. "All of the above."

Jason turned and looked at him for a second before nodding. "Come on then, whatever you want you can have."

"Where's Jess?" Nate asked as he followed Jason through the house.

"She spent the night with her friend Alyssa," Jason replied. "We have the whole house to ourselves."

"Nice," Nate said happily. He'd been planning on having Jason's pesky twin sister butting into everything.  
Her being gone made things a lot easier.  
—-

Nate flopped down on Jason's bed and put a hand on his stomach. "Sorry I ate all the chips. You won't get in trouble will you?"

"Nah, I'm thirteen, my parents expect me to eat junk all day when I'm alone."

Nate sat up and grabbed his backpack. "So, I snagged us a tape off my dad's shelf," he said as he pulled it out and held it up. "It was way in the back so he won't notice its missing."

"Cool, put it in," Jason said as he sat on the bed.

Nate got up and put the tape in. The black screen faded to the title.

"Thrust?" Jason asked as Nate sat back down beside him.

Nate shrugged, "I don't know, I just grabbed one."

The first scene was a woman walking into a mechanics shop, looking for a job. The men in the shop told her that she couldn't do it because she was a girl. She bet them that she could do anything they did, and they accepted her bet. The scene faded to black and then...

"Holy crap, Nate!" Jason shouted as the man pounded the woman into the hood of a race car. "This is not what I was expecting."

"I know!" Nate shouted back as he fumbled for the remote control.

"Ugh, that's disgusting, Nate, turn it off."

"I'm trying to," Nate said. But instead of turning off, the tape started fast forwarding.

"Give me that," Jason said and grabbed for the remote.

"Wait wait!" Nate shouted as another naked man walked into the scene.

"Whoa," Jason said without taking the tape off fast forward. The camera panned in on the two men. The darker one had his hand around the lighter one's cock.

"Um..." Nate said as his pants began getting a little tight around the hips.

"Yeah," Jason replied.

"Maybe we should watch Transformers," Nate suggested.

"I think so," Jason said and pushed the stop button.

When Jason got up to change the tape, Nate grabbed one of his pillows and settled it on his hips. Jason did the same when he sat down.

"That was... um..." Nate said and tried not to look at Jason. He had purely inappropriate thoughts flying through his head.

"Yeah... it was." Jason replied awkwardly.

They watched two whole episodes of Transformers before Nate started feeling a little more normal and he took the pillow off his lap and relaxed.

"This is nice," he said as he snuggled into Jason.

"Yeah," Jason agreed and started in on the seemingly absent minded rubbing of Nate's wrist. Nate liked that, he wasn't sure why, but Jason rubbing his wrist relaxed him even more and made him feel very calm.

"I like it when you do that," Nate said and closed his eyes.

"Yeah?" Jason asked and snuggled down further into the bed.

"Yeah."

Nate sighed when he felt Jason's lips on his head, and he lifted his head a little until his lips could meet Jason's. He leaned forward and pressed against Jason until he was between Nate and the bed. The kiss was deeper than it had ever been, a little messier and a lot noisier. Both boys were moaning softly into each other's mouths and Jason's hands were gripping Nate's ass and pulling his hips in close. Nate's own hips began grinding down as if with a will of their own and Jason twisted his head away from the kiss. "Jesus, Nate..." he panted.

"I'm sorry," Nate said and moved to roll off of Jason.

"No," Jason said and held Nate tighter. "I like it, keep doing that."

Nate did as Jason asked and a moment later he gasped in a breath and jumped off of Jason's bed. "I um... bathroom?"

"Yeah, down the hall, second door on the left," Jason said.

After Nate had a better grip on himself, he went back to the bedroom only to find Jason gone. "Jason?" he called out into the house.

"I'm uh- in my parent's bathroom. I'll be right there," Jason replied.  
Nate nodded and sat back down on the bed.

When Jason came back in a moment later, his cheeks were pink. He slowly moved around the bed and sat down. "That was..."

"I know. It wasn't a good idea," Nate said.

"No, it was, but... we're..."

"We're too young to do things like that," Nate finished.

"And we'll both get in trouble," Jason added. "I don't want to do anything that would get either of us in trouble."

"No, neither do I. But the kissing... that's still okay, right?"

"Absolutely," Jason said and pulled Nate down onto the bed.

The next thing either of them know there was a deep voice calling Jason's name from the other room and heavy footsteps could be heard coming closer.

"Shit, it's dad," Jason said and shoved Nate off the bed.

Nate spun around twice looking for a way out before Jason body slammed him onto the floor.

"Under the bed," Jason whispered harshly and Nate slid under the bed frame.

"What was that noise?" Dad asked as he walked into the room.

"Um, I was asleep. You startled me and I fell off the bed," Jason said.

"Oh, I'm sorry. You been okay today?" his dad asked.

"Yeah, just watched Transformers all day."

"Sounds like fun. I'm going to go and get dinner started, mom's working late. Any special requests?"

"No, I'm good with whatever."

A moment later the footsteps were walking down the hall and Nate let out the breath he hadn't realized her was holding.

"Damn that was close," Jason said as he poked his head under the bed.

"I need to go," Nate said as he pulled himself out from under the bed.

"Yeah," Jason agreed and helped Nate off the floor. "I had a really good time today."

Nate smiled and nodded. "Me too, and I still think we should do this for the rest of our lives."  
Jason laughed lightly and nodded. "I still agree."

Nate leaned in and kissed Jason softly on the lips. "See you at school tomorrow?"

"Gym class is always at the same time," Jason smiled and hugged him.

Nate hugged back before grabbing his backpack and his father's tape then slipping out the window and hurrying down the street. He still had some time before he needed to be home, and he headed for the park. He'd had a great day though, a full eight hours with his best friend, there wasn't much more he could ask for at the moment.

oOo  
"So," Mom started over dinner three quarters of the way through the year, "I had Jason's parent/teacher conference today."

Jason sank down in his seat, suddenly not hungry, as his father looked up. "Yeah? How's he doing?"

"Jason has skipped school four times without our knowledge," Mom said, glancing at Jason. "They also said that a boy shows up every day during Jason's gym class and they talk at the fence through most of gym."

Jason suddenly felt sick and dropped his fork onto his plate as his father looked at him. "Is this true, Jason?"

"Yes, sir," Jason admitted softly.

"Is it Nate?" Mom asked.

Jason stared at his plate and nodded miserably. He could see Jess out of the corner of his eye, glancing back and forth between their parents and Jason worriedly.

"Jason," Dad sighed, "it's dangerous for you to hang out with him. If his father finds out..."

"I know," Jason growled, suddenly angry, "but we're careful, and now that you've moved us its not like he can just come across the street and grab me."

"Jason," his mother admonished. "The rules are there for a reason. We've talked about Nate a lot, and you know what we think about his family. You know the rules and you broke them anyway. There will be consequences. You're grounded. And if I find out that you've skipped again, you will come home from school, do your homework, do your chores, have dinner, and go to bed. For the rest of the year."

Jason stared at his mother in horror. "Mom, please," he started, but she shook her head.

"I can't have you skipping school, Jason. For any reason," she told him firmly.

Jason looked back down at his plate and nodded. There was no arguing with his parents when they were like this. "I understand," he said quietly.

The next day when Nate showed up during Gym, Jason jogged over to the fence. "I can't skip anymore," he told him. "My parents found out. If I skip again, they'll ground me from _everything._ I want to still be able to see you on weekends at the park."

Nate's face fell, but he nodded and reached up, squeezing Jason's hand through the fence. "Okay. Can I still come here during Gym?"

Jason shrugged. "Yeah, but I won't be able to talk to you as much. But I like seeing you."

Nate smiled. "I'll still come then."

"Good."

"Markham!" the teacher called, and Jason sighed.

"I gotta go."

That night, Jason was nearly asleep when he heard raised voices from his parent's room. His parents almost never argued, or at least not loudly, and Jason, overcome by curiosity, slipped out of bed and padded down the hall so he could hear.

"...just don't think it would be a good idea," Dad's tone made Jason think he was repeating himself. "Three months is a long time to be away-"

"We have to get him away from Nate, Joseph," Mom cut in, and Jason's heart skipped a beat. "If that means we have to send them away for the summer, I think it's worth it. They will have lots to do at Jacob's. It'll take his mind off what's happening here. And there's a whole farm full of animals to play with and there's kids out there around Jess and Jason's age."

"Martha can be so abrupt, though," Dad sighed.

Jason slowly backed away down the hall. Uncle Jacob and Aunt Martha's farm? For the whole _summer?_ Were they seriously talking about sending him and Jess there and not even talking to them about it? Jason had never really felt betrayed by his parents before. Even the sudden move hadn't hit him like this. Was his friendship with Nate so wrong?

—-

School was almost over before their parents brought it up to Jason and Jess over dinner. "So," Mom started over her meatloaf, "we've been thinking about it and we think it would be best for the two of you to stay with Uncle Jacob and Aunt Martha for the summer."

"What?" Jess asked incredulously. Jason sank lower in his chair and wondered, not for the first time, why his parents thought having these kinds of conversations over dinner was a good idea. "Why do I have to go? I didn't do anything wrong!" Jason stared at his twin like she'd grown a second head, but she just glared back at him. "What?" she snapped. "I wasn't the one skipping school."

"Jess, we're not arguing about this. You're both going. It'll be good for you. Out in the open air, meeting new people and making new friends," Mom glanced at Jason when she said the last part.

Jason rolled his eyes and pushed his chair back. "Yeah, new friends," he agreed, standing up. "Friends that don't live anywhere close to where I do."

"Jason," Mom called, but Jason had already turned his back and left the room. Without a word, Jason slipped his shoes on and left the house. He didn't care anymore what his parents did. They were already doing the worst thing possible, and Jason had been _good_ since that parent/teacher conference.

Jason let his anger carry him almost all the way through the park until he passed the stand of trees he and Nate used to play in all the time. There was some older boys hanging out there now, and Jason could see the tiny red glows as they smoked cigarettes. "Hey," one of the boys said, seeing him. "Want one?"

In a fit of rebellion, Jason jogged over to them. "Yeah," he replied, taking the offered cigarette. The boy lit it for him before turning back to his friends, clearly dismissing Jason.

Jason walked away from them before he put the smoke to his lips and inhaled. It _burned_ and Jason coughed hard, but after a moment of wondering if he was going to throw up, the feeling passed. Jason took a few more steps towards Nate's house and tried again. It still burned, but it wasn't so bad. A few puffs later, when Jason's feet hit the neighborhood sidewalk, he was flying. He felt _good,_ a little dizzy, but happy and calmer. If this was what smoking was like, Jason could totally understand the appeal.

He threw the butt away before he got to Nate's and stood outside Nate's window a few moments later. "Pst," Jason hissed.

Nate jumped, but came over to the window. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"My parents are sending me away for the summer," Jason growled. "All summer, up at my Uncle's farm."

Nate sniffed the air. "Jason, have you been smoking?"

"I come here to tell you something awful and you ask me _that_?" Jason asked incredulously. "Can you come out for a while or not?"

"Yeah," Nate nodded and a moment later he was vaulting through his still broken window.

They made their way to the park in silence and were walking towards the trees when Nate finally spoke. "All summer?" Jason nodded glumly. "Because of me?"

"They want me to meet new people and make new friends," Jason bit out angrily. He was happy to see the older kids still standing around. As they came closer, the same guy from before offered both of them cigarettes.

Nate stared at the offering like it might bite, but Jason hurried to take them both. "Thanks," he said after one of the cigarettes was lit. "Come on," he led Nate away towards the swings.

"Since when have you smoked?" Nate asked as they sat down.

Jason shrugged. "Since now, I guess. Seems to be helping me calm down a little." He saw Nate shift uncomfortably and sighed. "It bothers you?"

Nate shrugged, not looking at Jason.

Jason turned away from Nate and finished the cigarette before he turned back around. The second cigarette he held loosely, not wanting to damage it. He'd find a lighter or something later. "I can't believe my parents are carting us off to the country. It's like something out of a bad movie!"

"I don't want you to go," Nate whispered. When Jason really looked at him, Nate was shaking, his fists clenched at his sides. "I don't know what I'll do."

Jason wrapped an arm around Nate's waist and pulled him close. Nate shuddered and hugged him back, his fists clenching hard in Jason's shirt. Jason had to swallow past the lump in his throat before he could talk. "I'm sorry," he whispered. His eyes were stinging and he closed them tightly. Nothing seemed to be good enough to say, nothing would make this situation better, but he said things anyway. He would do anything to make Nate stop shaking. "I'll come back, it's only a few months. The first thing I'll do when I get back is come and see you, so you better still be here."

"Yeah," Nate sighed. He pulled away finally, just enough to kiss Jason. "I'll be here. I'd wait forever for you."

—-

The drive to the farm was excruciating. The Markhams had a long standing tradition to play games and sing songs on road trips, and Jason usually loved it, but this time, he couldn't get the image of Nate standing at the edge of the park and watching them load up the car out of his mind.

"Hey, Jas, wanna play Red Car, Blue Car?" Jess asked.

"No," Jason replied. He dug in his bag for a tape to put in his Walkman. Jess was taking the whole thing surprisingly well now, and Jason hated her a little bit too for going along with it.

"Jason, please try to get into the spirit," Mom said, turning around in the passenger's seat to look back at him. "This will be fun!"

Jason glared at her and put his headphones on. With his music up at almost full volume, it drowned out the happy conversations going on around him. He sighed and curled sideways in his seat, watching out the window as the city gave way to rolling hills and farmland.

—-

Uncle Jacob and Aunt Martha were sitting on the porch when Jason's dad stopped the car in front of the house. Uncle Jacob and Jason's father were identical twins, both going a little bald, some gray starting to mix in with the dark brown. Uncle Jacob grinned and sauntered off the porch as Dad opened the car door and got out.

"There you guys are!" Jacob laughed, hugging Jason's dad. "We were starting to wonder if you'd decided not to come."

As their parent's talked, Jason and Jess got out of the back seat and looked around. The drive in front of the house was dusty, but beyond it Jason could see horses and cows grazing in fields. Two dogs, a black and white Border Collie and a blue Australian Cattle Dog were lazing in the sun by the horse fence.

"Come on, Jason," Dad called, "let's get your stuff inside. Martha's made dinner for all of us."

Jason turned and sullenly hoisted his bags out of the trunk. He let them drag across the ground the whole way into the house.

—-

A few days after Jason's parents left, Jason met Cameron. Cam lived on a farm a few miles up the road and he came down every day to help Uncle Jacob with the horses. Cam was a few years older than Jason and knew pretty much everything there was to know about the horses. He showed Jason how to ride and they spent long afternoons exercising the horses. Cam smoked, and was more than happy to share with Jason. The conversations between them were easy, and it certainly helped that Jason thought Cam was ridiculously attractive.

"Jason's got a boyfriend," Jess giggled a few weeks later over dinner.

Jason kicked her under the table. "Cam is not my boyfriend," he told her.

"Uh huh," she kicked him back.

"I certainly hope he's not your boyfriend," Aunt Martha spoke firmly as she cut her steak. "That's disgusting."

Jason could actually feel the color leaving his face. "What do you mean?" he asked quietly.

Aunt Martha glanced up at him. "Homosexuality is wrong, Jason, Jess. It's unnatural and a grievous sin. Man and Woman were created for each other, and that is the only sort of natural relationship possible. Do you understand?"

Subdued, both Jason and Jess nodded. Jason's stomach twisted into knots as he remembered Nate; remembered holding him and kissing him and jerking off thinking about him. If it was wrong, how come nobody had told Jason that before? He didn't know, but Aunt Martha spoke with such conviction, and Uncle Jacob didn't say anything to contradict her.

"It's filthy," Aunt Martha told Jason as they were clearing the dishes from the table. "You're young enough now that with some serious reflection, you can get over it and have a normal happy life. You need to work on that. And I don't want you hanging around with Cam anymore. In fact, I'm going to ask him to stop coming over."

It was then that Jason understood. His parents hadn't sent him up here because they were afraid of Nate's father. They'd sent him to the farm because they'd realized that Jason and Nate were fooling around and wanted to get him away from that. His parents thought it was wrong too. Why hadn't they ever said anything about it?

Jason didn't know, wasn't sure what to think. All he knew was that his stomach felt like lead as he brushed his teeth and got ready for bed. His mind chased itself in circles as he stared up at his dark ceiling, and for a very long time, he couldn't sleep.

—-

Cam didn't come over the next day, and Jason mostly kept to himself. He was trying to reconcile to himself how something that felt so good, so right, could be so wrong. He couldn't make it make sense. Hoyle, the Cattle Dog, followed Jason down through the horse pasture and hung out with him by the creek. Jason liked Hoyle. The dog seemed to actively listen to what Jason had to say, but he would never tell anyone anything.

Cam had given Jason a pack of cigarettes and a lighter the day before, and Jason sat on the bank of the creek and lit one. Of course he'd only gotten a few puffs off of it before Jess appeared next to him. "You smoke?" she asked, shocked. "Jason that stuff is terrible for you!"

"I don't care," Jason growled. "Apparently _I'm_ terrible for me so what does it matter?"

"Aunt Martha was way out of line," Jess sighed as she sat down. "I'm sorry I said anything."

"Its fine," Jason watched the smoke curl up into the still air. "Cam wasn't my boyfriend."

"Nate is," Jess added, and Jason glanced at her. She smiled sadly. "I figured he was."

"Do you think that's the real reason Mom and Dad sent us up here?" Jason asked softly, "because it's wrong and unnatural?"

"No," Jess replied, scooting a little closer and bumping Jason's shoulder with her own. "I think they sent us up here for the reasons they said they did. They're scared of Nate's family and what might happen to you."

"It can't be a coincidence," Jason mused, "that they send us away to get me away from Nate and Aunt Martha sent Cam away because she's worried that we're doing things."

"Would you have?"Jess asked curiously.

Jason laughed hollowly. "Probably not. I don't want to be with anyone but Nate."

"You love him!" Jess grinned.

Jason rolled his eyes and shook his head, but his heart jumped and he knew it was true.

"Love can't be wrong," Jess told him. "Love is never wrong."She took the nearly burned out cigarette from Jason and threw it into the creek.

Jason just hoped she was right.

oOo

Nate remembered it like it had happened yesterday, the way he couldn't stop the shaking when Jason told him he was leaving for the summer, the look on Jason's face and how tightly he'd held Nate. Nate continued shaking the entire night after that, he and Jason hadn't known one another very long, but Nate already couldn't imagine life without him. Without Jason, Nate had nothing to do. He managed to get out of the house sometimes and go to the park, but it was always filled with the kids he didn't like. His parent's had him doing all the things they didn't want to do around the house and he barely had any  
free time.

At night, he'd stand at his window and look out at the house Jason used to live in. No one had moved in yet, and the grass was starting to grow over their time capsule so Nate stopped worrying about it so much. He thought about Jason all the time, wondered if he was having a good time and if he was thinking of Nate from time to time. He hoped he was, but at the same time, he didn't want Jason to feel as lonely as he did. Jason probably wasn't lonely though, he had a great family so he was probably too busy to feel sad. He was most likely going to fairs and amusement parks and the swimming pool. He'd be happy if Jason was having a good time. It was only a couple more months and then Jason would be back and things would be normal again.

—-

Nate found himself standing on Jason's front porch. He knew Jason wasn't there so he didn't know what he was doing.

"Nathan," Jason's mom said as she opened the door. Nate looked up at her.

"Please don't call me that," he said and looked down at the porch floor.

"I'm sorry, Nate," she said.

He didn't know what to say, he didn't even know why he was standing on the porch in the first place, and he certainly hadn't meant to knock on the door. But now that he was here he had to say something.  
"Why won't you let Jason be my friend?" he asked before he even knew he was speaking.

"Oh Nate, it's not that we don't want him to be your friend. It's just-"

"My father," Nate finished for her.

"Yes, I'm sorry. We don't want to take the chance that he'd hurt Jason."

"I'd never let him hurt Jason."

"I know you wouldn't want him to. But sweetheart, he's much bigger than you," she said. Her voice was soft and sweet and for some reason, hearing it made him miss Jason even more.

He sighed, "you don't believe me. Adults never believe me."

"Nate... I,"

"I have to go now Mrs. Markham. I'm sorry I got Jason in trouble."

"Nate..." the woman said as Nate hurried down the steps and into the park.

'What was I thinking?' Nate thought as he made his way over to the grove of trees. The cigarette boys were standing where they were the day Jason told him he was leaving. One of them nodded at him but he just walked around them and into the trees. His heart sank when he spotted the tree he and Jason climbed. There was a group of boys in it and they were building the platform of a tree house. Nate rubbed at his eyes and moved away from the boys. Now not only was Jason gone, but Nate didn't have their special spot either. He walked a little bit further and sat down on the bank of the small pond. He hadn't even known it was here and he made a note to tell Jason about it. Maybe they could go swimming if Jason was back before school started again.

"Nate?"

Nate turned around and found Jason's dad standing behind him, and suddenly he was very angry. They didn't want Jason to hang out with him but it was apparently okay for them to stalk along behind him until he found a place to be alone. "Leave me alone, please," Nate said and turned back toward the water.

Jason's dad didn't leave though. Instead he came over and sat beside Nate. "I want you know that it's not that we dislike you. You're probably a very good boy," he said. "We're just afraid of what your father might do to Jason."

Nate sighed but didn't say anything.

"We heard what happened that night," the man said after a long moment of silence.

"What night?" Nate asked.

"The night CPS was called."

"Oh, I thought it was probably you guys that called."

"Jason wondered why you didn't tell them the truth," Mr. Markham asked and Nate just sighed.

"Because they don't believe me. They never believe me. They come and the look in the fridge and in the cabinets, they ask me questions then they shake my dad's hand and tell him they're sorry for wasting his time."

"But if you told them the truth, maybe they wouldn't think they were wasting time."

"I tried that. Like I said, they don't believe me. Dad tells them I'm lying and they say kids that age do that sometimes. Then I'm left there alone and he's mad. It's easier not to make him mad."

"Nate..."

"Leave me alone please."

"No I... Nate, you need to tell them."

"Leave me alone, Mr. Markham. I promise I won't make Jason skip school anymore."

"I'm not here because of that."

"I think the boy said leave him alone." Nate turned and saw the cigarette boy behind them. He didn't wait to see what happened, as soon as Jason's dad was turned away, Nate got up and left. He wasn't even safe at the park anymore. What was he supposed to do now?

He didn't go back to the park, there was no reason to; the tree was taken up and there was no chance of seeing Jason.

oOo  
"Is that Cam out in the horse pasture?" Aunt Martha asked one morning over breakfast. Jason quickly glanced out the window and was happy to see that yes, it _was_ Cam.

"I thought I said I didn't want him around," Aunt Martha continued.

"He's good with the horses and I need the help," Uncle Jacob replied, not looking up from his paper.

"He's also a queer," Aunt Martha replied, "and I don't want queers around here. We're trying to save Jason from that life, remember?"

"Don't call him that!" Jason snapped before he could stop himself.

Aunt Martha and Uncle Jacob both looked at him. "Don't call him what?" Aunt Martha asked.

"Cam. Don't call him a... Don't call him that," Jason glared.

"You better get used to it, Jason," Aunt Martha chucked cruelly. "You keep going down this path, you're going to have to get used to the fact that every day of high school people are going to be calling you queer and faggot, and do you know why? They'll call you those things because they know that what you're doing is wrong, just like I've been trying to tell you."

Jason swallowed hard and left the table, quickly making his way outside. Cam looked up when the door slammed shut and when he saw Jason he grinned and waved. "Wanna take a ride?" he called.

Jason's eyes were burning and his stomach felt like there was a million knots in it. He wanted to ride, wanted to take a horse and run and run and run until he was back with Nate. He wanted a cigarette. Slowly he nodded. "Yeah," he said as he walked over to the pasture gate. "Got any smokes?"

Cam grinned down at him from the horse he was on. "Of course I do. I missed you, you know. You're fun to hang with."

"Yeah," Jason looked around and caught sight of his favorite horse grazing not far away.

"Aunt Martha called you 'queer' today," Jason said quietly once they were out of the pasture and on the trail. He took a deep drag from his smoke and sighed it out.

"A lot of people do," Cam replied. He didn't sound bothered by it. "I don't know why, really. I'm not."

"Not what?" Jason asked, lost.

"Queer."

"Oh," Jason looked away.

"Are you?" Cam asked.

Jason wasn't sure how to answer. He didn't want Cam to beat him up or leave him behind or stop being his friend, but he couldn't just lie, could he? Of course he could. It's not like Cam knew about Nate. "No," Jason managed to make it sound fairly normal, he thought.

After that, lying about it became easier and easier. He didn't spend very much time with Cam, only coming to him every few days for cigarettes and a ride on the horses. Aunt Martha eventually stopped looking at Jason like he was dirty, and he was relieved to be back in her good graces. If Jess looked at him strangely every once in a while, he ignored it.

There were other kids around, and Jacob gave Jason an old bike so he could ride down to the school playground, where there was a basketball court. He played ball almost every day and viscously stamped down any stray thoughts about how a couple of the boys he played with were pretty cute.

Three weeks before Jason's parents came to get them, Jason kissed a girl. She was the little sister of one of the older boys who played basketball. The kiss didn't feel all that great, but she didn't try to lick Jason's face, so he thought he could handle it. Hannah came over to the farm almost every day after that and followed Jason around like a puppy. He'd be annoyed at her, but Aunt Martha was so happy to see Jason behaving normally that he just put up with it.

Hannah cried when Jason told her he was going home the next day. "I don't want you to go!" she sobbed, flinging herself at Jason.

Jason caught her reflexively and hugged her. "I have to. This was just a visit."

"Will you still be by boyfriend?" she asked thickly.

Jason let her go and backed up. "No, I won't be out here again, probably."

"You're breaking up with me?" Hannah cried harder.

Jason shrugged, at a loss. "I'm sorry."

After she went home, Jason found Cam in the barn and they sat and smoked. "Tough breakup," Cam commented.

"I guess," Jason agreed.

Aunt Martha hugged Jason hard after all their things were in Mom and Dad's car the next day. "I'm so glad you've found yourself," she told him. "I love you, Jason."

Uncle Jacob shook Jason's hand, and once Jess had said her goodbyes, they were in the car and going back toward the city. "Did you have fun?" Mom asked, turning to look at both Jason and Jess.

Jason shrugged and Jess nodded. "Jason even had a girlfriend!"

Jason glanced up at his mother to see how she would take the news of his normalcy. She was smiling widely. "That's so cute," she laughed, turning back around in her seat. "Who wants to play Red Car, Blue Car?"

It was nearly dark when they got home, and Jason helped get the bags out of the car without argument. He saw movement out of the corner of his eye and glanced toward the park across the street. Nate stood at the park edge, watching, a smile on his face. Jason stared at him for a moment, torn. He wanted to say hi, but Nate would want to hug him, maybe even kiss him, and Jason couldn't let that happen. He was normal now. He gave Nate a small wave before picking up his bags and following Jess into the house.

oOo

Over the summer, things got worse with his parents. His mom stayed gone more often and his dad was drinking more. With mom away, dad had to argue with someone and Nate was the only one there. He hadn't put Nate in the hospital again; there would be too many questions to answer since school was out and he couldn't use gym class as an excuse for Nate's bruises.

He managed to stay away from the kids in the park for most of the summer. It wasn't until a week after Jason got home that he ran into a few of the boys he recognized from gym class. They were playing Frisbee with a few of the kids Nate recognized from Jason's gym class. Nate hadn't been paying attention as he walked through the park, he'd been looking for Jason ever since he saw him come home that night, but he never found him. Nate walked right into the line of fire and the Frisbee smacked him square in the temple, his vision blacked out for a second and then there were fists and feet.

He didn't tell his parents about the pain in his side, and he didn't show them the dark purple bruise that had formed across his ribs almost immediately. He didn't go back to the park after that; he spent the last week of summer in his bedroom, wondering why Jason didn't want to see him anymore. He wasn't sure he could go back to living life without his best friend.

oOo

Once school started Jason immediately made new friends. They wore a lot of dark clothes, which Jason thought was cool and it wasn't long before he'd managed to talk his parents into black jeans and t-shirts, things he actually wanted to wear. He played basketball before and after school and snuck out of study hall to hang with his friends behind the school, where they smoked cigarettes and complained about their families.

Jason discovered that skipping was easy if it was study hall. Once the teacher took attendance at the beginning of the period, the kids were largely ignored and it was easy to sneak out. As long as he was on time for the next class, no one was the wiser. Sometimes Michael would bring pot to their little gatherings behind the school, but Jason wasn't interested in trying it yet. Nobody cared though. The ones that wanted to would get high, and the rest of them would just have cigarettes and they all got along.

Mom was so happy that Jason had more friends now and that he'd stopped sneaking off all the time to see Nate, and Jason was relieved to see her happy. He hadn't realized how tired she'd looked before. Jess knew who Jason was hanging out with, of course, but she didn't say anything. She'd give him disapproving looks when he sat next to her in the class after study hall, reeking of cigarette smoke, but Jason just smiled lazily at her as the teacher called student's names.  
—-  
A few weeks after school started, Jason was playing basketball in the park with his friends. They took a break halfway through the game; a few of the guys roughhousing while Jason and some of the others smoked. It was then that he saw Nate sitting on a bench a short distance away, watching them.

Jason stared for a moment, debating, before finally giving in and walking over to see him. "Hey," he said as he stood in front of Nate. There was an old greenish bruise on Nate's temple and he seemed to be sitting carefully.

"Hi," Nate replied quietly. He didn't get up, in fact he barely moved at all.

"You okay?" Jason asked, concerned.

"Yeah," Nate answered.

"I'm sorry I didn't come to see you," Jason found himself saying. "A lot happened."

"Don't worry about it."

"You want to play basketball with us?" Jason felt like he was grasping for something, anything, to make this stop being awkward, but he had no idea what to say. He was just glad Nate hadn't tried to hug him.

Nate peered around Jason and Jason turned to glance at his friends. Not all of them went to Jason's new school, some of them Nate had to know. Nate looked up at Jason again and shook his head. "No thanks."

"Okay," Jason shrugged. "Well, want to meet up tomorrow and we can talk?"

Nate gave a one shoulder shrug. "Sure."

It was like pulling teeth, Jason thought when he jogged back over to his friends. He and Nate had agreed on a time to meet, but that was it. Nate wouldn't really talk about anything else.

"Who were you talking to?" Michael asked curiously.

"That looks like the kid that fucked up our Frisbee game," Dean laughed.

Jason decided he probably didn't want to know. "He's just some guy I used to go to school with," he explained. "I hadn't seen him in a while and wanted to see what was new." He passed the ball to Michael, and the game was on again.

oOo

Nate sat down gently in his usual seat in the back of the room. The new school year had brought a lot of changes, he was fourteen now, there wasn't any more recess. Instead, there was study hall, an entire hour to sit and do nothing. The teacher took attendance and then sat at her desk in the front of the room and read her magazine. Most of the other kids left to do whatever those kinds of kids did, but Nate still just sat there. At the moment, he was grateful for the time to put down his backpack. He was fairly convinced that a few of his ribs were cracked, his ribcage felt like fire every time he took a breath and moving even the tiniest bit was damn near excruciating, but he still had to hide it. He couldn't count the number of times he had to duck into the bathroom between classes to pop a few of the vicodin he'd stolen from his mother. He'd debated on that for a long time before actually doing it, but when he looked, one day while mom was out and dad was passed out, he saw that she had several half full bottles. It was like she forgot that she had them and went to get another refill. She had half the doctors in town on her client list, Nate was sure. He grabbed two of the less full bottles and mixed them together. The pills worked for the pain for a little while, but mostly they made his head feel like a balloon, and he didn't care quite so much about the things that happened around him.

It was Monday again, he'd met up with Jason in the park yesterday and it hadn't been the happy reunion he'd hoped for. It seemed that not only had Jason started hanging with a new crowd, he'd become one of them. His wardrobe had changed; he'd traded out his Transformers shirts for black tees with skulls and dark flames. His blue jeans had been replaced with tight black jeans, and he always had a pack of cigarettes in his pocket. Nate had showed up at the park at ten am Sunday morning like they'd agreed, Jason showed up half an hour later. Nate had taken two of his pills before leaving for the park, but they hadn't kicked in by the time Jason had arrived and Nate's ribs were hurting. Jason had asked him again if he was okay, and Nate had lied again and said he was. He didn't know if Jason believed him, but he didn't ask about it again. He'd mentioned that his friends had said something about a Frisbee game and asked if that was where the bruise on his temple had come from. Nate said it was, and that was the end of that particular conversation.

Jason wasn't the same boy he had been when he'd left for the summer and Nate wondered what had happened at his aunt and uncle's, but he didn't ask. There was something about Jason that seemed damaged; he wouldn't look at Nate for very long, and he hadn't touched him at all. Before the end of the school year it had been hard to get them apart, both figuratively and literally, and now it was like there was a wall between them even though they were sitting right beside each other. There was a pain inside Nate's chest that was even worse than his ribs every time he thought of Jason and the look in his eyes whenever he managed to look at Nate. Something had changed and it wasn't a good change, and Nate was back to feeling completely alone. He'd lost his best friend after all, and it was made worse by the fact that he still saw him.

Nate sighed and looked around the classroom; everyone was gone except the few kids in the front of the class that actually used study hall to study. He reached into the front pocket of his backpack, thumbed the top off his pill bottle and took another one. The water in his bottle was warm and it made Nate gag a little, but he didn't care. There wasn't much he did care about these days.

oOo  
"So," Jason said as he sat down next to Nate a few weeks later. "I have a girlfriend now." The words tasted sour in his mouth and he reached for his cigarettes.

"You have a girlfriend?" Nate sounded surprised.

"Of course I do," Jason snapped. The unlit cigarette hung loosely from his fingers. He'd remembered Nate didn't react well to him smoking. "She goes to your school, actually. Dean's little sister, Mary."

"Mary Fergus?" Nate asked.

Jason nodded. "Yeah. We've only been dating for a few days, but she seems nice enough." Nate shrugged and didn't say anything. When Jason looked at him, he was staring off across the park. "You weren't interested in her, where you?" Jason asked.

"No," Nate chuckled hollowly. "I'm not interested in anyone."

"Good," Jason replied. "I wouldn't want to encroach."

"No worries."

Jason nodded and looked around the park. Across the lawn at the playground, kids were running and screaming and having fun. Jason wished he could be one of those kids again, wished he and Nate could play tag or wrestle or climb trees without looking like idiots and queers. As it was though, they just sat on a park bench in an awkward silence, Nate staring into space, and Jason fidgeting with the unlit cigarette.

"Hey, Jason!" Jason looked up at Michael's shout and barely managed to catch the basketball that had been flung at his head. "You gonna sit around all day like you're ninety or do you want to play ball?"

Jason laughed and looked at Nate. "Wanna play?"

"Not with him, no," Nate replied quietly. "You go ahead. I'm good here."

Jason's stomach twisted unpleasantly, but he nodded. What else could he do? "I'll see you around."

The next Saturday, Jason got to the park at his usual time, but he didn't see Nate anywhere. The Saturday after that, Mary wanted to go out, and Jason agreed. He didn't have anything better to do since Nate apparently wasn't interested in meeting up anymore. Part of Jason was glad about that. Things had felt so awkward and wrong the last few times, and Jason knew most of it was probably his fault, but he couldn't help feeling relieved that it was over. It was one less thing to worry about, one less piece of evidence that he was ever queer. Jason was good with that.

oOo  
Nate walked into the house and closed the door behind him. Normally he'd have snuck in through his window, but he was hungry and he couldn't really bring himself to care that he'd have to pass his father on the way though the living room. He had just come from the park where Jason hadn't showed up, he was probably with Mary. Nate walked past his father who hadn't even noticed him come into the house; he was too busy squinting one eye so he could see the writing on whatever paper he was looking at.

"Nathan!" He shouted as Nate was pulling the loaf of bread out of the cupboard.

"What?" Nate asked, not caring anymore as he pulled two slices out of the bag. A moment later Augustus had grabbed his shoulder, spun him around and pressed him back against the counter. Nate hissed at the fresh pain flaring in his chest. "Get off of me!" Nate shouted and gave him a light shove.

"Look at this." Augustus growled and held a piece of paper close to Nate's face. "Look at the number on there."

Nate snatched the paper and looked at the electric bill. "You didn't pay the bill," he said and tossed the paper on the counter. He turned around and started making his sandwich.

"I paid the bill you ungrateful little bastard! It's your goddamned window that's raising the bill. You were supposed to fix it."

Nate turned and stared at his father, making him stagger back a step, most likely because of the fast movement. "Yeah? What the fuck am I supposed to fix it with asshole? Duct tape and chewing gum? You're little story about my allowance was just that, a story. I haven't gotten an allowance in my life."

"Watch your tone mister or I'll-"

"You'll what? Beat me? Knock me around a little bit? Fuck my mother real hard? Maybe you should lay off the booze old man, you don't scare me anymore."

"No?" Augustus asked taking a step closer to Nate. "I bet I scare your boyfriend. Isn't that why he moved away? Maybe I should just take a stroll over to his new house and take the cost of the window out of his ass."

That was what it took. After all the years that Nate had put up with being smacked and pushed and hurt, the last straw was when his father threatened Jason. "You won't touch him!" Nate shouted as he lunged forward, his fist connecting with his father's cheek bone. Augustus staggered back, lost his footing and fell back against the refrigerator. The pain in Nate's knuckles was bad, but he ignored it as the red haze filled his vision and he leapt onto his father and hit him again and again.

"Nathan Dade Stackhouse!" He barely registered his mother's voice and only realized that she was home when he felt her hands on his shoulders dragging him off his father. Nate twisted out of her grip and fled to his room. He was angrier than he'd ever been, he could barely see, and the next thing he knew there were red and blue lights flashing on the walls of his bedroom.

oOo  
"Dude, did you hear what happened to your boyfriend?" Michael asked Jason as he stood with his friends by the edge of the court, waiting for it to be free.

"He's not my boyfriend, moron," Jason answered. "What happened?"

"Stackhouse got arrested," Dean supplied. "Apparently he tried to stab his old man or something."

"What?" Jason stared at Dean in shock. "When did this happen?"

"Last Saturday. You and Mary were out."

Jason felt like he might throw up. "Jesus," he breathed. "He actually tried to kill his dad?"

"Yeah, that's what I heard too," Michael answered. "How wrong is that, anyway? It's pathetic."

"You complain about your dad all the time," Scott jumped into the conversation.

Michael shoved at him. "Of course I do but I'd never try to _kill_ them. Stackhouse is fucked up."

That seemed to be the general consensus of the group, who then moved onto another topic, but Jason was still reeling. Nate was arrested? Where was he now? How would Jason find him? Did he even _want_ to find him?

Jason was distracted during the whole game and was quick to leave afterwards. He had to see if he could find something out. When he got home he dug through the old newspapers, looking for Sunday's police report. Nate was a minor, so of course his name wouldn't be mentioned, but it would list the address as a domestic disturbance, wouldn't it?

At last, Jason found it. It was just two small lines, and all it really said was exactly what Jason thought it would; domestic disturbance, arrest, and the street where Nate lived. "Holy shit," Jason sighed as he sat back in his chair. Nate's dad had probably been pushing Nate around again, but how did that translate into Nate getting _arrested_? Jason had no idea, but he wanted to find out, if he could.

The lady who answered the phone at Juvie wasn't any help, that was for sure. She wouldn't give Jason any information and instead told him that if he wanted to know anything, he should go ask Nate's parents.

"Doesn't he get visits or anything?" Jason had asked desperately.

"You'd have to be on the approved list."

"Who approves the list?"

"The minor's parents."

Jason had hung up on her in disgust.

"What's wrong, baby?" Mom asked that night as Jason pushed the food around on his plate.

When Jason didn't answer, Jess spoke up. "Nate got arrested last weekend." Jason looked up at her, surprised. "I have friends at Nate's school too," Jess reminded him.

Jason's parents exchanged a look. "What was he arrested for?" Dad asked cautiously.

Jess shrugged. "The rumor mill is strong, but it blows everything out of proportion. There was some sort of fight, I think. Between Nate and his father."

"I can't get any information," Jason finally said. "Everyone I talk to says I need to ask Nate's parents. And that's not going to happen."

"I'm sorry, Jason," Mom sighed.

Jason nodded. "May I be excused?" When his mother agreed, Jason took his plate to the kitchen and then went to his room.  
oOo  
Nate looked out through the bars of his cell. He'd had a hearing, his parents had told the judge the same thing they'd told CPS; that Nate was supposed to fix the window and when Augustus had approached him about it, Nate had gone ballistic. It hadn't surprised Nate that the judge had believed his father. That was how it always worked. Augustus Ellenberger must have one very trust worthy face, Nate thought as he was lead out of the court room in hand cuffs. He supposed it wasn't terrible though, he was away from his parents, he was being fed and he'd even been seen by a doctor for his ribs.

"How long have your ribs been broken?" The doctor had asked.

"They're broken?" had been Nate's question. He'd just thought they were cracked. He supposed that explained why the pain had lasted so long.

The doctor had asked if he'd been taking any kind of pain killers for the pain and Nate had lied. He'd been prescribed Darvocet, pretty little pink pills that did absolutely nothing for the pain. But of course, while he was healing he'd had to be put on bed rest, which suited him just fine since that meant he didn't have to share a room with anyone. He just laid there on his bed, looking up at the bottom of the bed above him and thinking of what his life would be like if Jason's parents hadn't sent him away. Would they still be doing the things they had been doing? Would Jason still want to be his friend and kiss him and touch him? Would they have maybe done more than kissing over the summer? Nate didn't know and there was no way to tell. But his mind kept going back to the fact that Jason hadn't showed up at the park that day. He hadn't seen Jason in two weeks at that point so Jason had no idea what was going on. He more than likely knew since some of his new friends went to Nate's school, but he didn't know what had happened. Jason didn't know that Nate had been arrested for protecting him. Well, it'd felt like he was protecting Jason anyway. As soon as he'd been put into the cop car he realized that his father didn't have the slightest clue about where Jason lived, and he hated himself a little bit for taking that bait.

"Lights out!" The guard called and the lights started going off one florescent bulb at a time. Nate grunted and he pulled the blanket over him. He'd dream of Jason again, there was no doubt; that was all he dreamed about since he'd been locked up. He wondered if he'd see Jason again or if his parents would think that living across the park from a boy who had been arrested wasn't far enough. The last thing he thought about before falling asleep was the Transformer radios and their time capsule. If Jason never saw Nate again, would he still dig it up in nineteen years and read Nate's letter? He hoped he would, at least then Jason would know that Nate loved him.

oOo  
Over the next few weeks, Jason grilled nearly everyone he could find at school who was even rumored to have done time in Juvie. As best he could figure out, he estimated Nate would be in for a couple months, and probably be out before his birthday in the middle of December, as long as he followed the rules and kept up with his school work.

"It's not all that different from being at camp," Dean assured Jason. "You have classes, you get a dorm and usually a roommate. It's not like an actual jail or something."

Jason found that to be a huge relief, but he still worried about Nate all the time. He could see that a lot of his friends were drifting away from him, scared off by his single minded mission to find Nate, and he knew what that probably looked like to them. He couldn't make himself care. He was done, through with pretending to be something he wasn't. It had made him sacrifice the thing he'd cared most about in his life, and now he didn't know if he'd ever even see Nate again.

He knew he had to try though, so he marked the dates on his calendar when he thought Nate was probably going to be released. He'd just have to make sure he checked Nate's house on those days. Jess at least understood what Jason was planning, and she was quick to tell him she'd cover for him on those afternoons. Until it happened though, Jason had to deal with the uncertainty, had to deal with his guilt. He'd been Nate's only friend, Nate had told him so many times, and Jason had just tossed him to the side. He could have still been Nate's friend, Jason realized. He was straight, not a dick. Jason knew he'd never be able to take back how much he'd hurt Nate, but he had to at least try.

oOo

Nate hated Thursday's. That was when he was dragged out of his room, or the lunch room, or the yard and made to sit in a room with a shrink for an hour, or more if the doctor thought they were making good progress. Today she was asking about his dad again, and Nate hated talking about him.

"Tell me again about what happened the night your window was broken, Nathan?"

Nate glared at her, "I've asked you several times not to call me that."

"Why don't you like being called Nathan?"

"That's what _they_ call me. I prefer Nate, if you don't mind... I've said that before too."

"Of course, Nate. Now, what happened?"

Nate took a deep breath, it was finally starting to hurt a little less when he did that, and he went into the story again. He told her about Jason, and the radios, and how his dad had heard them talking.

The woman nodded and wrote on her note pad. "And the window?" she asked.

"He told CPS that I was supposed to fix it with my allowance, but I never got one. I couldn't fix the window."

"And that's why you beat him up?"

Nate sighed and shook his head. Talking to this woman was like listening to a recording, her questions were usually the same and his answers never changed. He supposed that was the point, they were trying to see if his story would change. "No," he said. "I beat him up because he threatened Jason."  
"And he was the boy from across the street?"

"Yeah, but he'd moved since then. I hadn't been thinking straight when he threatened Jason, if I had been, I'd have realized that he didn't know where Jason lived."

"What was it that he had said about Jason that set you off?"

"He said he'd go over there and take the cost of the window out of Jason's ass. Jason is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. I was born to a shitty woman who married an even shitter man. I've spent my life living in fear of the people I lived with. I didn't get breakfast, I didn't get lunch because mom wouldn't pay for lunches, and for dinner, while they sat in the living room eating steak and burgers in front of the TV, I sat in my bedroom with a sandwich, and sometimes I couldn't even eat that. I wasn't about to let them hurt the one person in my life that cared about me."

"Why had you never told Child Protective Services about the treatment you were receiving from your parents?" she asked as she wrote on her note pad.

"I did once. They took me out of the house for a total of twenty-four hours. But since the refrigerator was full and there was plenty of meat in the freezer and soup and vegetables in the cabinets, they put me right back in there. Dad was pissed, I couldn't sit down for a week. I know a lot of parents say they'll whip their kid until they can't sit for a week, but mine actually did. The next time CPS came out, I lied. I got a nice meal for dinner for being good. It was easier to lie since everyone would rather believe an adult than a snot nosed brat like me."

The rest of their hour was much the same; she asked her questions ad he gave his answers. He knew he was digging his own grave by telling the truth. He knew that once he was released he'd go back to his parents and they'd hear about all the stuff he talked about, and even though nothing happened, they'd still be pissed. He didn't care though, he was gaining weight from being fed three times a day, and even though it hurt his ribs, every time he got the chance he lifted the dumb bells that were in the rec room. He had just over three weeks until his release, and as odd as it may have been, he wasn't looking forward to that day. He hadn't seen his parents at all since he'd been arrested. And being in juvenile was better than being at home, he even had a friend. His name was Steve and Nate had been moved into his room halfway through his first month there. They ate together, lifted weights together, and told each other about their families. Nate told him about Jason and at first Steve had looked at him like he'd just turned blue, but after a moment he'd shrugged and told Nate that as long as he kept his hands to himself, they wouldn't have a problem. He thought he'd miss Steve when he was released, almost as much as he'd miss the hot meals.

—-

Nate stepped out through the gate and into the waiting area. He looked down at the ground when he saw his mother standing at the counter signing some papers.

"Oh, Nathan," she said sweetly and hugged him. He had to force himself not to flinch away from her, but he managed. He even wrapped his arms around her loosely and patted her back. "Your father and I have missed you so much. You've grown, look at how big you are."

Nate nodded and clutched his hand tighter around the small object Steve had given him. He didn't know what it was, he hadn't looked at it yet, but Steve had handed it to him with a smile and said "happy birthday." It was only the second birthday present he'd ever gotten.

Nate slid into the back seat of his mother's car, but he didn't open his hand. He didn't want to take the chance that she'd see whatever it was that Steve had given him. Instead, he just shoved his hand into the pocket of his jeans and let the small object slip from his fingers.

—-

Nate's mouth dropped open when they pulled up to the house and there was a moving truck parked out front. Mom ushered him into the house and ordered him to change his clothes, there was a fresh pair of jeans and a tee shirt laying across his bed and he put them on. Before he could say anything, his mother had his old clothes and was stuffing them into a bag.

"Wait," Nate said, but the look on her face made him recoil and look away.  
"That part of our lives is over, Nathan. We're starting fresh in New Hampshire."  
Nate looked up at her, his horror most likely written across his face. They were moving to another state and he couldn't even tell Jason about it. He pressed his lips together and nodded as she carried the bag and whatever his gift had been out of the room.

He was shoved into the back seat of the car again, but thankfully Augustus was driving the truck. Apparently it was cheaper to rent a moving truck than it was to hire one. Nate's bed had been left behind with the Transformer radio still shoved between the mattresses. He looked at the house across the street as they pulled away, he wasn't going to be there to dig up the capsule, and that made his eyes sting but he fought back the tears.

oOo  
On Nate's birthday, Jason walked across the park and down his old neighborhood street. His hands were freezing, but he just shoved them in his pockets and kept walking. Even if all he got to do was catch a glimpse of Nate, Jason would be able to relax. He'd let things get out of hand for so long that he wasn't sure if he could even get Nate to trust him again, but even if he couldn't, as long as he knew Nate was still around, he'd content himself with that.

Jason stopped in his tracks when he reached Nate's driveway. There was a padlock on the door and no tracks in the fresh snow. Nate's window was haphazardly boarded up and there was no hum of electricity coming from the house. Heart pounding, Jason made his way up to the living room window and peered inside. The room was barren.

"No," Jason whispered, quickly running around to the kitchen window. The kitchen was empty too, and so was Nate's parent's bedroom. They were gone, and Jason had no idea where they had went.

Heartbroken, Jason slid down the side of the house and sat in the snow. He'd lost Nate, what the hell was he supposed to do now?  
His legs felt like Jell-o when he finally managed to push himself off the ground. He couldn't believe he'd let Nate get away, he'd let someone in his life try to change him, and the person that got hurt was the one Jason cared about the most. Images of the last few months started flowing through his mind and it hurt him to realize how little time he'd spent with his best friend. Most of his memories since he got home we're of leaving Nate sitting somewhere in the park while Jason ran off to be someone he wasn't. His chest was aching by the time he got home and he knew it had nothing to do with the cold.  
"Jason, baby, you missed dinner sweetheart," Mom said as Jason took his boots off and sat them on the mat beside the door. "Is everything alright?"  
He didn't look at her; part of him blamed his parents more than anyone else. He knew they loved him, but they had moved him away from Nate, made sure it was just far enough to be in a different school, and they punished him for spending time with his friend. They'd sent him to his aunt and uncle knowing full well what she would do to him. "Sorry about dinner," he whispered brokenly as he walked past his mother.  
"Are you alright, Jason?"  
"I'm tired," he said and made his way up to his bedroom. He pulled the Transformer walkie talkie off the shelf and turned it on. He knew it was useless, but there was a small part of him that hoped that Nate hadn't gone too far. "Nate?" he whispered into the radio. After a moment he turned the radio off but he didn't put it away. He clutched the plastic radio to his chest as he lay down on the bed, his wet clothes still on and dampening his blanket. "I'm so sorry, Nate," he whispered as a small tear slid out of the corner of one eye. He'd betrayed his friend, the person he cared about most. He'd hurt Nate all because he didn't want to be called names, he wanted to be normal, to fit in. Now Nate was no longer there and Jason had no idea where he'd gone.  
"Jas?"  
Jason turned at the sound of his sister's voice. She came in and closed the door. They didn't always get along, but they were twins. When one of them was hurting they both were.  
"He's gone, Jess," Jason confided. "Nate's gone, I don't know where he went and I never let him know how I really felt about him."  
"Oh Jason," Jessica said and curled behind him on the bed, wrapping her arms around him. "He knew, I'm sure of it."  
"No, Jess, you didn't see how I treated him the last few weeks before his arrest. I didn't want him around because I was ashamed that I love another boy. I pushed him away, he needed me and I wasn't there. He probably hates me... I do," the last two words came out as a broken whimper.  
Jess didn't say anything, she just pulled him closer, seeming not to care that the seat of his Jeans was getting her wet, and supported him. He cried until his head hurt, his sister's arms never loosening their hold on him. Eventually, with a swollen face and hitching breaths Jason fell asleep.  
oOo

Nate's new room wasn't much different that his old one. The bed that had come with the house and was just as lumpy and uncomfortable, but he had a desk this time, which had also come with the house. It was a one story house; they'd never lived in a two story house, most likely because his father would kill himself falling drunkenly down the stairs. He was going to a new school, but the kids here were just the same as the kids in Saint Louis. But his parents were at least making an effort to seem like caring people. His home life still sucked as usual, but at least he had a new backpack and all the supplies he needed. He sat at his desk in study hall and pulled out his note book.

 _Dear Jason,_ he wrote.

 _I'm sorry I wasn't able to see you before we moved, but my parents were packed and loaded into the truck when I got home. I don't know what you may or may not have heard about what happened to me, but I'm sure your friends made it a lot worse than it actually was. I'm not going to tell you what exactly happened, because it was stupid on my part. But I'm sure you have guessed by now that things between my father and I got a little out of hand. I'm sorry, but I don't want you to think bad about me. I'm writing this letter and hoping that you still live in the same house, but I'm sure your parents moved you again. They wouldn't have known my family was going to move, and I'm not the kind of guy they want you hanging out with. I think maybe they're right, I'm not the kind of guy anyone should be hanging out with. I don't really bring anything into anyone's life but bad things. Although, now that we're probably never going to see one another again, I suppose I should tell you the truth. When you asked me if I was okay and I said I was, I lied. My ribs were broken. Dad didn't do it, but you don't need to know who did._

 _I just want to let you know that I miss you, Jason. I've missed you since your parents sent you away for the summer. I don't know what happened to you at your aunt and uncle's house, but whatever it was; I hope you can find a way to be happy again. If you get this letter, I want you to know that you're the best thing to ever happen to me, and I love you. Not like a friend, more than that. I'll miss you. Love, Nate. P.S. please don't forget about the time capsule, I know that we don't go to the same school anymore, and we don't even live in the same state anymore, but I'd still like you to dig it up and read my letter.  
P.P.S. The Transformer radio is still stuck under the mattress in my old room. If you can get in without getting in trouble, you can get it. Maybe you can use it with Mary._

Nate looked down at the paper and thought about ripping it up. He'd written some things that might make Jason upset, or sad or even angry. But the chances that Jason would actually get the letter were pretty slim, so he folded it and stuck it in an envelope. He slowly walked to the desk in the front of the room and asked Mr. Hershmen for a stamp and to his surprise, he got one. He addressed the letter to Jason Markham, but in the return address, instead of putting his name, he wrote Bumblebee above his new address. He slipped the envelope into his backpack; he passed a mailbox on his way home from school and he'd mail it. Maybe he'd get a reply in a couple of weeks, but he wasn't going to hold his breath.

oOo  
"Jason, there's mail for you," Mom told him a week later as Jason walked into the house. "I put it on your desk."

"Thanks," Jason replied quietly. Once his bag was tossed on his bed, Jason turned and looked at the envelope. The return name said, 'Bumblebee.'

Jason could feel his eyes burning by the time he was finished reading. He wanted to call, wanted to make his parents drive him up there, but he knew that wouldn't happen.

 _Nate,_

 _I'm so sorry I hurt you. I was an unbelievable idiot._ Jason wrote, trying to put his thoughts into some sort of order. _I was told some stupid things last summer, things that I believed, and because of it I threw away the most important thing I had: your friendship. I'll never forgive myself for that. I broke my promises to you and I wasn't there when you needed me._

 _When I found out you'd been arrested, I did everything I could to try to find you, to get in contact with you, but no one would help me. I went over to your house on your birthday, but you were already gone. I'm so relieved to get your letter though. At least now I know you're still out there._

 _As for your ribs, Nate I don't even know what to say. My so-called friends did that to you and I would kick all their asses for it. But that wouldn't change what they did to you and it wouldn't change that I didn't even try to press for details when I saw you._

 _I had no idea what I was throwing away until you were gone, and I hate what I became over the summer. I miss you so much it hurts. You said that you love me, and I just want to make sure that you know that I love you too. I lost sight of that for a while, tried to change who I was, but I can't and I'd never want to try again. I hate that it took your parents forcing you out of state for me to understand this, but better late than never, I suppose. Somehow, I know we'll find each other again, even if it takes forever._

 _I would get the walkie talkie if I could, but it wouldn't be for anyone else to ever use. That was yours and mine._

Jason stopped writing after that, unsure what to say. Words had always come so easily for him and Nate, or at least they had until Jason had come back from his Aunt and Uncle's. He wanted to write more, but what could he say? Even the suggestion that he would use the walkie talkies to talk to a girlfriend he never really wanted hurt badly. That Nate even wrote it told Jason just how deeply he'd been hurt by Jason's betrayal. Finally he sighed and pressed his pen to the paper again.

 _I love you Nate. We'll see each other again._

 _Love, Jason_

oOo

Nate sat up and groaned as his back and ribs popped. His ribs were healed, but the doctor said he'd have pain in them for a long time to come. Nate supposed he was right, his ribs had been broken in early September, he'd started being treated for the breaks in mid September and released from juvenile in December, now it was April and they still hurt him. Of course, he supposed sleeping on the ground inside a small cave hadn't helped any. He'd found the cave one day after school; he hadn't wanted to go home so he wandered around in the forest behind their house for a few hours. It wasn't really a forest, but it was bigger than the grove of trees he and Jason used to play in. He told Jason about the trees and the cave in one of his letters, and Jason had replied saying he wished he was there to help him explore it. Nate wished he was there too, the cave was awesome, but it would be so much cooler if Jason was there.

Nate had skipped school on Friday, there was a big test in math class and he just didn't feel like being bothered with it. He knew he was going to fail anyway because of the time he spent in juvenile. So instead of taking tests and reading books and spending study hall writing letters, he'd spent the day wandering through the trees, and when the sun started to set, he just didn't go home. He had his backpack with him, but nothing in the way of a blanket, but that didn't matter. It was still pretty chilly in April, especially since they were so close to the river, but the mouth of the cave was facing away from the wind and when he pressed himself as far back as he could against the back wall, it was actually fairly warm. He'd slept there quite comfortably, and except for the dull ache in his lower back, he didn't feel any less rested than he did when he slept in his room.

It was raining when Nate crawled out of his cave. He thought that if he and Jason had a cave like that when they were together, they'd have pretended to be bears. The thought made him laugh and he growled as he stretched. He missed Jason so much it hurt. He hadn't written him a letter in about a week, well, the truth was that he _had_ written them, he just hadn't mailed them. Mr. Hershmen told him he was tired of being his post office, and hadn't given Nate any more stamps. He wondered what Jason thought about not getting any more letters.

—-

Nate walked through the rain with his backpack weighing down his shoulders. He stopped under the large umbrella on a hotdog stand.

"Hey, Nate," the blonde man with the thick Australian accent said as he pulled out a steaming dog and slapped it on a bun. "Want yer usual mate?"

"Yes please," Nate replied and watched as the man squeezed ketchup and mustard on the dog and then smothered it in relish and onions. "Thanks D."

Damien Sevior owned the rolling hotdog cart and he pushed it all over the city. Nate had met him in February; Damien was pushing his cart through the snow and Nate was sitting on the bench outside the dollar general store.

"Waitin' on the bus?" Damien had asked.

"No," Nate replied.

"They why are yeh sitting on the bench?"

"Just tired I guess."

"Ya don't look tired."

Nate had laughed, he'd only just met the man and he already liked him. "You're right. I don't want to go home."

"Me neither," Damien said and pulled out a hotdog. "What do yeh like on yer dog?"

"Oh I don't have any money."

"Didn't ask yeh fer any. What do yeh like on yer dog?"

Nate hadn't known what to say to that, so he told Damien that he didn't know. Damien had made him up what he called the Ferreh special. Nate ate three hotdogs and ended up telling Damien the story of his life. The man gave him another dog, and told Nate that he understood. His lover, Wes Ferreh was in Saint Louis, and they were trying to find a way to be together. That was why Damien sold hotdogs even in the winter. Nate thought the man was genius for putting skis on the cart's wheels.

Their friendship had grown from there, whenever Nate was hungry all he had to do was find Damien and he'd get his four dogs and Damien would buy him a soda. Nate wished he could tell Jason about his new friend, and he supposed he could always ask Damien for a stamp, but the man already gave him free food, he didn't want to ask for too much.

"What are yeh up to today, Nate?" Damien asked as Nate inhaled his dog and took the second from his friend.

"Nothing," Nate replied around a mouthful. "Just hanging out. Don't want to go home."

"Don't think I can blame yeh mate. I wish there was somethin' I could do ta help yeh."

"Nah, you do enough, D. Thank you." Nate smiled and gave the man a small wave before turning away.

"Don't want yer other two?" Damien called.

"I'll find you later," Nate called back and crossed the street.

—-

The sun was starting to set when Nate walked up onto his front porch. It was quiet in the house which wasn't unusual, except for the fact that his mom's car was in the drive way. Whenever mom was home, she and dad were always fighting, constantly at each other's throats. Nate took a deep breath and pushed the front door open.

"Oh my god," he gasped at the sight that met him. His mother was lying on a heap on the floor, a pool of blood spreading out around her head. His father was lying on the couch, his eyes were closed and he was covered in blood, the heavy glass ashtray held loosely in one hand.

Nate couldn't breathe; he couldn't hear anything but the tick of the clock in the kitchen. The blood was still moving across the floor so this had to have just happened. His heart was thumping heavy in his chest as his eyes fell on the long gash on the side of his father's forehead. 'They're going to think I did this,' he thought as he squatted down in front of the door. He quietly unzipped his backpack and began pulling out his books. He had to get out of here, there was no way the police would believe that he hadn't killed his mother.

Nate jerked when he heard the movement in front of him. He stood up and watched at his father as he started moving. He needed to go, he needed to turn around and run as fast as he could for a long as he could. But his legs wouldn't work. His brain was frozen with fear.

"Nath'n," Augustus said as he struggled to get off the couch.

The tears slid down Nate's cheeks as the man tightened his grip on the ashtray, but he still couldn't move, even as Augustus took a staggering step forward and raised the ashtray above his head.

oOo  
When the letters stopped, Jason didn't know why. He must have said something that upset Nate, but had no idea what that could have been. As more time went by, Jason started to worry that something had happened.

Jason's fears were confirmed one night while his father was watching the news. It had been a lazy Saturday; Mary had called a couple times but Jason hadn't talked to her. He supposed he should actually let her know that he didn't want to date her anymore, but he figured avoiding her would do the trick just as well. Mom was cooking dinner and Jason and Jess were both in the living room with Dad when Jason heard the name Ellenberger on the news.

He looked up from his book to see the TV showing an aerial view of a house.

"Neighbors called police to report a domestic disturbance, but by the time police arrived, the situation had ended tragically for Jaquoline Ellenberger. Augustus Ellenberger has been arrested on murder charges. Neighbors report that a teenager also lives in the house, but it appears he is missing. Police have stated that the investigation is ongoing, and they will release a statement later on today."

"Isn't that Nate's parent's names?" Jess asked, glancing at Jason.

Jason nodded silently, still staring at the news, which had moved on to the weather. He felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. If anything had happened to Nate, Jason wasn't sure what he would do. His body felt numb even as his blood surged with fear for his friend. He had to know more, but even when he snatched the remote away from his dad and flipped through the channels, none of the other news programs had anything to say about some murder in New Hampshire.

"Jason?" Dad spoke quietly when Jason had flipped through all the channels twice. Dad's voice was soft, and Jason felt his eyes burning. He dropped the remote beside him on the carpet and stared sightlessly at the TV. A moment later, he felt the comforting presence of his father beside him on the floor. Dad's arm slid around Jason's shoulders and Jason shook his head but didn't fight. He could feel his chest tightening, could feel a sob clawing up his throat. "Jason, I'm sure he's okay," Dad whispered.

Jason couldn't stop the broken noise he made as he let his father hold him close. "You don't know that," he finally got out. "No one knows where he is. The fucking reporters didn't even know for sure that a teenager lived in the house!"

"They'll find him," Dad said, his arms tightening around Jason. Jason felt like a little kid again, gathered halfway into his father's lap as he was, but he didn't want it to end. He desperately wanted to believe what Dad was saying, but he knew too much about the situation, knew too much about Augustus Ellenberger.

"Nate's dad," Jason's voice was thick, but he didn't care; he had to make his father understand. "If Nate was home, he's," he couldn't make himself say it. "If Nate wasn't home then maybe he's found somewhere to stay."

"He tried to never be home," Dad pointed out. "Maybe he wasn't when this happened. I can't imagine Augustus was in any state of mind to hide a- to hide Nate."

Jason squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his face into his father's shoulder. The image of Nate lying dead in a field made Jason feel sick. Dad was right though; there was no reason to assume Nate was home. "Can we keep the news on?" he finally asked. "If they say anything else about Nate, I need to know."

oOo

They'd moved to New Hampshire in the middle of December, just before Nate turned 15, he'd run away from his father and his mother's dead body in early April when he was sixteen. He'd found Damien, asked for his other two hotdogs and for the next day's four to go. He'd given Damien the letters he'd written for Jason and asked him to mail them when he got the chance and D had promised. Of course he'd asked Nate what was going on, but Nate had only shaken his head and said he couldn't talk about it. Then he left, he walked away from Damien and his hotdog stand. He'd walked and walked and walked, he wanted to find Jason, but he had no idea how to get back there. He didn't know who might be looking for him, but he turned away from every police car that crossed his path. He walked mostly at night and stayed in the shadows most of the time. He ate what he could, which wasn't much. Quite a few times, he went into a grocery store and came back out with a box of crackers and a jar of peanut butter in his backpack.

Now it was September again, Nate was seventeen, and had crossed a few state lines, although he didn't know what state he was in now, and he decided to try something different. It had been almost a year, he wasn't in New Hampshire anymore, and if there had been anything on the news it had probably died down a long time ago. So Nate made his way over to the highway. He didn't know which way to go but he supposed it didn't matter as long as he didn't wind up back in New Hampshire. Standing on the side of the highway Nate raised his arm to the side and stuck out his thumb. What could it hurt to hitch a ride from a stranger? In some cases, strangers had been better to him than his parents had, and he figured that life couldn't get much worse than it was at the moment. And maybe, moving a little faster than his feet could carry him, he might just be able to find his way back to Jason.

oOo  
As Nate's Missing Person case wore on into months, Jason kept every scrap of news he could find, but it wasn't much, and became even less as the case went cold without any new evidence. By the time Jason turned seventeen, almost a year after Nate went missing, Jason finally had to admit to himself that Nate was probably never going to be found.

When Jason found himself in counseling for depression over the summer, he realized that he had to find a way to move on. His parents were worried about him, Jess was worried about him, and Jason was back to only having a few friends at school. He didn't care though; the friends he had were good ones, mostly. They didn't care that Jason kissed boys and that he had a scrapbook full of articles about the murder and about an ex's missing persons case.

Well, one friend cared. Every time Marcus came into Jason's room, he shoved the scrapbook into a drawer before pulling Jason down onto the bed and pinning him while they kissed. "Let it go," Marcus told him. "You're not his anymore."

With Marcus pressed against him, Jason couldn't really argue, but after, when Marcus was gone, Jason pulled the scrapbook back out and flipped through it, wondering if Nate was still alive and out there, somewhere.

After Marcus came along, Jason had a lot less free time to spend thinking about Nate. Marcus always had plans for them, always wanted Jason to hang out with him, and Jason couldn't find any reason to say no.

When the body was found, Jason barely left the living room TV for the entire weekend. The autopsy and identification process was ongoing, but it was difficult as Nate had no remotely current dental records and the only photograph the police had was the one Jason had sent them early on in the case.

The body had been found in a marsh, decayed and eaten by fish and animals. Jason wanted to puke every time he thought about it. The coroner wasn't giving much of anything out yet, except that the body was that of a male, 15-20 years old.

Nothing conclusive had happened by Monday and Jason's parents, while they sympathized with Jason, made him go to school.

"Where the hell were you all weekend?" Marcus asked as he threw his arm around Jason's shoulders and pulled him close. "We had plans, remember? You can't just blow me off and not call."

"They found a body," Jason told him. "They're working on identifying it, but it might be Nate."

"Don't tell me you sat and stared at the news all weekend," Marcus sighed.

"Of course I did," Jason replied as they walked along. Marcus' arm was still over his shoulders, a heavy, warm weight. "If they found something, I wanted to know."

"You're so young," Marcus chuckled. Jason wanted to remind him that they were only a year apart, but Marcus continued speaking. "They're going to take their sweet time about this. Nobody except you cares that Nate's gone. His dad offed the mom and may have offed Nate too, but he's not talking. There's no other family, no friends. Just you. If this is Nate, I'd be surprised if it even makes it to the news. No, they've got a whole list of missing kids, and they're just praying that the body has a family, some taxpaying family who will pay for a funeral."

"Oh," Jason swallowed hard. He could see the logic in Marcus' words even as his heart felt like ice in his chest.

"I'll see you at lunch," Marcus told him as they got to the lockers. He pressed Jason back against the cool metal and kissed him hard as the school bell rang.

"When are you gonna dump Marcus?" Jess asked that evening between bites of dessert.

"Why would I dump him?" Jason asked, busy stirring his chocolate and vanilla and strawberry ice cream all together.

"Because he's an asshole," Jess said in her best 'well DUH' tone.

"He's not," Jason glanced up at her. "He's a little abrupt, but he means well."

"Isn't this the same Marcus who..." Dad started, and Jess nodded.

"Yup," Jess answered.

Jason grimaced. "I like him, okay? And he's different now."

"I donno," Dad sighed. "Just be careful, okay?"

"Of course," Jason replied. "Did you see anything on the news today?"

"Jason you asked me that within two seconds of getting through the door," Dad replied. "I'm sorry, but I didn't hear anything."

"Okay. I'm gonna sit in the living room and do my homework if you don't mind. That way I can keep an eye on the news." Jason got up and took his bowl to the kitchen.  
oOo

The few people Nate rode with were pretty decent. They asked him where he was going and why, Nate usually made something up. He decided it wouldn't be a good idea to tell people that his father had killed his mother and tried to kill him and that he was running because the police thought he'd done it. So he usually told him that he was looking for work, or that he had family in some state or another. Most of the time his story was accepted and the subject was dropped. He never rode with anyone for too long, he usually let them take him into the next state or a few cities over before he thanked them and let them go on their way. He still didn't know what was happening as far as his mother's murder was concerned and he didn't want to take the chance that he'd give too much of himself away by talking too much. Was his description out there with the warning armed and dangerous? He didn't know and he wasn't willing to find out the hard way. So he'd take a ride, then he'd walk for a few weeks before he took another ride. He only knew where he was at any given time because he read the title of the papers whenever he'd pass the stand.

He was in West Virginia when he accepted a ride from a man in a green pick up. When asked where he was going and why, Nate told him that he was just looking for work. The man, Bill Haggardy was his name, told Nate that he had a farm in Ohio and that harvest season was coming up. He stayed with Bill from the end of September to the beginning of December. He helped the man get his crop in and Bill gave him a room and paid him at the end of every week. He hadn't wanted to let Nate leave in December, but Nate had stood still for long enough, he needed to keep moving. He still wanted to find Jason if he could.

In January he met a man named James Hatchet, who hired him to shovel driveways with him. It wasn't a company, just a guy with a truck that had a blade and a few snow shovels. Nate didn't care, James let him stay at his place, and he split their weekly earnings with Nate. It wasn't much, but it was enough to buy food.

He left James in February and hitched a ride with a woman who called herself Cookie. She took him to a man named Duke and when Duke looked at Nate he shrugged and said "why not?" The next thing Nate knew he was racking in the money like it was fresh grass clippings and all he had to do was suck dick, and fuck men he had never met before. The first time he did it, he thought he was going to throw up, but he closed his eyes as the thick cock pushed into his mouth again and again, and Jason's face slid smoothly into place. It was the face of a twelve year old boy, the boy Nate had ground his hips against until they both had to rush into the bathroom, but it was still Jason, and Nate came long before the man he was blowing.

He spent three months living in a house with ten women and Duke. He stayed in Duke's room and he sucked his cock and Duke fucked him. Duke called Nate his and threatened Cookie and Muffin and the other eight women all named after food that if they touched Nate, they'd have hell to pay. Nate actually liked Duke, he was a decent guy. But the time eventually came again where Nate felt like he'd sat still for too long. He told Duke at the end of April that he had to go; there was someone he needed to find. Duke had fucked him hard that night, Nate thought of Jason as he always did and suffered through. But on the morning of May first, Duke handed Nate his money and let him leave. He walked out into the May sunshine with a wallet full of money, a full belly and a heart that felt heavy once again. He found his way to the highway and started hitching again.

oOo  
When Jason arrived home the next afternoon, Dad looked up from his spot on the couch. "You got something in the mail today," he said with raised eyebrows. "I think you better take a look at it." He pointed toward the dining room and Jason hurried to see what it was.

A large envelope sat on the table, the word 'Bumblebee' written in the return address spot. Jason's heart pounded wildly as he ripped open the envelope. Three letters and a note fell out onto the table. Jason picked up the note with shaking hands.

 _Jason,_

 _I'm sorry I'm so late getting these to you. Nate asked me to send them ages ago but they kinda got lost in the shuffle. I haven't seen Nate in almost a year now, but I figured he'd still want you to have these._

 _-Damien_

Jason's heart sank a little as he read the spidery handwriting. The letters were old then. When he opened the first one, the penciled letters were smudged enough that it was hard to read. All three letters seemed to be written around the same time. One was the reply to Jason's last letter, the other two talked about Nate not being able to get any more stamps before going into the general happenings of Nate's life and his thoughts. Jason reread the letters over and over again, soaking up Nate's words and dying for more.

"Any news?" Dad asked from the doorway.

Jason sighed and looked up at him. "Not really. They're old letters. A guy Nate knew sent them to me. I guess it's good he had a friend there."

"I'm sorry, Jas," Dad sighed. "I was hoping it would be more than that."

—-

"So guess what," Marcus sat up and looked down at Jason, still naked and stretched out on his bed.

"What?" Jason asked, catching his breath.

"Graduation's in a few weeks," Marcus reached for his pants. "I think we're done."

"What do you mean, done?" Jason asked, sitting up and pulling the sheet into his lap. Marcus stood and slid his pants up his hips and fastened them.

"This. What did you think, Jason? That we were going to have some long distance relationship when I went off to college? You're a good lay, but I need to think about other things now."

"Oh," Jason looked down at his hands. "I hadn't thought about that."

"Well you still have a year of high school left so I'm not surprised," Marcus chuckled. "I'll see you around."

Jason watched him leave the room before he curled back into the bed. It smelled like sweat and sex, and Jason reeled, trying to make sense of what just happened. Had he really just been dumped? Jason supposed that now he knew what it felt like, but he was a little surprised to notice that it didn't hurt very bad.

By the time Jess came home from her friend's house and their parents were home from work, Jason had changed the bed sheets and removed all evidence of Marcus having been there. Jess poked her head into his room after dinner. "Not going out with Marcus?" she asked.

"No, we broke up," Jason flipped a page in the magazine he was reading.

"I'm sorry," Jess told him.

Jason just shrugged. "No big deal."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure," Jason laughed.

"Can I tell you about my day?" when Jason looked up at Jess, she was barely holding back a smile.

"Sure," Jason motioned her into the room.

She bounced over and sat on the bed. "Mark Hamilton asked me out to the prom," she giggled as she said it, and Jason smiled in amusement.

"The guy you've been staring at all year? He finally noticed you?" Jason poked his sister. "I donno, Jess, he may be a little slow..."

"Oh shut up," Jess laughed. "He's hot, and he's one of the small amount of guys that doesn't mind that my brother is gay." Jess had told Jason when he'd finally come out that she would never date anyone who had a problem with Jason. She'd stuck to it, and Jason loved her fiercely for it. He had the best sister in the world and he knew it.

"Well good, Jess," Jason smiled. "I'm happy for you."

"Now we just need to find you a date!"

"I donno, I doubt I'm going. The teachers look past it in the halls and whatever but at the prom? Do you think they'd really let me show up with some guy?"

"Who cares?" Jess waved her hand. "They can't be one way during the school year and different for one night."

Jason shrugged. "We'll see. I'm single, remember?"

"Well that won't last long."

Jason knew he should be suspicious of her for that comment, but he was too curious.

—-

Jason ended up not needing Jess' help to get a date. Three days later, Jason had met Devon. Devon was charming, hot as hell, and possessive. It made Jason feel special, wanted, and so he didn't argue when Devon told him they were going to skip the prom and just go for the prom night. He had friends from Jason's old school across the park, and there was going to be a party that night instead of the dance.

Jason told his parents he was going out that night with friends instead, and they didn't ask any other questions. They were both pretty preoccupied with helping Jess get ready for prom, but Jason didn't mind at all. The dress she'd chosen was beautiful, and when Mark Hamilton picked her up that night, Jason was pleased to see his jaw hit the floor when Jess had come in.

Devon honked the horn half an hour after Jess left, and Jason shouted good bye to his parents before he left the house and jogged down the drive. As soon as Jason was in the car, Devon kissed him deeply. "Ready?"

"Yeah," Jason smiled and reached for his smokes. As they drove around the park, Jason watched his cigarette smoke as the street lights hit it.

The rest of the school year passed in a blur for Jason, and then it was summer. Devon took up most of his free time and was against Jason getting a summer job, but Jason figured extra spending money would only help, so when he saw that the ice cream shop he and Nate used to go to all the time was hiring, Jason applied.

He liked working there; he got to learn how they made all the ice cream, and loved seeing all the people every day. Devon was sullen, but he took advantage of Jason's discount and was in at least a couple times every week.

By the time school started again, Jason was beginning to consider going to the same college as Devon. It would keep him in St. Louis, anyway, but as Jason and Jess started to talk about what they wanted to do with their lives, it became apparent that Jason wanted to do more than go to the local community college. Caltech was beckoning, and on a whim, Jason sent an application there.

When Devon found out, he was pissed. He yelled at Jason for almost half an hour by Jason's watch, then pulled Jason down on his squeaky bed. He fucked Jason hard, and all Jason could think about during was that he hoped like hell that Devon's parents didn't come home.

oOo

"Where you headed?" The guy asked as Nate slid into the passenger seat.

"Where ever you are," Nate replied.

"Alright then, that's easy enough. I'm Marcus."

"Nate," Nate replied as Marcus pulled the car back out into the busy highway traffic. "So where we going?"

"MSU," Marcus stated proudly. "I graduated high school about a month ago and I'm on my way to Minnesota State University on a football scholarship."

"Wow, congratulations."

"Thanks. I don't usually pick up hitch hikers, but I guess I was feeling generous today. I just broke up with my boyfriend a while back and maybe I'm looking for a new guy to talk to."

Nate nodded, he wasn't sure how to respond to that. "Well, go ahead and talk, I'm not going anywhere."

Marcus talked, and he talked, and it felt like Nate had been in the car for days instead of hours. Finally, Marcus pulled into a gas station and looked over at Nate.

"Got any money? You can fill the tank."

Nate looked at him for a long moment before shaking his head. He did have money, but the things Marcus had talked about made Nate realize that he didn't want to waste any more time with him. He'd talked about how he'd used his boyfriend, how he got what he wanted by making the guy feel tiny and worthless.

"How are you going to pay for the ride then you freeloader?" Marcus asked.

Nate smiled and cocked his head. The man had just spent the last several hours telling Nate how he basically used his dick to get what he wanted. Nate didn't see why he couldn't use Marcus' dick to get what he wanted. "Pull over there in the shadow and I'll blow you," he said.

Marcus' face lit up and he started the car. "This better be good, I just drove you into another state."

Nate nodded when Marcus put the car in park and slid his seat back. "Don't worry," he reached out and unzipped Marcus' pants. He slid the flavored condom on before Marcus could protest and then swallowed him down. Marcus was pulling the hair on the back of Nate's head and spitting strings of curses within a minute. Nate was sitting up and getting out of the car in less than five. He didn't even watch as Marcus pulled away, he just walked across the street into the all night diner that was there. He walked inside, sat at the counter and smiled at the man standing behind it. "I'm feeling like cherry pie," Nate said.

oOo

"Your advanced classes must be paying off," Dad chuckled when Jason got home from school. "You got three different acceptance letters today."

"You opened them?" Jason asked, surprised. His parents never opened his mail.

Dad laughed. "Mom did. She was too excited and couldn't wait."

Jason rolled his eyes as Mom rushed into the living room, waving papers about. "Caltech, MIT, _and_ Princeton! Jason this is wonderful!"

Jason felt his eyes go wide and he took the papers from Mom's hand. "Oh my god," he whispered, staring at the letter from Caltech. He knew that's where he wanted to go, hands down. He'd only applied to all the others as backup in case it hadn't worked out.

He still had a year of school left, but now he had a direction, a motivation for seeing it through. As he took the letters to his room, he realized that for the first time, he was happy Nate wasn't around. Telling Nate he'd be moving to California would have been heartbreaking. Of course he would have asked Nate to come with him, but what if he hadn't wanted to? Or if he'd already had plans? It was kind of a moot point really; Jason was pretty convinced that even if Nate was still alive, he was never going to see him again.

Marshall called him that evening, and Jason happily told him about the acceptance letter. "That's great," Marshall replied. "Want to go see a movie with me this weekend?"

Jason couldn't help his grin. "Yeah, that'd be great. I didn't know you liked guys."

"Closely guarded secret," Marshall told him. "See you tomorrow."

—-

"Marshall Sumner asked you out?" Jess stared at Jason across the dinner table.

"I know, right?" Jason laughed.

"That guy has a different girl like every week!"

Jason shrugged. "He said his gayness is a closely guarded secret, so maybe that's why."

"Did you tell him about Caltech?" Mom asked, worried.

Jason rolled his eyes. "I doubt it's going to be an issue, Mom."

Mom grimaced and turned back to her food. Jason watched her for a moment, trying to figure out what was bothering her. She'd assured him over and over again that his being gay didn't bother her, but she always looked like this when the topic of a boyfriend came up. "Mom?" he asked quietly.

She looked up and sighed. "I just worry about you getting hurt, Jason."

"I'm going into this with a very good idea of what a relationship with Marshall would entail," Jason said flatly. "I'm always safe, and yes, he knows I won't be staying here. It's not going to matter because I'm sure the relationship thing won't last that long. Which is great. I don't want to be in anything long term."

Mom and Dad exchanged a look, but his mother just nodded. "As long as you're safe then, I guess."

"So I've made up my mind what I want to study," Jess changed the subject and Jason was grateful for it.

"What?" Dad asked.

"Psychology. Out of everything I'm interested in, that keeps my attention the most. There's some really good schools for it in New York too."

"I don't know how I feel about you moving to New York fresh out of high school, Jess," Mom admitted.

"Mom! You have no problem with letting Jason move thousands of miles away across the country but me going to New York is a problem?" Jess glared, but their mother shook her head.

"New York is a big city, Jess, and the crime rate..."

"Jas is going to be right outside of LA!"

"It'll be fine, Mom, I'm sure," Jason butted in. "Jess knows how to take care of herself. You should have seen that guy she punched last month for being a little too forward. She knocked him out cold and he hasn't bothered her since."

Jess smirked at him as Mom's eyes widened. Jason thought she was probably realizing that she wasn't going to be able to change their minds.

oOo

Nate met Cam in Nebraska. He'd picked Nate up at another all night road side diner. They'd sat next to one another at the counter and just started talking. Cam had asked Nate where he was going and Nate had told him that he didn't have a place to be at any certain time and was just making his way around. He'd gotten good at making up new stories by that time; he'd been hitch hiking for two years and that wasn't counting the year he'd spent walking. Cam had invited him to his place in Kansas. He said there was a shit ton of work to be done on the farm and his mom could put him up for a while. Nate finally accepted after Cam spent almost half an hour bragging about how his mother had the best damn  
cooking in the state if not the country.

They started driving and at some point, Cam let it slip that his last name was Mitchell. Nate remembered Jason telling him that he'd met a boy named Cam Mitchell when he'd stayed with his aunt and uncle  
that summer.

"Just out of curiosity," Nate began a little awkwardly. "You wouldn't happen to know a guy named Jason Markham would you?"

Cam laughed, "I haven't heard that name in ages, but yeah. I met a guy named Jason Markham a few years ago. He and his twin sister came to Kansas to stay with their aunt and uncle one summer. Jason didn't seem too happy to be there, but he was a good kid. I taught him quite a bit about horses that summer. Do you know him?"

"Yeah," Nate said, happy to be getting at least some old news on his friend. "Well I did, we were friends before he came here to visit."

"But not when he came back?" Cam asked.

"Not so much. We were still friends, but he'd changed and even now I'm not sure why or even how, really. But he was a different kid when he came back."

"Yeah, summers away can do that sometimes." Cam pulled into a long driveway and Nate saw an older blonde headed woman waving when they got closer. "That's my mom, everyone just calls her Momma Mitchell but her name is Wendy. I'll let you decide what you want to call her."

"Okay," Nate said as he got out of the car and followed Cam over to the woman.

"Mom, this is Nate," Cam said. "He's going to help with the farm for a little while. I told him we'd give him a room and some of your famous cooking."

Mrs. Mitchell laughed and shook Nate's hand. "Welcome Nate, if Cam trusts you then I trust you too. Come on in, I have beef stew on the stove."

—-

Nate really liked Mrs. Mitchell, she was the kind of mother he wished he had. Cam was a grown man but he still kissed his mom on the cheek and told her he loved her before she went up to bed.

"Want a beer?" Cam asked as he pulled two silver cans out of the fridge.

"Sure," Nate said although he'd never tasted a beer in his life. He wasn't sure he'd like it, and the smell of it hit him in the face with about a hundred drunk daddy flashbacks, but he drank it down pretty quickly. It didn't take long for him to realize that he did, in fact, like beer. It made his head feel a little like a balloon, like the Vicodin had all those years ago. It was a feeling Nate hadn't even known he missed.

A few days later, Nate met the other two men that were going to be helping. It seemed that Momma needed more than help with the crops. She needed her barn painted, the roof mended and several other back breaking chores. Nate didn't mind though; David and Evan were good company and seeing them together made Nate feel happy in a way he hadn't since he was twelve years old. The two men were obviously in love, and it gave Nate a kind of hope that he couldn't really put a name to yet.  
David and Evan spent most of their time in the barn while Nate spent a lot of time with Cam. He wanted Cam to tell him everything about his summer with Jason. Some of Cam's details were a little fuzzy, but by the end of the first three weeks Nate had painted a picture of the part of Jason's life that he'd missed. He also realized that he hated Jason's aunt when Cam told him what Jason had told him about her calling Cam queer and how it was against God and nature. At least now he knew why Jason had changed; the woman had brainwashed him. Although, in the last few letters he'd gotten from Jason, which were still tucked safely in his backpack, it had seemed that Jason was slowly becoming his old self again, and Nate hoped that Jason was happy now.

By the end of July, David and Evan had introduced Nate to vodka, and he realized that the feeling he got from beer didn't hold a candle to what vodka did to him. He felt _good_ after a few shots, and Nate always had a bottle with him now. Cold vodka was better, but warm vodka got the job done just as well.  
September rolled around again, the repairs had all been made and Momma's farm looked beautiful, but it was time for Nate to get moving. Momma had actually cried when Nate told her he was leaving. He hugged her and kissed her cheek. He told her that his time with her and her family had been the best four months of his life, and then he shouldered his backpack and walked out of her house.

"Nate," Cam called as he hurried to catch up with him and Nate turned around. "Here, I found this last night and I thought you should have it." He held out a small rectangle and Nate took it, tears filling his eyes.

"Thank you, Cam," he said as he looked down at the picture.

"Jason showed it to me one day, and he forgot it when he left."

Nate smiled as he saw him and Jason smiling as they sat on the swings in the park. Jess had taken that picture, and now that it had been years since Nate had seen Jason's face, he loved her a little bit for it. "Thank you," he said again and hugged the man tightly.

"No problem. When you find him, tell him I said hi."

Nate nodded and promised that he would. He hugged Cam again and turned around and continued walking down the driveway.

oOo  
Mom and Dad made graduation into a huge party. They hired a caterer and everything. Jason and Jess made the rounds for a while before hiding in the kitchen and collapsing into chairs. Wes Ferreh, the head caterer, was happy to give them platefuls of treats and tell everyone he wasn't sure where they went.

Jess finally went back out to join the shrinking crowd, but Jason was hit by a wave of sadness as Nate entered his mind, and he stayed in the kitchen. "You look down," Wes observed as he came in with an empty tray. "What's wrong? This is your party, isn't it?"

Jason smiled sadly at him. "Yeah, but someone's missing from it. My friend Nate disappeared a few years back, and I was just thinking about him."

Wes' face lit up like a light had gone off. "The kid in New Hampshire, right?"

"Yeah," Jason gave him a confused look. "How do you know..."

"My partner Damien lived up there for a while. He used to talk about this kid, Nate, who he gave free hot dogs to because the kid's life sucked. And then he disappeared after asking D to mail some letters to a kid named Jason who lived in St. Louis." Wes sat down across the table from Jason. "I'm guessing that's you."

Jason smiled. "Thank Damien for sending those along, please. It was good to get them. Kinda like a small amount of closure."

Wes nodded. "I'll tell him." He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket and tapped them on the table. "Any place around here I can go to smoke?"

Jason nodded and got up. "There's a tree at the far end of the back yard. That's where I usually go. Come on."

A week and a lot of hugging and tearful goodbyes from his parents and Jess later, Jason's car was all packed up and he started driving towards California and the rest of his life.

—-

Caltech was _hard_. It kept Jason busy, but he still managed to find a little time for Victor, a guy in his computer sciences class. Victor introduced Jason to pot, and they spent many mellow evenings together until Jason's grades started slipping and Victor was arrested for trafficking and possession.

After that fiasco, Jason stuck with cigarettes for the most part, and tried to not get involved with anyone. That changed after mid terms were over and his friends took him out for a drink. Matt was sitting at the end of the bar and eyed Jason all night before finally making his move. He was a smooth talker, and Jason almost didn't realize what was happening before he was back at Matt's place. The sex was great, and Matt had places to be all day, so it didn't really get in the way of Jason's classes. If Matt was a little... demanding... in the evenings while Jason was trying to do his homework, well, he _had_ been at work all day, earning the rent that kept him and Jason in the apartment, so who was Jason to deny him?  
oOo

Years passed and Nate's life stayed the same. He made his way from state to state, hitching rides, and fucking for money. The vodka was a constant in his life now, and maybe that was why his rides were bad, more often than not. That didn't matter though, he never stayed with them for long, and he got what he wanted out of the deal.

When he was twenty years old, he'd met a man named Charlie who had promised to change Nate's world. He was skeptical when he took the thin rolled cigarette, but after a few hits, Charlie had proven himself. Nate stayed with him, they fucked almost every night, and Charlie kept the supply of pot coming, and that made Nate happy. A few months into their relationship, Charlie took Nate to a club where he met a guy named Hank. Hank handed Nate a pill and Nate took it without question. It didn't take long for Nate to feel like he was flying. The colored lights flashing all around him made his head spin as he ordered shot after shot of vodka.

He left Charlie a few weeks later and found himself making his way from city to city on foot, hitting every club he came across along the way. During his trek through Colorado, Nate escalated from pot to ecstasy, to acid and then to coke. Each new drug gave him a new feeling, and he wanted to experience them all. By the time his twenty first birthday rolled around, Nate had been high almost constantly for a year. He celebrated his birthday with a man named Frank. They fucked, they sucked, and they snorted. Nate left the next morning; he'd done all he could do in Colorado and it was time to see what the rest of the country had to offer.

oOo

Jason stayed in LA that summer, and when Matt dumped him and tossed all of Jason's things to the curb, Jason decided that it would be better if he had his own apartment. Albert came along next, and he moved in with Jason in less than two weeks. It was only after that that Jason found out Albert used, and by that point, Jason figured it didn't matter. Albert wasn't a different person just because Jason knew he did drugs. The only problem with Albert was that he always yelled at Jason when he came down from his high. He yelled and called Jason horrible names, but the sex was amazing, and he always held Jason close afterwards and told him he loved him.

When Albert moved on, Jason stared around his empty apartment and couldn't make himself stay in it. He hit the clubs, met up with his friends, and only went back to sleep. Just before school started up again, Jason met Tracey, and he fell for him almost right away. The man was sex walking and Jason found he would do anything to make Tracey smile.

"Honey, I'm home," Tracey laughed as he came into the apartment. Jason blinked up at him from his place on the couch, his brain still full of equations from his text book. He watched Tracey kick off his shoes and take off his coat before going into the kitchen. "What did you make for dinner?"

"What?" Jason called, confused. He hadn't realized he was supposed to make dinner. He'd only gotten home an hour ago from his late class and he'd hit the books right away. Rumors were flying about the test next week, and he knew he had to prepare as much as possible. "I didn't know you wanted me to make dinner."

"Well you're cooking is so much better than take-out," Tracey came back into the room, disappointment written all over his face. "I just thought it would be nice to come home to a home cooked meal we could share."

"Oh," Jason felt his face heat and he looked down. Why hadn't he thought of that? Jason was pretty positive he failed in the romance department, which was probably what had ruined him and Nate all those years ago. He felt a stab of pain in his chest as he thought of Nate, but then Tracey was in front of him.

"Don't worry about it, Jas," Tracey waved him off, but Jason could see how put out his was. "I'll call for Chinese food or something. You study."

"No," Jason put his books aside and got up. "I'll make something. We have food, we should use it, you know? It's okay, I can do this later."

Tracey's whole face lit up. "You sure? I don't want you to lose study time."

Jason smiled, his body warming at the pleasure on Tracey's face. "I'm sure. I'll figure something out for dinner."

Looking back on it, Jason knew Tracey was a manipulative bastard from the start, but he couldn't see it at the time. Tracey had started subtlety enough that Jason hadn't even noticed. By the time he did, he'd been trapped.

"Okay, no, stop that," Tracey snapped at him as he stopped thrusting. "Fuck, I hate it when you scratch me."

Jason eased up the grip he had on Tracey's shoulders with a wince. "Sorry," he whispered.

"If you can't keep your hands to yourself," Tracey started, and Jason stared up at him with wide eyes. "I'll only be able to take you on your hands and knees. And I don't want to do that. I like looking at you."

Jason wasn't sure how to react; a tiny pleased smile tugged at his lips even as he let his hands fall to his sides. "I'm sorry, I'll try to remember."

"You better," Tracey smirked at him before he moved again, and Jason groaned, his hands fisting hard in the sheets to keep from touching. "There," Tracey sighed. "That's better. Just, you know, keep it down a little because the porn sounds? They're really not doing it for me, and remember where your hands are."

Jason nodded, his face heating up, but he didn't want Tracey mad at him. He focused on keeping his mouth shut and on the warm sheets under his hands as Tracey kept moving. His thrusts felt harsher, more painful, but Jason knew it was just because he was out of the moment. He knew that was his own fault though, and he should be lucky that Tracey still wanted to keep going. Jason felt his dick soften between them, but he kept his legs wrapped around Tracey's hips until the other man was finished.

"Go get us a towel," Tracey sighed as he sprawled next to Jason on the bed.

Jason nodded and got up, taking a little longer than necessary in the bathroom so that he could say that he'd cleaned up in there. Tracey never asked though, so Jason figured he was safe. He didn't want Tracey disappointed that he hadn't come.

Jason never went into specifics when he talked to his sister and the subject of the latest boyfriend came up, but that didn't stop Jess from making the connections. "Jason, what the fuck are you doing with your life? This Tracey bastard has you so hard under his foot and if you're not careful you're going to find yourself losing Caltech."

"Jess, you're crazy," Jason sighed. "Tracey isn't like that. He cares about my classes and wants me to do well."

"Just the other week you were telling me that he made you stop and make dinner again. Or run to the store, or fuck you," Jess snapped.

"He hasn't _made_ me do anything!" Jason growled. "He's always concerned about my school work, but I want to do those things. I'm still getting all my work done on time."

"And you're losing sleep," Jess finished. "You're the one that called me at three in the morning because he was finally asleep and you couldn't focus on your research."

Jason winced. "Obviously this is a bad time for you, you must be PMSing or something, so I'm going to let you go. I'll talk to you later when you're not being a bitch."

"Jason!" Jess said sharply, but Jason hung up the phone.

One night, Tracey didn't come home. Jason called frantically, didn't sleep or go to classes the next day. He searched all of Tracey's favorite places to hang out, but no one had seen him. Jason didn't think he could handle this, what if Tracey had been hurt? What if there had been an accident or he'd been mugged? When Tracey showed up the next night, Jason was so relieved his knees felt weak. "Where were you?" he asked as he rushed toward his boyfriend. He wanted nothing more than to curl up with Tracey and never move again.

"Don't," Tracey snapped and Jason stopped in his tracks. "I just came back to get my stuff."

"What?" Jason breathed, his heart pounding. "What do you mean?"

"I met somebody else, Jason. Somebody better than you."

Jason felt like he'd been punched in the gut. "Oh."

Tracey laughed. "'Oh?' That's all you have to say? Jesus, Jason, you're pathetic. I don't know why I wasted all this time on you. Just go sit down with your fucking books and stay there, okay? I don't need you following me around like a stupid dog while I get my shit."

 **—-**

By the time junior year started, Jason felt like he was about to have a nervous breakdown. Was no one in the greater LA area good relationship material? Jason had all but given up on men entirely when he met John Sheppard in his aeronautics class. John was cute, funny, had a terrible laugh, and didn't try to push Jason around. Jason had to say it was a nice change and he enjoyed the evenings they spent working on their research papers and quizzing each other on upcoming exams.

"So if you don't mind me asking," John said one evening as Jason brought him a beer, "why are you living here alone?"

"What?" Jason laughed as he sat beside John on the couch. They were finished for the night but Jason had offered dinner and beer and John had happily accepted. "What kind of question is that? I'm living here alone because no one's living with me." Jason shrugged as John studied him. "I have to say it's probably a good thing. Even the ones who move in aren't interested in me for very long."

"I can't imagine any sane man not being interested in you," John told him quietly. Jason blushed and looked down. He wasn't sure how to respond to that, but when John touched Jason's hand, he looked up. John's hazel eyes were serious as he met Jason's gaze. "Seriously. I think you're an amazing guy, Jason. Those other men? They're all morons for letting you get away."

Jason swallowed hard. "In most cases I think I was lucky they let me, actually."

John's eyes widened. "You don't have to worry about that with me. I've been told I'm not that much of an asshole."

Jason couldn't help but smile and he turned his hand over so his fingers could slip in between John's. "I doubt I'd worry about you much."

Jason watched John's eyes soften and then he leaned in and kissed Jason gently. Jason closed his eyes and savored the light touch. When John pulled away, Jason squeezed his hand and leaned closer, bringing their mouths back together and allowing them to slowly begin to explore each other.

They dated for months before Jason finally realized John wasn't going to demand to move in. When Jason asked, John got a goofy look on his face that made Jason's heart pound happily. It felt good to come home, and it felt good to wake up next to a man who truly cared for him every day. As the months passed, Jason realized that he felt content, happy with where he was in his life and who he was with. There was no doubt, no tiny voice of fear or pain in his heart. All the things Tracey had done to Jason John patiently undid, building Jason's confidence back up.

The sex ended up a bit of a surprise.

"You want me to what?" Jason asked, sitting back between John's spread knees. Below him, John panted, his cock, still wet from Jason's mouth, lay thick and hard against his hip.

"Fuck me," John smiled up at him. "I want you to fuck me, Jason."

Jason stared and he was sure he looked like a deer in the headlights. "I've never... I'm not..."

"You've never topped?" John was grinning now, but he wasn't laughing at Jason. "Jesus, Jas, you don't know what you're missing."

Jason couldn't deny that the thought appealed to him. The idea of sinking into John's tight heat made his hard dick twitch. "I'm worried I'll do something wrong," he finally admitted. He knew what to do; it had certainly been done to him loads of times before, so he got the concept.

"I'll talk you through it if you need, but honestly I don't think it'll be a problem," John sat up and kissed Jason deeply before reaching for the lube on the bedside table. With a smile, he handed the lube to Jason and laid back against the sheets. "I really want to feel you inside me, Jas. You're so hot."

Jason nodded and lubed up three fingers. "I want that too," he told John as he slid a slick finger behind John's balls. John groaned and hitched his hips up a little, his legs spreading a little wider to give Jason more room.

Preparing John left Jason almost crazy to sink into him and John reacted beautifully, moaning and writhing, hips moving of their own accord as Jason twisted the three fingers he'd worked inside. "God, Jason, please, I'm ready, please fuck me," John pleaded.

When Jason did sink inside him, sparks went off behind his eyes and he had to pause and breathe before he came way too early. John clenched around him and Jason moaned. "So good," he whispered.

They curled together in the sweat and slick and damp sheets for a while afterward, neither of them inclined to be the first to move. "Heh, I popped your cherry," John snickered.

Jason poked him in the ribs half heartedly. "Only sort of. I was far from being a virgin."

"I know, but still," John grinned and kissed Jason lazily.

That November, when it became obvious that John wasn't planning on seeing his family during break, Jason invited him back to St. Louis. Jess and their parents welcomed John with open arms, and Jason picked up on the relief they were feeling. "I'm so glad you've found such a nice man," Mom told Jason late that night, after John had gone to bed. Jason blushed, knowing full well that his string of boyfriends had so far all been bad apples. John was different though, and Jason thought that maybe he could do this.

oOo

Nate groaned as the needle slid into his arm. He pushed the plunger and laid back on the bed and waited for the colors of the world to run just enough to make it look like a happy place. He was in North Dakota now, and he'd been with Jacob for almost six months. It was another party night and Nate usually spent the first half of those nights in his and Jacob's bedroom. It was easier to get high when he was alone; he didn't have as many faces crowding him, there weren't any eyes staring at him and begging for their share of his shot.

He lay there and stared at the ceiling, the light from the pink neon sign that advertized the club they lived above flashing on the walls of the dim room. He watched as the shadows moved and danced, morphing into shapes he recognized. An eagle flew out of the shadow of the closet door, then a butterfly escaped the shadow of Jacob's bird cage. Then a man walked out of the shadow of the coat rack and Nate watched as it moved closer and closer. His chest was aching with heartbreak, even as he began feeling the blood flowing through his veins. Nate felt like he was floating when the door opened and Jason's head floated into view. "Jas?" Nate asked and sat up a little bit.

"Jas? Damn, baby, how much did you take? It's Jake, remember. Jacob."

Jason's face faded and morphed into Jacob's high cheekbones as the lights came on. "Damn, dude, you looked just like someone else for a minute," Nate said as he sat up completely.

"What are you doing sitting in here in the dark?" Jake asked, but before Nate could answer he continued speaking. "Come on out, the guys want to see you."

"See me? Okay," Nate agreed and got off the bed. The guys turned out to be Greg, Larry and Nathaniel, the usual three that ended up staying until the party was over and ended up passing out on the couch, chair and/or floor.

Jake put his hand on the small of Nate's back and prodded him forward into the small semi-circle the three men had created in the center of their living room. He went willingly, the colors in the room had softened around the edges and Nate felt light and loose.

"Mmm," Nathaniel hummed and reached out, touching Nate's chest.

Nate looked down at the hand on him; he'd forgotten that he didn't have a shirt on until the fingers brushed over one of his nipples, tickling lightly. He stepped back away from the hand, but Jake put his hand back on Nate's back, keeping him there.

"Isn't he gorgeous?" Larry asked and cupped Nate's ass.

Nate laughed and pushed Larry's hand away, he was uncomfortable even as he continued to feel the floating sensation. He tried to take another step back, but then there were arms wrapped around his waist and a large hand squeezing his cock. He grunted and saw Jake in front of him and then he turned his head and realized that the arms around him belonged to Greg.

"Quit," Nate said and pushed Greg's hand away. Greg moved his arms, threading them through Nate's elbows, pinning his arms as Nathaniel began working the drawstring of his sweatpants loose.

Nate's high fell away leaving him feeling heavy and afraid, "Jacob," he said as he captured his boyfriend in his gaze.

"No, Nate, it's hot. Let it happen, it'll be good," Jacob said and Nate watched as he pushed his pants down and took his cock into his hand.

Nate's heart was pounding, thumping hard against his ribcage. His head was spinning and his limbs felt like they were made of lead, and Nate couldn't get himself free of the other men's hands.

"Stop," Nate said as he was pushed toward the couch. He found himself face down on the rough fabric, his arms still pinned behind him as one of the other men in the room yanked his pants down, the material of the waistband rubbing painfully against his limp cock. "Jacob," Nate pleaded, turning his head so that he wasn't facing the back of the couch. That turned out to be a mistake because he saw not only that his boyfriend had gotten naked, but the two men that weren't holding his arms had as well. "Don't Jacob, don't do this, please."

A moment later Greg let go of his arms, but before Nate could fight back he felt hard plastic around his wrists and realized that Greg was a cop and had used a pair of zip cuffs on him. He struggled, feeling the muscles in his chest pulling tight as he tried to get away. Then he felt the dry head of a cock pressing firmly at his ass. He grunted as the pressure heightened and screamed when the man behind him thrust forward, not stopping until he was fully seated inside Nate's body. Nate felt a sharp spike of pain and knew he'd been torn when the thrusting in his ass began feeling slick.

He closed his eyes and looked for any escape possible but none came. He looked for Jason's face in his memory but it had abandoned him. Jason would never hurt him like this. The thrusting became harder and faster and Nate sobbed when he felt hot come burning his abused hole.

"My turn," someone said as the other man pulled out leaving Nate feeling loose and abused. He turned his head, facing the back of the couch once again as another cock filled him, renewing the burn and ache with the thicker dick.

"Jason," Nate whimpered just before his world faded to black.

The sun rose and woke him. He was sore and cold and after a moment he realized that he was lying on a flattened box in an alley. He sat up quickly, the pain in his ass spiking at the same time as the pain in his head. He rolled over onto his knees and puked as he remembered what had happened the night before. How Jacob's three friends had taken their turns with him before handing him over to Jacob.

Nate groaned and slowly got to his feet. His backpack was there and he carefully bent over to get it, it was open and Nate's heart sank as he looked inside. His money was gone, all but one hundred dollars that had managed to slip inside the torn liner. The three letters from Jason were still there though, and so was the picture he'd gotten from Cam. Out of whatever shred of humanity those men had, they'd put Nate's pants back on before dumping him in the ally like last week's garbage. He dug a shirt out of his bag and pulled it on, his shoulders and chest protesting every move he made. He felt a pull and snag and down at his wrists and saw the dried blood around the cuts from the zip cuffs as he struggled to get away from them, fresh blood was slowly seeping out of the small section he'd just reopened. Sighing, he put the bag on his shoulders and started walking. He knew something bad would happen if he'd stayed in one place for too long. He'd given Jacob six months of his life and this was what he had to show for it. It was past time for him to head on out. He found a public shower and grunted as he carefully washed the blood off his ass. He couldn't see it so he had no idea how much damage they'd done, but he could feel it, and he had no doubt that he'd be sore for a very long time. Once he was clean, he found a barber shop and broke the hundred dollar bill he had on a haircut. He decided to get a buzz cut, drastically different than the hair he normally had and liked, but he didn't want to feel like the same person anymore. Once that was done, he made his way toward the highway to catch another ride.

oOo  
Everything changed when Jason found John looking at houses just before the school year ended. "What's all this?" Jason asked, fingering the printouts that littered the desk.

John turned and grinned up at him. "I was thinking maybe we should move out of the apartment and get a house," he said, sliding his hands around Jason's hips and pulling him a little closer. "What do you say?"

"You mean," Jason started, staring wide eyed down at the house printouts, "buy a house, partners, long haul type thing?"

"Yeah," John nodded. He stood up and kissed Jason softly. "You don't have to decide now, but think about it, okay?"

"Sure," Jason replied. His heart was pounding and the urge to run was coursing through his veins.

After John was asleep, Jason took the phone out onto the apartment balcony and dialed Jess' number. He knew it was extremely early in the morning in New York, but he had to talk to her before he had a complete panic attack.

Jess almost growled when she picked up the phone, but Jason felt himself relax a little almost immediately. "This had better be important."

"Hey, Jess," Jason said.

"What's wrong?" Jess asked, sounding more alert already.

Jason took a deep breath and told her about John and his house hunt. By the time he finished, he was shaking. "I don't think I can do this," he finished.

There was a long pause before he heard Jess sigh. "Jason, are you insane? John is the best thing that ever happened to you! Don't give that up because of a little fear of commitment."

"Logically I know that," Jason groaned. "I don't think I can though. I was comfortable with the way things were. Why does he have to change it?"

"Because he's well adjusted?"

"Jess," Jason admonished, "you're supposed to be helping me here."

"I think you're looking for something you're never going to find, Jas," Jess replied quietly. "It's time to move on."

"Don't," Jason started, but Jess talked right over him.

"No, you need to hear this. Even if Nate is still alive and out there somewhere, it's been _years._ It's time to let it go."

Jason couldn't deal with this right now. "I'm sorry I woke you up," he said in a rush, "I'll call you later. Thanks for listening."

"Jason wait-" Jason turned off the phone and leaned against the balcony rail, looking out over the city lights.  
oOo

After Jacob, things headed south for Nate. He made his way down to Nebraska, and since he had to build his money back up he spent his time drinking, doing whatever drug he could manage to get his hands on and fucking whatever would pay him for his time. His ass didn't hurt anymore, but sometimes, when the fuck was too hard, it'd feel like things were being pulled too tight and Nate had to force himself to let it go on, not to stop the man from fucking him. He'd wake up in the morning and take a pill or a shot to forget the things he'd done the night before. By the time he had to go out and do them again, he was flying high and drunk to the gills. None of his clients seemed to mind because Nate was  
good at what he did; Cookie hadn't been wrong when she'd told him that he was learning from the best.

—-

Nate opened his eyes and looked up at the man standing above him. This was the first time he'd come across this particular kind of guy. The man wanted Nate on his knees all the time, he wanted to be called sir, and Nate had to ask permission before he could do anything, including take a piss. Duke had taught Nate that if he didn't want to turn down a client with a kink that made him uncomfortable, he should charge more. He was charging this guy a criminal rate by the hour, but he apparently had the money to spend. Nate spent almost two hours just kneeling on a cushion and staring at the floor while the guy watched a movie. It wasn't even porn, so Nate didn't know what the point was but he was being paid so he didn't care. During his two hours, he thought about Jason. It had been ten years since Nate had seen Jason. It had been in the park two Saturdays before he'd been arrested. They hadn't said much, Jason smoked and Nate picked at a thread on his jeans. Things had gone so bad for them, when they used to be so easy. It'd never taken thought when it came to what to say to Jason, but after that summer, it seemed like Jason couldn't speak more than three words at a time. Nate could say the same for himself, but at the time it had hurt to take even a shallow breath, talking was worse. He wondered what life would have been like if Jason hadn't gone to his aunt and uncle's for the summer. Or if Nate had just left the house instead of beating up Augustus. Or maybe if Nate's parents hadn't decided to move away before Nate could even see Jason. He wondered if Jason had gotten the Transformer walkie talkie from under the mattress. There were so many questions that didn't have answers, and no hope that they ever would. Nate was certain that Jason had moved by now, he was twenty three, just like Nate. What had he done with his life? He'd most likely gone to college and gotten a degree in something, he was probably working now at whatever he'd decided to do with his life. And he was either married or happily settled down, Nate was sure of it. Jason was a perfect person, he had to have gotten everything he wanted in life, and Nate was happy about that. But he still wanted to see him, he wanted to touch him one more time, and they only had about nine more years until they were due to dig up their time capsule.

"...Nathan."

The name caught Nate off guard and he jerked a little. He hadn't heard that name in seven years, and it brought back bad memories.

"That's my good boy," the man said as he ran his hand down the back of Nate's neck before he stood up and began unbuckling his belt. It wasn't Nate's fault that he jumped to his feet and punched the man who was touching the back of his neck. The situation became clear as soon as the man was sitting on the floor with a hand cupped over his nose. The blood seeping out between his fingers did nothing to calm Nate's racing mind as images of a blood soaked carpet flashed in his mind. He turned toward the door and fled, grabbing his money off the dresser as he left.

—-

He didn't sleep that night. Every time he closed his eyes he saw his mother's lifeless body and his father coming at him with the ash tray. He hadn't loved the woman Augustus murdered. He hadn't loved her since he was a tiny thing and hadn't known better, but she was his mother. She had helped to create him, and there was something inside him that hated what had happened to her. She might have been able to be a great woman if things had gone differently for her.

He hated the way his thoughts were going, he didn't want to mourn her, had hadn't even given her a second thought in the last seven years, so why was he sitting on the tattered chair in his cheap motel room with a bottle of vodka in one hand and a plate of cocaine lined out on the table beside him?  
He took another drink from the bottle and sniffed hard to get the residue of the coke out of his nose. He looked at the thin tube in his hand and then turned his head to the left and saw his reflection looking back at him from the mirror on the wall. The man in the mirror was too thin, with dark rings under his eyes and hair that looked ridiculously fluffy as it grew back from the second buzz cut he'd gotten a month ago. He wondered how this had become his life, and he was happy that Jason wasn't there. This wasn't the man he wanted Jason to remember. He took another drink before twisting the lid back onto the bottle. He shoved it into the small refrigerator and flopped down onto the bed. He didn't fall asleep, he slammed into it like a brick wall.


	2. Chapter 2

oOo  
After John, Jason felt himself slipping into a downward spiral, but he didn't know how to stop himself. Robert came along, and Jason spent four months absolutely miserable as everything he'd built back up around himself while John was there was systematically torn down. When he finally kicked Robert out, Jason looked around his trashed apartment and pressed his palm to his aching jaw.

Zach came next, and things seemed to be okay for a while. It took Jason nearly two months to realize that Zach had Jason eating out of his hand. Jason could do nothing without Zach's approval, and when Jason figured out that Zach was only allowing him to go to his classes as a _favor,_ Jason had had enough.

Zach was gone when Jason got back from getting his stitches.

When Jason graduated Caltech, his parents were there to see him, but Jason had never felt so alone in his life.

—-

Jason got accepted to MIT for graduate school and soon enough he'd ended the lease, packed his things, sold his car, and flew across the country. Maybe things would be better in Massachusetts, he thought as the plane landed. After a cab ride to his temporary housing on campus, Jason crashed through the jet lag, then started looking for an apartment.

Graduate school was even more time intensive than Caltech had been, and Jason was able to lose himself in the routine of classes, homework, research, passing out, and starting over again. The first year flew by so fast Jason felt windswept.

The second year, because Jason was apparently a masochist, he got a part time job in the aeronautics department for some extra spending money. He also met Nick. Jason came home every day so exhausted he didn't even care about the 'parties' Nick was throwing. White dust was thick in the air some nights and it made Jason feel woozy whenever he had to walk through it. Even in winter, Jason slept with the door closed and the window open on those nights.

Once Nick was gone, Jason cleaned until he felt like his arms were going to fall off. He was done with relationships, he swore to himself as he cleaned, and for the next year, Jason managed to keep his promise to himself.

As his final year loomed, Jason could feel the pressure building from all sides. There was so much to do, he had to get his thesis under control and work was insane and Jason just needed to decompress. Which is how he found himself at a gay bar and at the tender mercies of Andy. How Jason ended up taking him home was a mystery swallowed up by the alcohol, but there he was in bed with Jason. He didn't leave either. All day, Andy sat in front of the TV and yelled for Jason to get him things.

Andy lasted two weeks before Jason booted his useless ass out the door.

Jason went through two more guys before he finally graduated and, degree in hand, he went looking for a job.

Atlantis Enterprises, an aeronautical engineering firm based in LA, gave Jason the best offer, so it was back across the country again. Atlantis Enterprises helped with his relocation, and he ended up in a fairly nice apartment not that far away from where he would be working.  
oOo

He was tired, tired of all the time he spent in different cars, tired of walking all the time, and most of all, he was tired of winter. Over the last ten years Nate had managed to see almost every state in the US. He'd had a shot of vodka on the edge of the Grand Canyon and he'd shared a joint with the guys who reenacted the shoot out at the OK Corral. He shoved a needle into his arm as he watched the water fall over Niagra Falls. He'd looked at the rainbow shining through the mist and wondered what it would be like to live inside a rainbow. He'd dropped an empty bottle into a trashcan outside Ford's theatre. He dropped a ten strip of acid as he looked up as Roosevelt's giant head, and he wondered how the artist had been able to get such a huge sculpture so accurate. Then he realized that he didn't know what the fuck Roosevelt really looked like and the artist could have been completely wrong. Then he'd slowly backed away as the giant head blinked and smiled at him. He was paid almost seven hundred dollars by a man whose only dream was to be fucked in the torch of the Statue of Liberty. He'd seen almost every historic landmark in the United States of America, but there was still one place he hadn't gone. He wasn't sure how he'd managed to miss it when he'd been in all the surrounding states, but when he decided he was tired of winter, it was the only place he wanted to go. California. It wouldn't take him too long to get there, even if he didn't manage to get a ride. He was in Idaho and California wasn't that far away.

oOo  
Jason caught up with a few of his old Caltech friends, who poked at him to no end for going to MIT, but it was all good fun. They ended up at a bar, and before the night was through, Jason had met Ethan.

Ethan seemed completely normal, and Jason thought that maybe he'd finally caught a break. He'd been so lonely, and now he had someone to talk to, someone who understood, or at least listened and didn't roll his eyes. Three months later Ethan's lease came due and Jason suggested he move in.

Jason came home from work one day about a week later to find Ethan sprawled on the couch, following a fly around the room with his finger. "Hey, babe!" Ethan popped up off the couch, grinning. "There's a fly in here," he whispered, looking around, like maybe they fly would hear him ratting it out.

Jason's heart sank. "What did you take?"

"Hey," Ethan chuckled, holding his arms wide. "Me? Take something? Well you're right, I did take something. You should try it. It would loosen you up some."

"No thanks," Jason mumbled, stepping out of Ethan's reach. "I'm going to bed. You can join me once you're sober."

"Jason, come on," Ethan grinned and stopped him. "You're such a little pretentious shit, you could do with a little loosening up."

It got worse after that, Ethan calling him names and attempting to get him to try whatever the flavor of the week was. Jason resisted, though he smoked more cigarettes than normal, and he took to keeping the house fairly well stocked with vodka. It all came to a head one evening when Ethan slipped something into Jason's drink during one of Ethan's little 'parties.'

Jason had no idea at first, though he did remember thinking that he was getting drunker faster than normal. When the room slid sideways and Jason ended up on the floor, Jason knew something was very wrong. Ethan was laughing as Jason flailed, trying to get his arms and legs to work properly. "What did you do to me?" Jason shouted.

"Relax, babe," Ethan's grinning face swam into view above him. "It's all good."

Jason passed out soon after that, and when he woke up with a splitting head ache and an extremely fuzzy memory the next morning, he realized what had happened. "You drugged me!" Jason shouted, despite it feeling like his head was going to fall apart.

Ethan groaned and rolled over, slowly blinking his eyes open. "You needed to loosen up," he rasped dismissively. "Now shut up and get back in bed. I'll fuck you later."

Jason stood there, breathing hard and shaking, with no where for his anger to go. Ethan dismissed him so easily and Jason began to feel foolish for his reaction. Finally, he climbed back into the bed, and when Ethan rolled over and wrapped an arm around Jason, he curled close and pressed his face into Ethan's shoulder.

"We're going to the club," Ethan informed Jason a couple nights later. "You're driving."

Jason had just gotten home from a long and stressful day, but he nodded anyway. "Let me get changed first," he sighed.

"Hurry up, no one's gonna care to see you anyway, so no reason to get all dolled up or something," Ethan snickered.

Jason pulled off his clothes and quickly replaced them with tight black jeans and a black T. Sticking his wallet and his cigarettes in his pockets, he walked back out into the living room. "Okay," he said dully. "I'm ready."

oOo

Nate stood outside the Pegasus Club for a full fifteen minutes just watching the neon sign. He was mesmerized by the horse's wings flapping up and down as the lights flashed. Finally he pulled himself away from the sign and looked at the line. It wasn't the longest line he'd ever seen, but it was a fair length which let Nate know he found the place he wanted to be tonight. He hadn't been disappointed when he'd gotten to California. He'd made his way through some of the duller cities before he managed to find himself smack in the middle of party central, LA. Life had been one giant party after another for the last three months, sex, drugs and alcohol, Nate's three best friends.

Nate knew the routine pretty well by now, he found a break in the line and slipped in. When he got up to the attendant he leaned in close and made his proposition. A moment later, the guy was blocking off the line with a thick blue rope and leading Nate away, the sounds of the displeased would be patrons fading as they walked around the side of the building. Nate smiled and licked his lips as the man unzipped his pants and pushed them down to his thighs. Ten minutes later Nate was walking through the crowd inside the club, heading to the bar for a drink to wash the taste of spermicide out of his mouth.

"Excuse me, buddy," he said as he fell against a man two hours after blowing the club attendant for entry. "Crowd's crazy here." He ordered his vodka and turned away from the bar. There had been something familiar about the man he'd bumped in to, but he couldn't think too hard on it. He had a new mission now, he needed something new.

oOo  
The club was loud and miserable. Ethan disappeared right away into the crowd, and Jason made his way over to the bar. There was an empty stool which he quickly claimed as his own. "Vodka and Sprite," he told the bartender before he lit up. Jason opened a tab and nursed his drink. He was driving, so he'd have one and then switch to soda. Jason tried to tune out the club as much as he could, but it was hard as people jostled around him, taking their turn at the bar.

"Excuse me, buddy," somebody said as he fell against Jason's side. "Crowd's crazy here."

Jason glanced at the guy. He sounded vaguely familiar, but it was hard to get a good look at him in the pulsing light. The guy ordered a vodka, and then vanished into the crowd.

Jason soon forgot all about him. It was getting late; he had to work the next day. Turning, Jason scanned the crowd, looking for Ethan. He finally spotted him leaning against the far wall, talking with some guy. Jason shook his head and put his empty soda glass on the bar. Ethan was dealing tonight, which meant he wouldn't be ready to go for a long time.

oOo

"You look like someone I could be friends with."

"Huh?" Nate turned around at the unfamiliar voice. He could tell right away that this was the man he'd been looking for all night. "I think I might be."

"You looking for anything specific?"

Nate shrugged and leaned against the wall, he had to have had at least a pint of vodka by now. "That depends," he said.

"On what?" the man asked.

"What you got."

The man smiled and introduced himself as Ethan, then he led Nate over to a relatively quiet corner. After a moment the man produced a small vial of liquid and Nate reached out for it. "What are you willing to pay for this little slice of liquid heaven?" Ethan asked as he pulled the vial out of Nate's reach.  
"What do you want for it?" Nate asked and a few minutes and an exchange of goods later, Nate was slipping into one of the bathroom stalls with his prize. He pulled the hard black case out of his back pocket and opened a new needle. He could almost feel the drugs coursing through his veins, but he sat down on the toilet and waited until he could feel the effect before he got up and started fumbling with the lock on the door. He leaned against the door and squinted one eye as he reached for the tricky device. It didn't want to open, but Nate decided he was smarter than a door, and he didn't want to spend his entire high sitting in a bathroom stall.

oOo  
Jason slid off his bar stool and found his way to the bathrooms. As soon as he opened the door he was hit with the stink of piss, vomit, and sex, but he grimaced and went in anyway. He washed his hands after before catching sight of himself in the hazy mirror above the sink. "What the fuck am I doing with my life?" he asked his reflection quietly.

"The fuck is wrong with this god damn door?" A slurred voice shouted from the stall behind Jason. A second later there was a click and the door flew open and banged against the wall. A man toppled out of the stall and landed in a heap on the floor at Jason's feet with a shout. Almost immediately, the man started laughing, rolling onto his back and looking up at the ceiling.

Jason stared at him in complete shock. It couldn't be... "Nate?" Jason whispered.

The man's gaze slid from the ceiling and focused on Jason's face. "Huh?" the man giggled. "Do I know you?"

"Holy shit," Jason squatted down above Nate and stared at him hard. "Is that really you?"

"My name's Nate," Nate confirmed. His eyes were starting to glaze over, and a breath later, he'd passed out.

"Jesus," Jason stood and paced a tight circle around Nate before crouching down again and patting his face. "Come on, Nate, let's get you out of here."

"Hm?" Nate blinked at him and let Jason help him up. Jason took most of Nate's weight as he looped Nate's arm around his shoulder before slipping his own arm around Nate's waist.

Jason skirted the edges of the dancing crowd and finally made his way outside. Getting the car unlocked was difficult, since all Nate wanted to do was slither onto the pavement, but Jason managed to get him bundled into the back seat. He buckled him in quickly before getting into the driver seat and pulling away from the club.  
oOo

Nate opened his eyes to the sound of shouting, it was familiar and for a long time, he thought he was in his bedroom and in a little while he'd hear the sounds of violent sex. Then he remembered the horse's flapping wings, buying a new drug from a stranger and going into the bathroom. He sort of remembered falling out of the bathroom and the way his shoulder was hurting told him that the memory was real. Then there was a man, a man that Nate couldn't really even see at that point, but he'd been picked up and practically carried out of the club. He was on a couch, Nate became aware, and the voice shouting wasn't that of Augustus Ellenberger. Nate closed his eyes for another second before turning his head to the side.

There was a man standing there, shouting at someone about being left behind. The guy was pissed, and Nate supposed he would be too if he'd trusted someone enough to be his driver and the guy had left with someone from the bathroom. Then the man that had been staring at the floor lifted his head just a little. "Ethan, I'm sorry," he said "but-" he went silent and flinched when Ethan raised his hand. Then Nate finally got a good look at the man's face.

"Jason?" he whispered, and he could taste the acrid tang of bile in his mouth as Jason flinched again. Nate had never played sports in his life, and he'd never had to run for anything except getting away from his parents house, so he hadn't known he could move as fast as he did when it looked like Ethan was going to bring his fist down across Jason's face. He grabbed the man's raised arm and turned him around.

"I don't think so buddy," Nate said and he didn't even recognize his own voice. It was filled with hate for Ethan and anger at the years he'd spent searching for Jason only to find him being beaten down by an asshole like this.

"If it isn't my little drug addicted friend from Pegasus," Ethan said and turned back toward Jason. "This is who you left me stranded for? You're even more of a pathetic loser than I thought you were."  
Nate felt a fire in his gut and it was burning through him. He jerked the arm he still had in his fist and pulled Ethan away from Jason.

The first punch flew before Nate was even sure he was going to throw it. Ethan grunted and squinted at Nate before raising his fist. In that instant Nate remembered the way Augustus had threatened Jason. He heard his voice in his head telling Nate that he'd take it out of Jason's ass. He imagined what would have happened if Augustus had been able to follow through with the threat. Augustus seemed to be doing just that through this man, and Nate lost it. His vision turned red just as it had that day all those years ago, and his body moved on instinct, the instinct to protect the man he'd loved for the last fourteen years. By the time Nate came back to himself, Ethan had a broken nose and a couple of missing teeth, and there were a few bruises already forming. He stood up, grabbed the collar of Ethan's shirt and hauled him to his feet. He pushed the man toward the door, opened it and threw him through it and out into the hall.

"Piss off dipshit," Nate said and he slammed the door and locked the knob and the deadbolt. It took him several long moments before he felt calm enough to turn around and face Jason.

"Jason," he said, softly, "what the fuck are you doing with a guy like that?"

Before Jason could answer, Ethan began pounding on the door and shouting at the top of his lungs to be let back in. Nate leaned against the door as Jason picked up the phone.

oOo  
After the cops carted Ethan away, Jason shut the door and leaned against it, studying the man sitting on his couch. In the cool morning light, Nate looked much more like himself; his hair was longer and in need of a good washing, and he looked tanned and road weary, but it was definitely Nate.

"I can't believe it," Jason laughed hollowly. "It's been _ten years,_ and I find you way out here in California."

"Yeah," Nate agreed. He looked as shocked as Jason felt. "Uh, listen, I don't suppose I could use your shower?"

"Yeah," Jason shook his head and lead Nate to the bathroom. He pulled down a fresh towel and watched as Nate slid past him into the room. "Uh, if you drop your clothes outside the door I can put them in the wash," Jason suggested. "I can find something for you to put on."

"Sure," Nate replied. He shut the door, and Jason stood on the other side of it for a moment, still trying to wrap his mind around the fact that Nate was actually there, in his apartment.

As the water started running, Jason remembered that he was supposed to be at work. He called and told them that there was an emergency and he wouldn't be able to come in that day. They'd said not to worry and they'd see him tomorrow, so Jason hung up and went to find some clothes for Nate.

Nate was taking a shower in Jason's apartment. Jason sat on the living room couch, a pair of sweats and a T-shirt balled up in his hands as he stared into space. Nate, who Jason had been almost sure was dead, was _here._ He had to call Jess, had to call his folks.

"Jason?" Nate's voice made Jason jump, and he looked up to find Nate standing in front of him wearing nothing but a towel. Jason's eyes traveled over Nate's body, taking in just how very thin he was. Nate's inner arms spoke to a long history of shooting, and Jason's heart broke as he studied the needle marks. "Those for me?" Nate asked, pulling Jason out of his thoughts.

"Oh," Jason glanced down at the clothes in his hands. "Yeah, sorry." He handed the bundle to Nate, who shook out the sweats and pulled them on under his towel. He let the towel drop as he pulled the drawstring tight. The sweats didn't fit Nate very well because of how thin he was, but they worked for the time being. Nate didn't put on the shirt.

Jason swallowed hard and stood up. "Hungry?" he asked.

Nate nodded, his eyes tracking Jason's every move.

Jason felt like he was floating as he walked into the kitchen and pulled out eggs, cheese, tomatoes, and milk. It didn't take very long to whip up a couple omelets, and they ate in silence. Jason couldn't stop staring, and it seemed Nate couldn't either. Jason wanted to know everything, but what he really wanted was to touch, to wrap Nate in his arms and listen to his heart beat. He needed to feel Nate wrapped around him like they used to do when they were little. He needed to know that Nate really was there.

"So, I guess you probably want to know what happened to me," Nate finally said. He scrubbed a hand through his too long hair and sighed. "I'll tell you, but do you think maybe we could get some sleep first? I'm running on empty here."

"Of course," Jason shook his head to clear it and stood up. He put their dishes in the sink before walking back out into the living room. "Uh, where do you want to sleep?"

Nate held Jason's gaze for a breath before reaching out and taking Jason's hand. "You got a bed?"

"Yeah," Jason laughed, relived. He tugged Nate's hand and showed him to the bedroom. He found Nate a spare pair of boxers and tried not to watch as Nate changed into them, but it was difficult. He didn't want to let Nate out of his sight for even a second.

Jason stripped down to his own shorts and crawled into bed, Nate doing the same on the other side. They both scooted together at the same time, and Jason let out a long breath as his arms wrapped around Nate. "Fuck I missed you so much, Nate. I'm so sorry for-"

Nate kissed him softly before burying his face in Jason's neck. "I missed you too," he whispered, his breath and lips tickling Jason's skin. "We'll talk, but right now, I just want to be here, with you."

"Yeah," Jason agreed, burying his nose in Nate's damp hair. He smelled like Jason's shampoo and soap, but he also smelled like Nate, and something that Jason had forgotten was tight in his chest finally eased. Nate was here, and he was in Jason's arms, and Jason was never going to let him go again.

oOo

Nate woke up when the sun started peeking through the curtains. Snuggling in closer, he inhaled deeply and smiled, he was with Jason. His head resting on Jason's shoulder, Jason's arm was wrapped around him, his nose buried in Nate's hair. It felt like no time had passed at all, he smiled at the urge to listen for tires on the drive way or footsteps in the hall. But they were adults now, there was nothing stopping them from being together. He leaned in closer and pressed a light kiss to Jason's jaw.

"Mmm, morning," Jason mumbled and pulled Nate in closer.

"Sorry I woke you," Nate said but kissed his jaw again.

"S'ok, I don't want to be asleep while you're awake."

Finally, Nate rolled onto his back and Jason rolled onto his side and rested his head on Nate's shoulder. It was just like when they were kids, each motion triggering the next, as if they were connected. He sighed and looked around the room, it was still a little dim because of Jason's thick dark curtains, but the space between them let in just enough light to see by. There were things in the room that were undoubtedly Jason's, and then there were things that obviously belonged to Ethan.

"Hey," Nate said and Jason mumbled again. "Can we get rid of this stuff today?"

"What stuff?" Jason asked sleepily.

"All this stuff that isn't yours," Nate replied.

"Oh, yeah. I have a list of things to do today and getting rid of his stuff is one of them."

"You have a list of things to do when you break up with someone?"

"Yeah. Get rid of his stuff, change my number, all sorts of things."

"I see."

"It's best to sever all ties in these situations," Jason told him.

Nate sighed and kissed the top of Jason's head. He still couldn't believe where he was. It'd been thirteen years since he'd seen Jason and he'd been searching for him for the last ten. He hadn't given up hope of finding Jason; his heart wouldn't let him do that, but he had stopped expecting to find him. Once he'd resigned himself to the fact that California was likely not the place Jason would be, he just dropped right into his lap. He could hardly believe it, Jason was here, Nate was lying in his bed with Jason curled comfortably around him. It was as if they'd never been separated, things were easy again, it felt right. His search was finally over, his life was complete now.

"Oh by the way," Nate said after a moment. "Cam said hi."

"What?" Jason asked, lifting his head to look at Nate, his brow wrinkling a little.

Nate chuckled. "Cam Mitchell in Kansas, you know him right?"

Jason just stared at Nate for a second before nodding. "Yeah, I know him, but how do you?"

Nate turned onto his side and leaned in to kiss Jason softly on the corner of his mouth. "I met him a few years ago. I was sitting in a diner and he offered me a job."

"A job?" Jason asked as he scooted closer to Nate.

"Well, it wasn't exactly like that, but yeah. I was looking for a place to be and he and his mom put me up for about four months while I did some work on the farm."

"Oh," Jason said and nodded. He rested his elbow on the pillow and put his head in his hand, looking at Nate as if he expected more of the story.

Nate followed Jason's action, getting more comfortable on the bed and keeping his eyes on Jason. "He told me about your summer. I think I understand what changed in you that year."

Jason went a shade paler and looked away from Nate. "Yeah, sorry about that."

Nate reached out and turned Jason's head back toward him. "It wasn't your fault and I don't blame you. I never have."

"Maybe you should have," Jason replied, but he didn't try to turn away again.

"No, I shouldn't have." He kissed Jason again, this time directly on the mouth. He had Jason again and he didn't ever want to stop kissing him.

Jason took a deep breath and gave Nate a small smile. "So, what'd you think of Cam?"

Nate laughed, relieved that the subject had changed. "He's a good guy. He gave me..." Nate's mouth fell open and he sat up "Oh shit, my backpack."

"Backpack?" Jason asked sitting up as well.

"Yeah, I had a backpack. It had your letters and a picture in it... and a few other things. Did you happen to grab it?"

Jason shook his head. "No, I didn't know you had anything, I was focused on getting you out of there. Why'd you bring it to a club?"

"Because it had all my stuff in it," Nate replied as he scooted back and leaned against the headboard. His backpack was most likely gone, at least he'd had his money in his wallet this time All he'd lost were the letters, the picture, his unused needles and a bottle of vodka.

"Why not leave it at home though?" Jason asked.  
Nate shrugged, "you kind of have to have a home to leave things there. My backpack has been with me for the last ten years."

"You haven't had a home for ten years?" Jason asked as he laid down and rested his head in Nate's lap and looked up at him.

Nate ran his fingers through Jason's soft hair and shook his head. "No, not since I ran away after dad killed mom."

"What happened there? I heard about it on the news, everyone thought you were dead."

"Dead? They didn't think I did it?"

"No, was that why you ran?"

"Well yeah, they... they never believed me, remember?"

Jason looked sad as he reached up and took Nate's hand. He pressed a small kiss to Nate's palm and then held the hand to his chest. "Oh Nate," he sighed. "I'm so sorry. But I'm happy that you're alive. I... I never actually gave up hope that you were. I was waiting until they said they had found your body, not just 'a male age fifteen to twenty.'"

"Well, I would have been dead if I hadn't thrown my geometry book at my step-father. I never thought math was good for anything, guess I was wrong."

"I never liked your step-dad," Jason said and held Nate's hand tighter.

"Yeah, neither did I."

"What happened? I mean, you know, why'd he kill your mom?" He paused for a moment and then shook his head, "We don't have to talk about it."

"No it's okay," Nate shrugged. "I don't know, at that point I hadn't been home for nearly 24 hours. I just didn't go back home after school the day before. When I did finally go home, it had just happened. The blood was still coming out of her."

"Damn, Nate, I'm sorry you had to see that."

"Well, I don't think about it."

They were quiet for a while before Jason cleared his throat. "I saw it on the news. They were showing your house from above and saying that Augustus had killed her. They said you were missing and the case was ongoing, later that day they said you were presumed dead but that they were still looking. I watched the news every day. I made dad tape it while I was at school, I bought the news paper with my allowance and..." he blushed a little. "I kept a scrapbook of all the clippings I found. I still have it if you ever want to look at it."

"Yeah I don't think that's something I need to see," Nate replied and pressed a little firmer on Jason's head.

"I understand. I haven't looked at it in a long time either. But a few weeks later they found a body and they reported the clothes it was wearing. Nate, he had on the same Transformers shirt I gave you."

"Huh, I wondered what happened to that. I did laundry at the laundry mat once, but I went to the bathroom at one point and when I came out one of my dryers was empty. I thought it was just mom and dad's stuff they took."

"I was so worried. But I decided that there were a lot of those shirts made, so it didn't necessarily make the body... you."

"I'm sorry you went through that, Jas."

"God no, Nate. Don't ever apologize!" Jason sat up a little and turned so he could curl into Nate's side and pull him close. "I'm the one who's sorry, sorry that _you_ went thought that. You ran for ten years, Nate and you didn't even have to."

Nate sighed and started petting Jason's hair again. He loved the feel of it, he always had and he hadn't felt it in so long. "It's okay. Who knows if I'd be here now if I hadn't done that."

"I don't know, but I hate to think of all the things that could have happened to you... and all the things that probably _did_ happen to you. It's awful."

"Parts of it were bad, some were worse than others, but there were some good parts. I met some really great people, like Cam. It's just something I had to go through."

"I still don't like it. If it hadn't been for me-"

"Jason no!" Nate said firmly. "It's not your fault. None of it is your fault. You didn't do anything wrong so don't ever think that."

"I did do some things wrong, Nate, I wasn't there for you when you needed me."  
Nate sighed and pulled Jason closer. "It's okay, Jas, I'm alive and I'm here. We're together, we can do anything when we're together, remember?"

"I remember," Jason whispered and tucked in even closer to Nate.

"Besides, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right?"

Jason laughed lightly but Nate could still see the sadness in his eyes. "I'm sorry about your backpack, it's probably long gone by now."

Nate shrugged and continued petting Jason's hair. "Don't worry about it, the real you is much better than letters and a picture." He wanted to do so much more than pet and kiss, but he didn't know what all had changed over the last thirteen years so he'd wait for Jason to make that move.

oOo  
"So, don't take this the wrong way or anything," Jason said over lunch, "but are you clean?"

Nate looked up from his sandwich. "Uh, I don't know. I mean I've always been careful. Condoms and never sharing... but I've never been tested."

Jason nodded. "Okay, well I know a place that does free testing. I have to go get tested anyway. It's one of the tings on my post-breakup list."

Once they were dressed, they got in the car and Jason drove them down to the free clinic. It didn't take very long for the nurse to get the information she needed and draw their blood. The phlebotomist didn't even blink at Nate's arms. Jason figured that people who worked in a free clinic had probably seen it all.

Once that was done, Jason took Nate to a mall. "What are we doing here?" Nate asked as Jason parked.

"You need more than one set of clothes," Jason smiled at him. "This place has some pretty cool stores."

"I'm just going to need new ones again soon with you feeding me regularly," Nate chucked.

Jason smiled and kissed him. "We'll get some of them big."

Jason didn't even blink at the price of their selections as the cashier rung them up. He handed her his card and signed for it, then just helped Nate with the bags. Nate was oddly quiet as they walked back out to the car. "What?" Jason asked as they put the bags in the back seat.

"That was a lot of money," Nate sighed.

Jason smiled and pulled Nate in for a deep kiss. "You're more than worth it," he told him. He tugged on Nate's hair a little and smiled. "Your hair is shorter than I remember you liking it."

"Yeah, I went through a phase. I kept cutting it because a buzz cut is much easier to take care of when you don't have access to a shower on a regular basis." He kissed Jason again before they separated and got into the hot car.

By the time they got back to Jason's apartment, it was getting late. They watched a movie and ate popcorn on the couch, and Jason had never felt so good pressed next to someone. Once the movie was over, Jason sat up and grabbed his phone. "I just remembered that I haven't told Jess or my folks that you're alive," Jason said as he sat back into Nate's side.

"Would they care?" Nate asked.

Jason looked up at Nate and smiled sadly. "Of course they would." He kissed Nate before dialing Jess' number.

—-

Nate groaned and tried to pull Jason back into the bed the next morning. "Hey, Nate, gotta let me go."

"Why?" Nate mumbled. "Stay here with me."

"God I want to," Jason nuzzled Nate's jaw, "but I have to get up. Work today."

"Com'min back?" Nate asked, blinking up at Jason sleepily.

"Of course. I'll see you tonight."

"Okay."

oOo

Nate was laying on the couch watching Transformers when Jason came through the door. "Hey," he said happily. "I found one your old Transformer tapes, hope you don't mind."  
"No, of course not," Jason said as he picked up the remote control off the coffee table and stopped the show.

"Hey, I hadn't seen that episode," Nate protested.

"I um- I have the test results," Jason said and held up two official looking white envelopes. "They called me at work and I picked them up on the way home."

"Oh," Nate said and sat up. He hadn't been able to sleep very well over the last two weeks. He kept imagining the list of diseases he might have. He wouldn't let himself think of what that would mean for him and Jason if either of them ended up being sick. But now that the results were back, Nate was scared. "Have you looked at them yet?" he asked.

"No," Jason replied sounding a little insulted.

"Why not?"

"Because, Nate, this is your personal information, I wasn't going to look at it without your permission."

"But you're going to know anyway, I'm going to tell you."

"Just... Nate, take the envelope."

Nate took the envelope and it felt like the edges were sharp enough to slice him open.  
Jason sat down beside him and looked at his own envelope. "You read yours and I'll read mine and we'll tell each other. Okay?"

Nate sighed and turned the envelope over. "Okay."

"Alright, let's go."

They both started opening their results and as if rehearsed, they paused at the same moment for an identical amount of time before pulling out the papers.

Jason sighed. "I'm clean, you?"

Nate looked at his results and the letters looked large and bold, but all that mattered was a long list of 'negative's'. He smiled at Jason. "Yup. I'm clean too." They were quiet for a moment as they each actually read their results fully and then Nate looked up and saw Jason staring at him with a wide smile.

"What?" Nate asked, smiling back.

"Wanna?" Jason asked and raised an eyebrow.

Nate didn't answer. Instead he reached over and grabbed the front of Jason's shirt, pulling him down onto the couch to rest on top of him. Their mouths met immediately and the kiss was deep and messy.  
Nate ran his hands up Jason's back under his shirt. He pushed Jason away just enough the break the kiss.  
"I want you naked," he said, his voice breathy with want.

Jason didn't hesitate; he just pushed off the couch and started removing his clothes. Nate followed suit and after a moment they were naked and wrapped around each other as Nate led Jason to the bedroom.

"God, I've wanted this for so long," Jason sighed as Nate laid him gently back across the bed.

"Me too," Nate whispered as he stood and looked down at Jason's body. He'd imagined it thousands of times over the years, but now he was right there. Jason was lying in front of Nate and he was naked and waiting, his cock hard and leaking. Nate sighed and climbed onto the bed, straddling Jason's hips. He wanted to make this the best sexual experience of both of their lives. Leaning down, he captured Jason's mouth in another fierce kiss and Jason seemed to melt into the bed a little, moaning into Nate's mouth. Nate kissed across Jason's cheek and down his neck, sucking on his collar bone for a moment before moving further. Kissing down Jason's chest, Nate let his tongue slip between his lips, stealing little tastes of Jason's skin. He tasted like sweat and lust and just... Jason, and Nate never wanted the moment to end.

"Nate," Jason moaned as Nate closed his lips over Jason's nipple, brushing his teeth over the nub until it hardened. He sucked and licked and bit as Jason squirmed beneath him, saying Nate's name on each exhale as if reminding himself that it was Nate and not someone else.

"I could survive on you for a life time," Nate said as he moved back up to Jason's mouth. After a moment, he realized that Jason was just laying there. "I want you to touch me, Jason. Put your hands on me, I want to feel you."

Jason moaned and then Nate felt his hand roaming over his sides and back and it felt good, perfect, right.

Nate stayed there for a moment longer before sliding down Jason's body again, his tongue leaving a wet trail from Jason's chest to his stomach. Eventually he moved off of Jason and urged him to turn over onto his stomach which he did without protest. Nate slid over close and nuzzled Jason's ear as he ran his hand down Jason's back. "I've thought about you so much," he said as his finger brushed over the crack of Jason's ass and down between his legs. Jason moaned and lifted his hips a bit when Nate pressed lightly against his perineum. He kissed Jason's neck and then his shoulder, reaching down further to brush his fingers against Jason's balls.

Jason groaned as Nate kissed his way down Jason's spine. "I want you, Nate," he whispered brokenly.  
"You have me, Jason," Nate replied. "You always have." He moved between Jason's open legs, and Jason groaned when Nate pushed his ass cheeks apart and dipped his tongue between them.

"Nate," Jason breathed, "feels so good."

Nate didn't reply with words, instead he ran his tongue over Jason's hole before pressing it in and tasting Jason in a way he'd only ever dreamed about.

Jason writhed under him and moaned Nate's name again and again as Nate began thrusting his tongue in and out of Jason's ass. "Jesus, Nate, please. I need you."

Nate growled hungrily but lingered for a moment longer before pulling away and turning Jason over onto his back forcefully.

Jason's eyes widened but there was a smile on his face, so he dove in for another kiss and reached over to the night stand where he'd seen the tube of lube. He sat up and popped the lid off the sticky tube and grimaced a little. "We need a new tube of this," he said as he squeezed some of the gel onto his fingers. A moment later, Jason was writing again as Nate scissored his fingers inside him.

"I'm ready," Jason said after another moment and Nate took him at his word and grabbed a condom out of the nightstand, opened it and rolled it on.

"You're so beautiful," Nate whispered as he pushed Jason's legs apart and slipped between them.  
Jason blushed a little and looked away from Nate, but Nate put his hand on Jason's chin and turned his face back.

"Don't look away," Nate whispered and kissed Jason softly on the lips. "I want to see you."

"Okay," Jason replied with a soft smile and pulled his legs up around Nate's waist.

Nate pushed into Jason and immediately felt like he was going to explode. He'd done this more times than he could count but this was already a million times better than anything else he'd ever experienced. He looked down at Jason as he started thrusting and found Jason looking up at him, his pupils wide and dark. "Touch me," he said when he realized that Jason's hands were back at his sides, fisting the sheets so hard his knuckles were turning white. "Squeeze me, scratch me, whatever you want, I just want to feel your hands on my body."

He felt Jason's fingers gripping his biceps an instant later and he thrust harder and deeper into him. Jason's legs gripped Nate tighter and he began thrashing on the bed, shifting his weight downward, meeting Nate thrust for thrust. "Fuck," Nate said and bit his lip and he felt his orgasm approaching.  
"Nate," Jason grunted and pulled Nate down on top of him, kissing him hard and deep and Nate hissed in a breath as Jason's ass clamped down hard around his cock. The he felt the heat spreading between them and a moment later Nate was coming too. His muscles tightened and he shook through the ferocity of it before collapsing even further onto Jason.

"Fuck," he whispered and he gently pulled out and rolled off of Jason. He snuggled into Jason's side and kissed his neck. "Thirteen years..." he said as he leaned up and ran his finger through the still warm come on Jason's stomach. "That was thirteen years coming."

Jason laughed and looked over at Nate with a smile on his face. "Where'd you learn to do those things?" he asked and then blushed. "I mean, you know... that was... damn, Nate, that was amazing."

Nate smiled, happy that he'd pleased Jason so much. "It was you," he said after a short moment. "You're the one that made it amazing, Jason."

Jason smiled and kissed Nate before sitting up and pulling Nate with him. "We should take a shower before this dries."

"Aw," Nate protested but followed Jason to the bathroom anyway.

oOo  
"I've been here before," Nate told Jason as the plane started its decent over New York. "It's been a few years."

Jason smiled at him and squeezed his hand. "Jess is excited to see you." They both watched out their tiny window as the plane sank lower and lower towards the ground.

Jess and a man Jason hadn't met before were waiting in baggage claim for them. Jess ran up and hugged Jason as soon as she saw him. "Hi," she laughed and kissed Jason's cheek before letting him go and turning to Nate. Jason watched Jess look Nate up and down. "Wow," she chuckled. "I honestly didn't think I'd ever see you again."

"Surprise?" Nate gave her a slight smile, but then Jess was hugging him too.

"You must be Jason," the man who had been standing next to Jess came up and held out his hand for Jason to shake. "I'm Justin, Jess' boyfriend."

"Justin?" Jason echoed, but he smiled even as Justin's eyes narrowed. "Sorry, it's just funny when one of us ends up with someone with a 'J' name." Jason shook Justin's hand before turning and gesturing to Nate. "This is Nate, my boyfriend."

Once introductions were done, Jason and Nate picked up their bags from the carousel and followed Jess and Justin out to their car. "I'm thinking of ordering pizza or something for dinner, since it's kind of late," Jess told them as they walked up the apartment building's front steps. They took the elevator up to Jess' floor and Justin unlocked their door.

"Sounds good," Jason sighed as he walked into the apartment. "With the time difference we should try to get to bed early so we can kick the jet lag in the butt."

Nate and Justin kept laughing as they talked in the living room. Jason and Jess sat out on the balcony so Jason could smoke while they caught up and waited for the pizza to arrive. Jason glanced inside and watched Nate. He knew he had a goofy look on his face, but Jason was so happy to see Nate getting along with people easily now. It had always been so hard for Nate to make friends when he was young.

"You look happy," Jess told him.

"Hmm?" Jason turned to find Jess smiling at him. "Oh, yeah, I am. I found him, Jess, and I'd almost given up."

"Where did you find him?"

Jason told her the short version of finding Nate in the club and taking him home. He told her about getting them both tested, about how easily Nate was adjusting, about how Nate had started looking for a job. "I think this is going to work," Jason finished. "After everything he and I have both gone through, I think it's all finally going to be okay."

"I hope so, Jason," Jess told him. "Just, please be careful. Addicts don't change overnight."

The smile vanished from Jason's face and he looked away from Jess. "Nate can."

"I just don't want you to get hurt," Jess sighed.

"Nate would never hurt me," Jason suddenly felt like he was twelve years old again and arguing with his mother. "Jesus, Jess, you're just like Mom and Dad. They never trusted Nate either!"

"Jason I never said that! I just think that you might be in a little denial about Nate using. He certainly doesn't look like a guy that's going through withdrawal, does he?"

"Because he was never addicted!"

"Jason, you know better than that."

Jason lit another cigarette and rubbed a hand over his face. "I don't want to talk about this Jess."  
oOo

Nate sat on the couch and looked around at the empty living room. Everyone had gone to bed a while ago and he was left alone. He'd watched TV for a little while, but there wasn't anything good on. He looked at the clock on the wall and stood up; it wouldn't hurt anything if he took a little walk. Shoving Jason's key in his pocket, Nate left the apartment, locking the door behind him. There was something calming about walking around with his backpack weighing down his shoulders. He'd picked it up when Jason had bought him the clothes and when Jason had asked why he needed it, he'd said it was because he'd had a backpack for the last ten years. It wasn't a lie, he hadn't been without his backpack since he left the house that day and he didn't feel like himself without it. He chuckled when he realized that all he needed in life was Jason and apparently a backpack.

"Nate?"

Nate turned at the voice and saw Josh standing behind him. He smiled and reached his hand out to the man. He'd only been with him for a month before Josh had left him asleep in the hotel room. "Hey man, I wondered what happened to you."

Josh ducked his head and shrugged, "it was getting a little too hot for me," he said.

Nate remembered him saying that he never stayed in a relationship once he felt like saying the L word. Nate's eyes widened and he took a step back. "Oh," he said.

"No, it's cool," Josh said with a laugh. "We're good now."

"Good," Nate said and pulled the guy into a hug. "Because I found the man I was looking for."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I just kind of... well, I fell out of a bathroom stall and landed at his feet."

"That's romantic," Josh laughed.

"Isn't it though? We're here visiting his sister."

"That's great, I'm happy for you man." Josh looked around and then pulled a small bag out of his jacket pocket. "Wanna celebrate?"

Nate's eyes widened as he looked at the white powder and the thin tube in Josh's other hand. "Oh yeah," he replied and followed Josh to where ever he was staying.

The coke was good and Nate felt better. He hadn't even realized that he hadn't been comfortable with Jess constantly looking at him like he was about to turn into a monster and bite her. He supposed it was inherited from her parents, they'd never liked Nate either, but there was nothing any of them could do now. With the thought of Jason, Nate looked over at Josh who was lounging on the couch with a bag of Doritos and he wondered why the fuck he was with him instead of wrapped around Jason.  
"I should go," Nate said as he got up. "I don't want to be gone when Jason gets up."

"No problem man," Josh said as he got off the couch. "It was good seeing you again."

Nate hugged his old friend and left the house. It wasn't that far to Jess' place and he quietly slipped the key in and unlocked the door. He wanted to fall into bed with Jason and just drink in his presence.

oOo  
Jason woke up only a couple hours after he and Nate had gone to bed to find Nate gone. He'd worry more, but Nate had said he'd been to New York before. He probably had friends he'd gone to look up. "Jas?" Jess found Jason sitting on one of the balcony chairs. "You okay?"

"Yeah," Jason assured her. "Can't sleep."

"Where's Nate?"

Jason shrugged. "He's out."

Jess gave Jason a knowing look but he ignored it. "Got anything to drink?"

"We can put Bailey's in decaf coffee," Jess suggested.

Jason grinned at her. "Sure."

They were nearly finished with their coffee when Nate let himself back into the apartment. He froze when he saw them watching him from the balcony. "Hey," he grinned.

"Hi," Jason smiled back, and Nate came over and kissed him, running his hands down Jason's chest.

"Thought you'd be asleep for hours yet," Nate said when he bounced up. "What time is it anyway?"

"Three," Jason replied. He could feel Jess' disapproval from where she sat at the other side of the balcony. "You have fun?"

"Yeah," Nate grinned. "I ran into some old friends and we caught up."

Jason had figured. "Tired?"

Nate wiggled a little and sat himself in Jason's lap. "You asking me to bed?"

Jason laughed and kissed Nate deeply. He could taste the alcohol but under that was pure Nate and it made his stomach tighten. "We're not having sex in my sister's apartment," Jason whispered, amused.

Nate pouted at him but shrugged. "Come snuggle with me?"

"Yeah," Jason agreed.

—-

Justin and Nate left the next evening, they were supposed to get dessert for that night and ended up coming back a few hours later with wine and vodka and ice cream for dessert after dinner. Jess became more and more tight lipped throughout the week Nate and Jason were in New York, and Jason tried to ignore what was in front of him. By the end of the week, Jason was relieved to be going home.  
The routine continued after they got home; Jason went to work, Nate did whatever he did all day, Jason came home and made them dinner, they watched a movie or made out for a while before going to bed and fucking. Jason went to sleep, Nate either slept or went out, and the next morning the cycle started all over. Jason wouldn't say that he minded, really, but he could feel his happiness dulling around the edges.

oOo

Nate forced his eyes open when he felt Jason shaking his shoulder. "Hmm?" he asked sleepily and pulled Jason's pillow into a tight hug.

"I said I put the money and the list on the coffee table. Okay?" Jason said.

"Okay, milk, eggs, bread..." Nate mumbled as he tried to keep his eyes open.

"Close enough just don't forget. I'll be home early today."

"Okay, have a good day," Nate said and finally managed to sit up. He got off the bed and followed Jason to the door where he kissed him deeply before letting him leave the apartment.  
Jason laughed and slapped Nate's ass. "Six months," he said with a smile.

"Yup," Nate agreed and kissed Jason again. He closed and locked the door after Jason was gone, then he went back into the bedroom and fell onto the bed. He hugged the pillow close again; it smelled like Jason and Nate loved the way he smelled.

The clock on the nightstand said it was two the next time Nate opened his eyes. He took a quick shower before going to get the things Jason had asked for.

It seemed like Jason was the only person who had to work that day; the streets were packed full of guys on skate boards and women in sort shorts and bikini tops. He pushed his way through the crowd and headed for the grocery store. He wanted to have the things home and in the fridge before Jason got home. He'd told Nate he was coming home early, but he didn't say how early.

Nate saw Steve leaning against the wall of the grocery store and he smiled at his old friend. He'd seen his old Juvie cell mate the second day he was in California and he'd sold Nate some of the best coke he'd had. He knew he shouldn't talk to Steve, he was broke. He hadn't had sex with anyone but Jason for the last six months and he wasn't about to start asking his lover to pay for it.

"Hey," Steve said as Nate was about to walk into the store.

Nate swallowed and nodded at him.

"What's the hurry, Nate? Come over and talk to me."

"I can't, Steve."

"Sure you can, come on."

Nate took a deep breath and stepped over and leaned on the wall with him. He hadn't known what Steve had given him on his last day in Juvie until a few months ago when Steve had asked him if he'd enjoyed it. But even if his mother hadn't thrown it away he wouldn't have known what it was. Back then Nate didn't even know about crack, and he wouldn't have known how to get it out of rock form even if he had.

Steve bumped Nate's shoulder, "you buying today?"

And that was the question Nate hadn't wanted him to ask. "Um, no, not today," he replied.

"Why not? You clean up?" Steve asked.

"No. I just... I uh-" Nate's mouth was watering and his heart was pounding. He knew that Steve had what he needed and he wanted it. "I don't..." he sighed and shook his head. "I don't have any money," he finally blurted.

"Of course you do," Steve said through a wide smile. "You were just walking into a store. People don't go into stores if they don't have any money."

Nate felt sweat running down the back of his neck, his mouth had gone dry and his palms were sweating. He wanted it so bad, he could practically smell it, almost taste it. "It's not mine," Nate said softly.

"It's in your pocket isn't it? That makes it yours."

"No, Steve... I can't."

"I'll give you a discount for being an old friend and a loyal customer. Just give me what's in your pocket and I'll give you what's in mine."

Nate stared at Steve's jacket, and after a long time, he nodded and pulled the fifty dollar bill out of his pocket. He walked away from the store feeling worthless and like a disappointment.

At home, Nate dropped the bag of powder onto the coffee table and just stared at it. He hated himself, and he hated Steve, and he hated the man that had given him the joint, and he hated every person he'd met over the last ten years. He hated everything.

"I should take this back to Steve," Nate said aloud. "I should give it back and demand Jason's money back, then I should buy the stuff he wanted."

The powder was taunting him, laughing at him and all Nate wanted to do was throw it out the window... and snort it... and give it back.

"It wouldn't make me feel any better if I did give it back," He said and it felt like he was two people in one body. The one who wanted to make Jason happy, and the one who'd stopped expecting Jason to be around every corner and in every new state.

Finally he sighed and leaned back on the couch. He couldn't take his eyes off the bag and eventually he sat forward. His stuff was in his backpack and the backpack was sitting at his feet. Without any effort, he leaned forward, poured out the small amount of coke that fifty dollars had bought him and lined it out.  
After a few lines Nate felt much better, and the lost money was forgotten. He laid back on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. He'd never realized that the sponge applied plaster on the ceiling had made shapes. He smiled as he spotted the head of a lion and a fish and a dog. He felt good, his body was heavy but he could barely feel the couch beneath him.

oOo  
Six months after Jason found Nate at the club, Jason had plans. He'd given Nate money that morning and asked him to go get groceries. The list had included wine and steak. Jason wanted to have a special dinner; a celebration of six months together. Six months of happiness, of having Nate back. Jason grinned and parked the car, taking the steps up to the apartment building two at a time. "Hello, Mr. Markham," the doorman, Carl, smiled at him as he opened the door.

"Hi, Carl," Jason grinned. Still smiling, Jason rode the elevator up and dug out his keys to unlock his apartment.

His smile faded when he walked in to find Nate sprawled on the couch staring at the ceiling. A long white line waited for Nate on the coffee table. Jason could feel something in him breaking when he finally turned away and carefully shut the door. He'd been in denial of this for so long, but Jess was completely right. Jason was still wasting his life. Slowly and carefully, Jason took off his jacket and hung it up. He put his keys on the hook by the door and set his laptop case down on the floor. Every movement made him worry he was going to shatter into a million pieces.

When he finally took a deep breath and turned around, Nate was still laying there, the line of coke was still on the table. Jason turned away and slowly walked to the kitchen. He wanted a drink. He wanted a smoke. He wanted to not be so fucked up. When he opened the refrigerator for orange juice, it wasn't there. There was no eggs, no cheese, no steak, no wine, not a thing that Jason had put on the shopping list was in the fridge. Jason looked around, but there were no groceries on the counter, or on the little dining table.

Nate had used the money for drugs.

Before Jason even knew he was doing it, he strode purposefully into the living room and pushed the coffee table over onto its side. White powder flew everywhere, and Nate jumped about a foot in the air. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" Jason shouted. "I trusted you! I believed in you and all your fucking lies! I defended you, believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that you would never hurt me!"

"You can't blame me for that!" Nate shouted back, but he wasn't looking at Jason. He was too busy trying to collect coke from the floor.

Rage burned white hot in Jason and he stepped around the overturned table and planted his foot in the pile of powder Nate was gathering. When Nate looked up at him, Jason stared right back and ground his foot into the carpet.

"The fuck was that for!" Nate snarled, and Jason could see how angry and wild his eyes looked. "That shit is expensive!"

"I know!" Jason shouted, "I paid for it! You're just like every other asshole I've been with."

Before Jason could react, Nate surged to his feet. He collided with Jason, who stumbled back against the wall. Nate's eyes were wild, and he had an ashtray that had been on the coffee table before Jason kicked it over in his hand. Jason's eyes widened and his breath caught in his throat. He remembered hearing that Nate's father had killed his mother with an ashtray and for a fleeting second he wondered if Nate was about to do the same thing.

With a shout, Nate flung the ashtray across the room. Both Jason and Nate jumped and turned when they heard the crash. The movie stand beside the TV had broken and all of Jason's DVDs and videos spilled down onto the floor. There was a crack and one of the old Transformers videos broke as it landed.

Still pressed against the wall and breathing hard, Jason stared at his movies, then slowly turned to look at Nate. Nate, who Jason had loved since he was twelve years old, Nate, who was just as addicted and manipulative as every one of Jason's past boyfriends. Jess had been asking him for years what he thought he was doing with his life, and Jason finally wondered the same thing. If he wanted to keep his sanity, and maybe even keep living, he had to be the one to break the cycle. He couldn't be a victim any more.

Jason sagged, all the anger running out of him. He stepped around Nate and slowly walked across the living room and sank down into the arm chair. He didn't speak, didn't even look at Nate, until he'd lit a cigarette and took a deep drag from it. "I'm done," Jason said quietly. "What's wrong with you? What's wrong with _me?_ I can't keep doing this to myself. I won't be a victim, won't waste my life with losers like you anymore. I have to take care of myself."

"Jason..." Nate said quietly, but Jason shook his head and stared at his hands in his lap.

"No. I'm done. Get your shit, leave your key, and get out." Jason felt like his world was imploding, could feel his heart breaking and his eyes burning. He'd waited and searched for Nate his entire life, and he had to let him go.

"Please," Nate started, but Jason finally looked up. Jason didn't think he looked all that sure; he felt tears in his eyes and thought that he probably looked as broken as he felt, but whatever Nate saw made his face pale.

"Get your shit," Jason told him, and at least his voice was clear. "Leave your key, and get out."  
After Nate left, Jason finished his cigarette and stared at the broken movie stand. He'd have to get a box for his movies until he could get a new stand. Jason stood and made his way to the hall closet. He kept collapsed cardboard boxes on a top shelf for getting rid of things he no longer wanted; mostly crap left by exes, but one of them was big enough for the movies. Jason taped the bottom of the box closed and took it over to the pile and knelt. Slowly, he started putting the videos in the box first. When his hand touched the broken VHS, Jason paused. He picked it up and examined it, but the casing had cracked all the way down. It wasn't salvageable. Jason cradled the movie in his lap for a long time, feeling like part of his childhood had died with that tape.  
—-

When his cell phone rang, it made Jason jump. He pulled it from his pocket and checked the number before he answered. It was Jess. "What's wrong, Jason?" Jess asked as soon as Jason answered the call.

Jason opened his mouth, but the words stuck in his throat.

"Jason?" Jess spoke softly, and Jason wished with all his heart that she was there with him and not three thousand miles across the country. "Did Nate do something?"

"He's gone," Jason finally got out. "I kicked him out."

"Oh, Jason," Jess sighed. Jason felt himself breaking down, but if he was going to have a meltdown, he was glad it would be Jess who heard it.

Fresh anger bubbled up in Jason and he flung the broken tape across the room. "He had coke in my fucking apartment!" Jason shouted. "Six months, six months he's been living here and I barely even knew who he'd become! I was stuck in the past, in some fantasy where everything would always be fine as long as we were together!"

"Jas," Jess started, but Jason wasn't done. It was like the flood gates had been opened.

"I gave him a list and money, asked him to get steaks and wine and groceries for tonight, and he kissed me and promised me he would and I went through the whole work day thinking everything was fine, and we were going to have a nice dinner and some slow sex-"

"I didn't need to hear that part," Jess cut in, but Jason barely noticed.

"And I'm happy, everything's great, my life is finally working out and then I get home and he's... he's..." Jason took a shuddering breath and curled his knees up against his chest. He kept thinking about Nate with the ash tray in his hand, thinking about how he wondered if he was about to die. He'd never thought he'd think something like that about Nate, and it shredded Jason.

"I kicked Justin out," Jess told him after the silence stretched. "I realized what was bothering me about him. He wouldn't have been a good boyfriend, and definitely not a good father."

It took a moment for her words to penetrate Jason's thoughts. "Father?" he echoed.

"I'm pregnant, Jason." Jess told him. She sounded hopeful about it, but tired.

"Wow," Jason chuckled sadly. "Um, congratulations?"

"Thanks. So I was thinking, I was offered a job in Sacramento. Want to meet me there and we can take a week? Pamper ourselves, eat some good food, and unwind?"

Jason took a deep breath and nodded, even though Jess couldn't see it. "Yeah, that sounds really great. I have to get my number changed, but I'll call you tomorrow with the new one."

"Okay," Jess made a kissy noise at Jason through the phone. "I love you. I'll talk to you tomorrow and tell you flight details."

"Love you too, Jess," Jason made the kissy noise back, and he actually did feel a little better as he hung up the phone.  
—-  
Jason didn't sleep that night. He finished putting the movies in the box, pulled out the vacuum and spent an hour vacuuming the same area over and over again, making sure he got rid of all the powder. He set the coffee table up, wiped it down with a cleaning cloth, and put the remotes, the ash tray, and all his papers back where they belonged.

By the time it was two am, Jason finally finished with the living room. He'd been avoiding it, but he knew what came next. He pulled another box down from the closet and taped it together before slowly walking to the bedroom. Nate hadn't taken any of the clothes Jason had bought for him, and for some reason that hurt. Jason carefully folded everything, trying not to smell Nate's scent as he did so, but it was impossible. Once everything was in the box, Jason stripped the bed and put everything in the wash.

Systematically, Jason stripped the apartment of all evidence that Nate had ever been there. When fresh sheets were on the bed and the load of washed things were in the dryer, Jason sat on the edge of his bed and stared at the closed box. He knew he should throw it away, but he couldn't. Jason fought with himself for a long time, but finally he just shoved the box in the very back of his closet and left it there. Maybe eventually he'd be able to throw it in the dumpster. He did carry the broken movie stand outside, and the sun was rising as Jason heaved it into the trash.

Back in his apartment, Jason took a shower, changed his clothes, and packed a duffel for his trip to Sacramento with Jess. When he was ready, he got his jacket, phone, keys, cigarettes, wallet and laptop bag, slung the duffel over his shoulder, and locked his apartment behind him. He wasn't planning on coming back for a while.

Changing his number was easy; Jason was glad his phone provider had a shop that opened early, and he called Jess on the way to work. After telling her his new number, she told him when her plane would land in Sacramento. They hung up, and when Jason got to work he told his boss, Dr. Rodney McKay, that he had to go visit his sister for a week, but he'd be able to telecommute. Rodney waved dismissively at him and agreed, and Jason tried to push Nate out of his head as he sat down to work through last night's simulations.

When the work day was over, Jason got in his car and hit the highway, heading north.

oOo

Nate sat in the alley behind Jason's apartment building, the sun was still down. He didn't know where else to go, and that particular alley was clean and there were less people setting up their cardboard boxes in it. He spent hours staring up at Jason's window watching the shadow move back and forth, removing Nate completely from the apartment. Eventually he fell asleep.

"Hey, you can't sleep here," Nate looked up at the man standing in the doorway and knew why this alley was so clean.

"I'm not sleeping, I'm just resting," Nate replied.

"Well go rest somewhere else."

Nate nodded and got up; he didn't want to cause any trouble in Jason's building. He shouldered his backpack and started walking. Jason had told him to get his things and he had. But he'd only taken the clothes he was wearing, his shower things and the backpack. He didn't want Jason to think he'd used him for anything.

He wandered, that was all there was to do, he didn't have any money so getting a motel room was out of the question. Then he found himself standing outside the grocery store again, he didn't even realize that that had been the direction he was going. He sighed as he thought of how things should have gone, how they would have gone if he'd told Steve to fuck off like he should have. He walked over to the door and went inside. He didn't know why and it was stupid really, but he went through the motions. Jason's list was burned into his memory: eggs, cheese, steak, wine, lube. He walked through the store and looked at everything he should have bought yesterday, his heart breaking a little more as he passed each item, leaving them on their shelves. Half an hour later he walked back out into the warm morning sun.

"Hey, Nate," Nate turned and looked at Steve.

"Fuck you, Steve," he replied as he walked past him.

"Whoa, what was that for? I know the shit I gave you was good, so what's the deal?"

Nate stopped and turned around. "No, it wasn't good. It was the worst I've ever had. It ruined my life, and for that matter, so did you."

Steve actually looked hurt for a second before he smiled and dragged Nate away. "Let me make it up to you," he said.

Nate pulled his hand away and started walking the other way. "Leave me alone, Steve."  
An hour later, Nate found himself in a bar drinking on Steve's open tab and telling Steve the entire story.

"Look man, I'm sorry your boy threw you out, but you can't beat yourself up like this. He knew who you were when he invited you in," Steve said.

"Maybe, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't have been a better person for him."

"You can't change yourself, Nate. He knows that."

"Shut up, Steve. I hate you."

"I know you do, Nate, but you're still going to stay with me."

"Why would I do that?"

"You have someplace better to go?"

Nate thought about that and shook his head. "No, I don't have anywhere to go."

"Then come to my place. I know you hate me, but I can still give you a hand up when you're on the ground."

Nate sighed, took another shot of vodka, ordered another and agreed.

oOo  
The first day Jason and Jess were in their hotel, Jess insisted on the spa treatment. They went down and had massages, Jess got her nails done, and then laughingly talked Jason into a pedicure. They talked as the pedicurist worked on their feet, though Jason kept giggling and trying not to pull his feet away. He was very ticklish.

They ordered room service that night and had steak dinners in their room while they watched things blow up on the TV. Jess was a great distraction for Jason, but when they'd gotten ready for bed and the lights were out and Jason was alone in his bed, he stared at the dark ceiling and couldn't sleep. Everything came rushing back, and for the first time Jason regretted changing his phone number. He squished that thought as soon as it came up. He was done with the losers, the addicts. He was just lucky he'd not been killed by one of them. Just because he and Nate had a shared history didn't change who Nate was now.

"Hey," Jess grumbled, and Jason turned his head to see her sitting on the edge of her bed. "You're thinking so hard I can't sleep."

"Sorry," Jason chuckled dryly. "I'll try to keep my thoughts quieter."

Jess stood and took the couple steps that brought her to Jason's bedside. She slipped under his covers and slid close, wrapping her arms around him. "We're both a mess, Jas," she said softly. "We have each other though, and we'll be okay."

Jason nodded and pulled his sister close. They fell asleep like that, both supporting the other, and Jason actually managed to sleep through the night.

oOo

Nate stared up at the ceiling above Steve's couch. The apartment was small and kind of dirty, and Steve had explained that it was just a temporary place, that he wasn't planning on staying in California for too much longer. He couldn't sleep, every time he closed his eyes he saw Jason's face. He'd been so disappointed in Nate, and with good reason. He'd called Nate a loser, and he'd been right. Nate had been so angry when Jason ground his coke into the carpet.

Suddenly the memory flashed in Nate's mind and his heart raced as the tears slid out of the corners of his eyes. Jason's shoe had twisted the last of the coke into the carpet and Nate had grabbed the first thing he saw. He hadn't intended to hit Jason with it, he'd never do that, never hurt Jason. But Jason's face had gone pale when he saw the ash tray in Nate's hand, and he looked utterly terrified. 'An ashtray,' Nate thought as he stood up. He pulled on his backpack and left Steve's apartment. Jason had told Nate that he'd heard about Nate's mother's murder, which most likely meant that Jason knew that an ashtray had been the murder weapon. He thought Nate was going to kill him.

Nate dropped to his knees on the side of the sidewalk and vomited. He puked until his stomach was empty, and then he wretched up bile until his stomach hurt and his lungs ached. Jason thought he was going to die that night. He'd thought Nate was going to kill him the way his step-father had killed his mother. Nate's chest hurt and his head was pounding, the realization that Jason was afraid of him hurt worse than anything else he'd ever gone through.

As he struggled off the ground, he realized that Jason was right. Nate was just as bad as the other guys; he'd walked into Jason's life and hadn't done anything to make it better. He remembered telling Jason in the first letter he'd written him that he wasn't the kind of person Jason needed to be around, that he only brought bad things into people's lives. At fifteen years old Nate had told Jason not to bother with him, and he wished now that he had listened. He'd hurt Jason, he'd scared him, and he was an awful person.

He walked, he walked and thought and wandered through the night until the sun was lighting the sky. He thought about everything that he and Jason had been through. He remembered the first day they met, how Jason had just introduced himself as if it didn't matter who Nate was. He remembered playing space explorers on the playground. He remembered Jason sharing his lunches. Sneaking into Jason's house to watch Transformers, climbing the tree, skipping school, making out. Everything good in his life, all of Nate's good memories had Jason in them. Even the last six months, the way they touched and kissed, how Jason told Nate he loved him. They talked about the time capsule and how they only had five more years until it was time to dig it up. Nate wanted that, he wanted to be happy, he wanted to make Jason happy, he wanted to be there when the capsule was dug up. He wanted Jason more than he'd ever wanted anything in his life. He'd always wanted Jason, for as long as he could remember Jason had been his main focus in life, even after they were separated and all they had were letters.

"Jason..." Nate whimpered as the full weight of what had happened hit him and his chest tightened up. He couldn't breathe. "I'm... I can..."

Nate dug into his pocket and pulled out the last amount of money he had and walked over to the pay phone at the gas station across the street. He dropped the quarters in and dialed the number.  
"We're sorry, the number you dialed is no longer in service," the cheery automated voice said and Nate's heart broke a little more.

He walked for another twenty minutes before he remembered Jason's post break up list; one of his items was to change his number. He felt his spirit lift a little as he began walking with renewed purpose. He made his way to the building, through the doors, up the elevator and to the apartment. "Jason," he called as he pounded on the door. "Jason, I'm going to do it for you. I'm going to get clean. Jason, please open the door."

After twenty minutes of vigorous pounding Jason still hadn't answered and Nate remembered that Jason worked. He hurried down the stairs. His heart was pounding as he stopped at the doorman's desk. "Carl," he said as he leaned on the desk to catch his breath.

"Good morning Mr. Stackhouse, what can I do for you?"

"Jason..." Nate said and took another deep breath trying to loosen the stitch in his side.

"He's gone sir," Carl replied. "He left a few days ago with his bags. I'm sorry."

"He's gone?" Nate asked as his hope crashed down to the floor. He turned around and left the building without another word. Heading back to Steve's place, he realized that with Jason gone, there was nothing left to do. He'd left because he didn't want to be around Nate anymore, and Nate felt his soul crack a little as he opened the door to Steve's apartment and walked inside.

—-

Nate sat on Steve's couch and watched as the sun moved across the floor. Then it was dark and Steve came home.

"You look like shit man, you been sitting there all day?" Steve asked as he threw his keys on the table.  
Nate nodded but didn't speak.

"Alright, I think this has gone far enough. I'm going to a party tonight, Nate, and you're coming with me."

"No," Nate replied. "I'm not."

"Look, I'm not going to let you sit there and rot on my couch. Get your ass up." Steve left the room and came back a while later with wet hair and clean clothes. He dragged Nate out to the car, pushed him inside and they drove away. Before Nate even realized what was happening he was in a room full of people and Steve was shoving a drink in his hand.

"Vodka, right?" Steve said and put a pill in Nate's other hand. "You'll feel much better, take it."

Nate looked at the pill in his hand and then at the glass in his other hand. Jason's face flashed before his eyes, the disappointed look gave way to the look of fear and in his mind, Nate heard Jason telling him to get his shit and go, then he heard Carl telling him that Jason was gone.

He felt like he was in a bad movie with the horrible voice overs, but it was real. Jason had broken up with him, kicked him out, removed Nate from his life completely and even moved away. Nate knew from seeing the process after Ethan that everything was on Jason's list, everything except the move. He wanted Nate gone, out of his life and Nate didn't want to argue. He looked at the pill again before popping it into his mouth and washing it down with the vodka.

It was easy after that, the pill was followed by a shot of heroine, and then coke and another pill. Nate was flying high and he felt great. The vodka and the drugs had completely cleared his head.

"You better slow down, man," Nate heard someone say. And a moment later the room was rolling over and someone was calling Steve's name. Nate's head hit something sharp and the world was gone.

—-

"There you are."

Nate opened his eyes and gagged when he realized that something was shoved down his throat.

"Alright, alright, calm down. I'll get it out," the woman said and a moment later Nate was gasping in a deep breath and coughing it out.

The doctor pressed her fingers to Nate's wrist and then shined a light in his eyes. "I'm Doctor Lam," she said as she listened to his breathing. "You had us worried, Mr. Stackhouse."

"What..." Nate began before his throat tightened and he coughed hard.

"You overdosed, Mr. Stackhouse. Your friend brought you in a few days ago. It was obvious that he was high too, but you were our main concern. With the amount of drugs and alcohol you had in your system... quite frankly, we didn't think you were going to make it."

"A few days?" Nate asked.

"Yes, two days actually."

"What now?" Nate asked.

"Well, I'd like you to talk to the therapist. That's usually a requirement when we get patients who overdose. I'll send her in."

"Okay," Nate replied and laid his head back down on the pillow. An OD, he'd never done that before.

—-

Nate's chest was tight as he walked through the doors of the rehab center. It was all voluntary and he could turn around and walk out at any moment, but he knew he wouldn't.

"You must be Nathan Stackhouse," a man with an accent said as he walked over to Nate.

"Nate, please, I don't like the other name," Nate told him.

"I'm sorry. Nate then, I'm Carson Beckett, why don't we go into my office and have a chat?"

Nate nodded and followed the man into the office behind the front desk. It looked more like a therapist's office rather than a doctor's office. There was a coffee table and two chairs, a bunch of paintings and some plants. Carson sat down and motioned for Nate to do the same.

"Tell me, Nate, what do you want to get out of this program?" Carson asked.

"I want to be better, I want to stop needing the drugs," Nate said and wrung his hands together. He was beginning to feel frayed at his edges and a little twitchy. "I want to be the kind of man Jason deserves, the kind that could make him happy."

"And who is Jason?"

"He's my... he was my boyfriend. We knew each other when we were kids." Nate told the doctor the entire story from meeting Jason to being arrested, to running away and looking for Jason for all those years and finally he told him about doing coke in Jason's apartment and throwing the ashtray. "I'd never have hit him, I wasn't ever going to hurt him, but-"

"He thought you were going to," Dr. Beckett finished.

"Yeah," Nate agreed.

"So are you doing this so he'll take you back?"

Nate shook his head. "No, I don't expect him to do anything. But the things he said, and then my OD... it opened my eyes to the way I've been living my life and I didn't like what I saw."

"That's good, because if you were doing this for him it wouldn't work. You need to do this for you."

"I am, doc, I don't want to be this person anymore."

"Alright, why don't we get you set up in a room and you can start thinking about dinner?"

"Okay," Nate agreed.

They talked while Beckett led Nate down some halls and Nate could tell there was something on the man's mind, he just didn't know what it was or how to go about asking him. He put his backpack on the end of the bed and looked around the room. The door had a window in it that was reinforced with thin metal strips of wire running through it, he had a bathroom but no shower. The window looked out to the courtyard and the highway in the near distance. The walls were off white and the thin blanket on the bed was blue. Doctor Beckett told him that meals were not eaten in the room unless the patient wasn't able to come to the cafeteria for whatever reason. There were a few hours of outside time everyday and that visiting hours were between nine am and six pm. Nate told him that he didn't think there would be  
a problem with visitors.

—-

He didn't sleep that night. His nerves were tingling and his head was aching and he kept feeling like he had ants crawling up his legs. The sound of the highway was calming though; it was where he'd spent most of his life. Eventually, Nate got out of bed and looked out the window. He thought he might feel a little better if he could see the cars moving back and forth; watch the white of the headlights and the red of the tail lights. He had so many memories of the highway; it was where most things happened to him. Finally he grabbed the head of his bed and yanked it to the side until it was resting along the wall with the window. He laid back down, pulled the blanket over him and turned onto his side looking out the window at the highway. He listened to the sound of the cars, the tires on the pavement and the horns as one car merged to close to another. He was asleep within minutes.

oOo  
When Jason got back to his apartment a week later, there was a note taped to his door. He pulled it down, unlocked the apartment and put his things away before sitting down on the couch and lighting a cigarette. Finally he opened the note and read it.

Five minutes later, Jason was back in his car and driving to the hospital.

"I'm sorry Mr. Markham, Nate Stackhouse checked himself out," the duty nurse told him.

Jason pressed his thumbs just above his eyes and sighed. "Can you tell me where he went?"

"He was talking with a councilor," the nurse told him. "Hang on," he paged Dr. Fraiser, who turned out to be a beautiful woman with kind eyes. She took Jason into her office to talk.

"Nate had you listed as his emergency contact, but we can't legally tell you much," she told Jason. "He overdosed, and it was touch and go for a little while. Once he was stable, I started talking to him. He said he had a reason to clean up, and I'm betting that reason is you."

Jason stared at his hands, feeling his eyes sting. "Probably," he replied.

"I referred him to a rehab facility," Dr. Frasier told him. "I can give you the number, and if Nate wants to talk to you, they'll let him."

"Thank you," Jason said, and she squeezed his hand.

"It's a hard thing to get through, but with the right motivation, I know he can do it," she smiled.

Jason called the rehab facility from his car, and it wasn't long before they said he could come down to visit. Jason thanked them, hung up, and put the car in gear.

Rehab was pretty damn nice, Jason thought as he was lead through the building and out into a small courtyard. He was asked to wait, and they'd tell Nate he was there. Jason nodded and sat down on a bench, watching the fountain as he waited.

He turned when he heard shuffling feet, and his breath caught in his throat. Nate looked like shit. There were deep, dark circles under his eyes, his skin was pale, and his hands twitched involuntarily. "Jesus," Jason breathed.

Nate laughed, a dry, humorless sound, and sat down on the bench next to Jason. "I look that bad, huh?"

Jason wanted to touch him, but Nate looked fragile enough that he might break. "Kinda, yeah," he said, finally tearing his gaze away from Nate and looking back across the garden.

"I'm doing this because of you, Jason," Nate said quietly a few minutes later. "I thought about everything you said, and you're right. You deserve way better than losers like me. I'm not asking you to take me back, but I wanted to know that I'm doing this because of you."

Jason felt like his heart was breaking all over again. He wanted to pull Nate close and kiss him and kiss him until everything else faded away. He wanted to tell Nate that it was fine, that he'd take him back, but he knew he shouldn't. Jason reminded himself he was done with that life, that he was turning a corner. If Nate managed to finish the rehab program though...

"I'm not saying I'll never take you back," Jason found himself saying, "but I need to think about it."

"I'm not asking you to," Nate said again. "You opened my eyes, made me see what I was doing and where I was going, and I don't like it. I'm going to change that."

Jason nodded and took a deep breath. "I'll be here," he told him quietly. "I'll visit, and help you when I can."

"Thank you," Nate replied softly. "It's more than I deserve and I know that."

Jason shrugged, words stuck in his throat. They sat for a while, until a doctor came up and put his hand on Nate's shoulder.

"It's time to come in, Nate," the doctor said in a Scottish accent. "Mr. Markham can come back again later."

"Tomorrow," Jason said quickly. "I'll be back tomorrow."

Nate smiled and nodded before standing up and walking away.

"Mr. Markham," the doctor caught Jason's attention. "I'm Dr. Carson Beckett."

"You can call me Jason," Jason told him, and Beckett smiled.

"I'm glad you came to see him, Jason. He needs friends if he's going to get through this. I was wondering though, if you wouldn't mind picking up a few things for him."

"Like what?" Jason asked.

"Well, he needs a robe, and slippers, and some more clothes," Beckett sighed. "All he came in with was the clothes on his back and a nearly empty backpack. It's not required, of course, and we have things he can use, but I think it would be good for him to have his own things."

Jason nodded. "Absolutely. I can bring him things tomorrow."

Beckett smiled, and Jason was struck by just how blue the man's eyes were. "Thank you."

When Jason got home, he pulled Nate's box out of the closet and packed the clothes into a duffel bag. He pulled his own robe off the bathroom hook and put it in the bag too. He'd have to go out and buy slippers, but Jason didn't mind. He found his old portable CD player and put that in the duffel with some CDs and a few books.

With the bag all packed, except for slippers, Jason actually considered driving back over right away, but he was sure it was after visiting hours now. Jason knew he had to make sure his head was in the right place anyway. He'd been running off adrenalin all day, ever since he got the note, and he had to calm down and think about things. Jason picked up his phone and dialed Jess' number.

"Hey," Jess answered on the third ring. "What's up?"

"Nate's in rehab," Jason said, and that was all he got out.

"You're not going to take him back, right? Jason, please, please tell me you're not thinking about it."

"Of course not," Jason said hurriedly. "I mean, he's trying to change, but that doesn't change anything he did."

"Jason," Jess sighed, "you make it sound like I'm the bad guy for saying that."

"Sorry," Jason rubbed a hand over his face. "I don't know Jess. I mean, if he gets through rehab..."

"It doesn't end there," Jess said softly. "It's going to haunt him for his whole life, Jason. Every day there will be temptations, and every day you'll be wondering if he's given in or stayed strong."

"Yeah," Jason groaned, "I know."

"You going to visit him?"

"Yeah. I went today, and I promised I'd go back tomorrow. I have some of his things for him, so he doesn't just have the one change of clothes."

"You kept his things?" Jess sounded surprised, but then again she knew Jason's post-breakup routine as well as Jason did.

"I couldn't make myself throw them away," Jason admitted. "I guess it's a good thing, after all."  
oOo

Nate growled and slammed his fist into the wall again, leaving a red smear as the skin finally broke.

"Nate," Dr. Beckett said. "It's for your own good, it will help ease your pain."

Nate trained his vision on the man walking toward him with the needle. He side stepped, continuing the dance he'd been doing with the nurse for the last twenty minutes.

"That's what they all say. I'm trying to get clean, not start a new habit!"

Beckett sighed and held up his hand. "We're trying to help you get clean, Nate. But you have to trust us, things are going to get much worse before they get better and we're just trying to take the edge off."

The nurse leapt forward and wrapped an arm around Nate's shoulders, trying to jab the needle into Nate's arm with his free hand. Nate twisted away and punched the man in the face.

"Mother fucker!" The man shouted and started toward Nate again.

"Patrick!" Carson shouted and waved a hand at him. "That'll be quite enough, thank you."

The nurse sighed as he walked toward the door. "He packs a wallop for such a little guy," he grumbled as he slid past the doctor and out of the room.

When the needle wielding man was gone, Nate relaxed and moved toward the bed. "I don't feel good," he said as he changed directions hurried to the bathroom. He leaned over the toilet in just enough time to throw up his breakfast. He'd been in rehab for a week now and it was the utmost worst experience of his life, bar none.

Beckett handed him a cool wash cloth when he came back out. Nate accepted it and laid on the bed, turning toward the highway for comfort.

"Jason came to see me yesterday," he said quietly and then there was a soft hand on his shoulder.  
"I know lad, I met him, remember?"

"Oh yeah. I don't... damn it's cold in here, is the air on?"

"It is," Beckett told him.

"It's down too low." Nate could feel the sweat pouring off of him but he was shivering. He wrapped the blanket around him but it didn't do any good. "I need another blanket," he said.

"It's the withdrawal, Nate. You'll be fine."

Nate turned over and looked at the door. It was closed and there was no one standing on the other side.

"Where's Jason?" he asked and his eyes burned as they filled with fresh tears.

"He said he'd be here, Nate. But he is a grown man with responsibilities. He might not be able to make it."

The tears fell and Nate shook as he turned back toward the window. "He's not coming," he said as he hugged the second of his pillows tightly.

Beckett squeezed his shoulder. "You really should take the medication, Nate, it'll help with the symptoms."

Nate shook his head, fresh anger flaring in his gut. These people were supposed to be helping him get off drugs, but instead they just wanted to pump him full of more. The anger didn't last long though. The doctor left and Nate was wracked with a fresh set of tears. He wished Jason was there, he wanted to be held in his arms, but he didn't deserve that, both he and Jason knew it.

oOo  
When Jason arrived at the Phoenix Treatment Facility, he was told that Nate wasn't up for visitors that day. "Where's Dr. Beckett?" Jason asked.

Dr. Beckett was called, and when he arrived, Jason stood up from where he'd been waiting in a chair. "Why can't Nate have visitors?"

"He's having a rough day, I'm afraid," Beckett answered. "It's for your safety as much as his. He's already punched one nurse today."

"Oh," Jason nodded. "Well can you make sure he gets this? It's everything you asked for, as well as a CD player and some music and some books. I wanted him to have something that would help take his mind off everything."

Beckett nodded and took the bag. "I'll make sure he gets it and that he knows you came by today."

"Thank you," Jason shook the doctor's hand before walking back out into the bright sunlight. It bothered him that he hadn't been able to see Nate, but he understood. He'd sat up for half of the night, researching withdrawal and reading every scrap of information on the Phoenix Treatment Facility's web site. He knew there were going to be good days and bad days for Nate, but Jason hadn't really expected to be unable to visit so soon.

He'd try again tomorrow, he decided as he pulled onto the highway for the short trip across the city. Maybe he'd call first. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to handle coming all the way back only to be turned away again. The need to see Nate was a bone deep ache inside Jason. Part of him wasn't going to be convinced that Nate was still there unless Jason was able to see him often. He couldn't really explain why, and he didn't bother trying, but he knew he wasn't going to rest well until Nate had completed the program and was able to stay clean. Jason felt hopeful about Nate's chances, but he tried to squash it down as much as he could; he wasn't sure he'd survive Nate breaking his heart again.

oOo

Nate sat on his bed and stared out the window at the highway. It had offered him so much comfort over the last few months. Rehab had been the hardest thing he'd ever done, but Jason had been there for him all the way. He'd come to visit Nate almost every day. Jason had given Nate the strength to keep going when the withdrawal got so bad that all Nate wanted to do was die. Jason had encouraged him when he felt lost and promised him that everything was going to be okay. Nate hadn't been able to see it, but Jason had promised and Nate believed him. Now, he supposed, Jason was keeping that promise. It was Nate's last few minutes in Phoenix and he was spending them in his room looking back at his life and everything he'd done with it.

Jason hadn't come to visit for a few days, The last time he had come he told Nate that the company was sending him to Washington State for a meeting and some new training. Nate had smiled, hugged Jason and told him not to worry about him.

Now that Nate didn't have the drugs or the withdrawal clouding his mind, he was able to think and reflect on things. He'd had a ton of therapy sessions that taught him how to do that. He'd reflected on his parents, his childhood and the choices he'd made in his life, very few of which were actually good. He'd been encouraged to write letters to anyone who had meant anything to him, and he wrote to Damien, but he'd apparently moved because the letter came back. He stuffed it in his backpack rather than throwing it away, and he wasn't really sure why.

But now he wasn't thinking about any of that, he was thinking about Jason. The things Jason had said when he threw Nate out of the apartment had hurt worse than anything Nate had ever felt. But now that his head was clear, he could see that everything Jason said was true.

"Nate," Carson said when he poked his head through the door. "Are you ready? I have some papers for you to sign."

Nate looked up and smiled. "Can I have a few more minutes?"

"Of course, take your time."

"Thank you."

Carson left and Nate pulled out the paper and pen he'd been given for his letter writing. He hadn't written to Jason, because he was usually there visiting, but he had something to write today.  
 _Jason,_ he began.

 _I'd like to start this letter by thanking you for everything you've done for me over the last few months. I'm not sure I'd have made it if you hadn't been here. I'd also like to thank you for all you did before this, and I don't just mean the clothes and things you bought me. I mean everything, from the beginning. You were my friend, you made me happy, and you gave me an escape from the hell that was my life at the time. I don't think I ever told you how grateful I am to have had you in my life. I have no doubt that if I hadn't met you, I'd have died not long after my twelfth year._

 _Having said that, I've been looking back on things and everything you said when we broke up was true. I haven't done anything but cause you trouble, and that goes back to the beginning when you were getting in trouble for hanging out with me. But that night might have been the worst of all. I am just like all the other guys you've been with; a worthless, mooching, addict. There are no more drugs, but that doesn't change anything. I've never had a job besides the one they gave me here to "prepare me for life." And I've never had an apartment, or even an ID. You do need to look out for yourself, and the best way to do that is to leave me behind. You're such an amazing person, Jason. You cared about me when no one else did, you made that part of my life worth living. Now it's time I paid you back. I love you, and that's why I'm leaving. I don't want to hold you back from being as great as you can be, and if I stay, even without the drugs, that's what I'd be doing. You deserve the best, the best of everything. I encourage you to chase what you want until you get it, and also to stay away from other guys like me.  
You mean everything to me, and I love you more than you could ever know._

 _Love, Nate_

He signed the letter, folded it neatly and stuck it in the envelope. He wrote Jason's name on it and in the top left corner he wrote Bumblebee, then he pulled a fifty dollar bill out of his pocket and put it in the envelope and stuck the letter in his backpack.

"Alright, I'm ready now," Nate said as he left his room with his backpack slung over his shoulders.  
Carson led him down to the front desk and pushed a small stack of papers toward him and told him to sign on the Xs.

"Where are you going to go, Nate?" Carson asked as he shook Nate's hand.

"I don't know yet. I kind of feel the highway calling me. I might have sat still for too long."

"Just be careful. You'll never stop being an addict, and the temptation will always be there."

"Don't worry, Doc, that part of my life is over. I need to find a place to start fresh. I'm not sure I can do that here."

Carson smiled and pulled Nate into a loose hug. "Take care of yourself. You're not the same guy that came in here a few months ago. You're leaving as that better person you wanted to be."

Nate nodded. "I'll take care. You do the same doc, you do good work here."

"Thank you."

Nate nodded again and left the building.

—-

It was the first time in a long time that Nate had been outside without a fence around him. He felt kind of free, lighter than he could remember feeling. He had some money in his pocket, and the prepaid cell phone Jason had given him on one of his visits.

As he walked down the bright California streets Carson's words played themselves in his head again and again. _You'll never stop being an addict_ , that knowledge buzzed around him like a gnat that wouldn't leave him alone. He focused all of his attention on the street moving beneath his feet as he made his way to Jason's apartment building. He knew Jason wouldn't be home, and that was why he allowed himself to the take elevator up and get off on Jason's floor. He went to the door and just stood there for a moment, thinking of the months he'd spent inside the apartment and what he'd done at the end. Not only had he used the money Jason had trusted him with to buy drugs instead of what he'd been asked to buy, but he used coke inside Jason's home. He'd poured it out on the table and snorted it up without any thought for Jason and how he'd feel about it. He'd only thought about himself and he'd hurt Jason because of it. He deserved to end up alone, and he wasn't going to fight it at all.

Squatting down low, Nate slipped the envelope under the door, then he stood up, looked at the door for a moment longer and walked back down the hall. He'd just officially said good-bye to the man he'd been living his life for, and now he felt a little bit hollow. As he stepped out through the revolving doors he realized that he didn't know what to do with his life now. He was clean, no more drugs and that had been such a big part of his life for so long that he didn't know what to do without it. As he walked down the streets every person he saw looked like they had something to sell. Across the street from him there was a man with a red baseball cap and his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans, just leaning against a wall. Not far in front of him, there was a woman on a park bench digging in her purse for something. He knew that the lady was most likely digging for bus fair and the man was probably waiting for a friend, but that's not what it felt like. He knew that drugs were always going to be in his periphery but this was torture. He was seeing things that weren't there and he wondered if this was how he'd have to live the rest of his life. As he passed the woman on the bench, she smiled at him and suddenly his chest tightened and his palms started sweating and he ducked into the closest building. He looked around and saw a desk and some chairs and plants and a woman staring at him.

After a long moment the woman forced a smile. "Welcome to the Holiday Inn sir. May I help you?"

Nate took a deep breath and nodded, then went over and put all but fifty dollars on the desk. "How  
many nights will that get me?" he asked.

The woman sighed as if this wasn't in her job description and picked up the money. "Four nights in a basic room," she said shortly.

"I'll take it," he said.

"ID?" the woman asked and held out her hand.

Nate nodded and pulled out his shiny new ID. It was another thing he got during rehab; Carson had told him he wouldn't get anywhere in life without one.

The woman typed something and then looked up at Nate, her eyes wide and a little confused.  
"Stackhouse?" she asked.

"Yeah," Nate replied.

She stared for another minute before shaking her head and handing him the card key. "124," she said with a smile.

Nate thanked her and headed toward his room. His last fifty dollars would have to go for groceries. He didn't know what he'd do when his four days ran out, but he supposed he could use the time he had to figure that out. He guessed he could always go back to Kansas and talk to Cam and his mom.

His room was small; a bed, a dresser with a TV on top of it, and a bathroom. There was a small round table with a chair on either side and a small refrigerator beside the bathroom door. Nate sighed and stepped into the place he'd call home for the next few days.

oOo  
Jason sighed and rolled his shoulders as he got off the highway. He was almost home, and now he had to decide if he was visiting Nate before or after he stopped off at the apartment. He was feeling groady enough from the long drive that a shower seemed like the necessary thing to do first. He checked his watch as he waited for a light to change; he still had a couple hours before visiting hours ended. That would be plenty of time.

Jason smiled as he turned toward his apartment; Nate would be done with the program any time now, and already he seemed like a different person. Jason had never stopped loving him, not since they were twelve years old, but it felt like his attraction to the clean and sober Nate was new again. He knew he had to be careful with Nate. Jason knew the smart thing would be to remain friends but not take him back, but he wasn't sure how that would work out yet.

Jason shook his head and tried to put those thoughts aside. He parked his car, grabbed his bags, and made his way up to the apartment. It was a juggling act getting through the door, but finally Jason got his bags dumped on his bed. With a relieved sigh, he stripped quickly and made his way to the shower.

Jason made it as fast a shower as he could, and when he checked the clock, it had only been about fifteen minutes. He pulled on his boxers and padded out to the living room for a smoke, since he had some time. It wasn't until he sat down that he noticed the envelope sitting in front of his door.

"What's that?" he mumbled to himself, flicking his cigarette before getting up and walking over to the letter. He picked it up, intending to just toss it on the table, but then he saw 'Bumblebee' in the return address spot.

Jason read the letter where he stood, his cigarette getting smaller and smaller as he ignored it. By the time he was finished, his eyes were stinging and his heart was screaming at him to get dressed and find Nate immediately. Jason took a deep, shaking breath and sat down in his armchair. He had to think about this.

Nate wanted him to be happy, to be happy with someone who wasn't a loser. Jason wasn't sure if that could be done in the context that Nate meant it to be. Jason didn't think he'd ever be truly happy without Nate in his life. John Sheppard hadn't been a loser, but Jason had given him up for what he now realized was the chance that he'd see Nate again. Everything in Jason's life had been leading to one person, and now Jason could finally see it. He was supposed to be with Nate, and he'd always feel incomplete without him. Nate was a recovering addict, however, and Jason had to take that into account. All his adult life Jason had been with one bad boyfriend after another, and while they hadn't all been drug addicts, they had all been controlling, manipulative, low life, mooching scum in their own way. Would being with Nate just end up the same way?

Jason didn't think so, but he knew he really wasn't the best at judging things like this when it came to himself. He groaned, picked up his cell phone from the side table, and dialed Jess' number.

"What's up?" Jess asked, and she didn't seem all that surprised by Jason's call. Jason had to smile; the twin thing people always talked about did seem to be fairly accurate.

"Nate's out of rehab," Jason told her.

Jess sighed, "let me guess. You're thinking about taking him back."

"Maybe?" Jason groaned, slumping back into his chair. "You should see this letter he wrote me, Jess."

"Jason, we talked about this, remember? I can't stop you if that's what you want to do, but just remember, he's always going to be an addict, okay?"

"Yeah," Jason rubbed his hand over his face. "I know that. I've thought about that too, but he has a better chance of not falling back into that life if he has some support, right?"

"True," Jess allowed, and Jason could hear the reluctance in her voice. "Does that person really have to be you?"

"He doesn't have anyone else that isn't still using," Jason reminded her, "but I love him. I don't think that'll ever change, and I don't think I'll ever be able to be actually happy with someone else."

"It's you're decision, Jas," Jess told him, "no matter what, I'll be here for you."

Jason sighed. "That's not much help, booger head."

"Hey!" Jess laughed, "what else can I say? I'll support you no matter what, even though I'm not convinced that this is a good idea."

"I know. Thanks, Jess," Jason wished his sister was there with him, but just talking to her helped a little.

"So are you going to do it?" Jess asked.

Jason chuckled softly. "Yeah, I think I will."

Jason lit up again before staring at Nate's number on his phone. Finally, he hit send and waited as it rang.

oOo

Nate stretched and opened his eyes. The clock beside the bed said it was almost three in the afternoon and Nate smiled. He couldn't remember ever having slept that long in his life and it was nice. The downside was that he'd wasted almost an entire day in bed; he was supposed to be figuring out where he was going to go. He turned over and looked at the phone Jason had bought him and wondered how many of his minutes it would take to call Kansas information.

"House keeping?" an accented voice said from the hall.

"No thank you," Nate called back.

"Towels?"

"No! Go away." He sighed and sat up on the edge of the bed. He hadn't meant to snap at the woman, she was only trying to do her job after all, and that was more than Nate could ever have said about himself. In rehab he washed dried and folded all the linens in the building for a small wage, but that was it. He'd never stayed in one place long enough to actually get a job, and even if he had, he wouldn't have gotten anything because he didn't have an ID. He needed to become a responsible adult but he didn't have the first clue about how to do that. In seventh grade they filled out mock job applications so he didn't think that would be a problem, but where was he supposed to get one? On the fake application there was a section for job history. The teacher told them to make stuff up and he had, but he was pretty sure that didn't work in real life. Whoever he was applying with would look at his job history and see that he was a man in his mid-twenties who had never had a job, and that couldn't look good. Not to mention, he didn't have an address.

He sighed, stood up and stripped before going into the bathroom and starting the shower. As he stepped under the warm stream of water he thought that if he went to Kansas and found Cam and his mom he could put their address down, but he couldn't stay with them forever. He'd need a job to get an apartment, and he'd most likely need experience to get a job. Those problems weren't even considering that he had no one to put down as a reference. He could put Jason, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to do that. Having a possible employer call Jason might tell him where Nate was, and he didn't think that was the best thing to do.

He washed his hair and decided to stop thinking about it for a moment. He was getting a headache from all the things he had to do, none of which he actually knew how to do.

As he washed himself, he found his thoughts drifting to Jason as they had done for the better part of his life. He could hardly believe that they were officially through. His memories were all that had gotten him through all his years on the road, all the strangers he rode with, and all the bad things that he escaped by the skin of his teeth; Jason's smile, his laugh, the look in his eyes every time he saw Nate standing outside the school fence. He couldn't help but remember the flutter in his stomach the first time he'd felt Jason's erection pressing into his hip.

Nate groaned and reached down to grip his erection, he hadn't meant for it to happen, but thoughts of Jason always got him hard. He stroked his cock as he remembered the look on Jason's face when Nate had ground down against him, the way he said Nate's name and encouraged him to keep going. He remembered exactly how it felt when Jason started pushing up against him, rubbing their cocks together. Then his memories flowed smoothly into more recent events. The way Jason had felt the first time Nate had pushed into him, so tight and perfect. He pulled on his dick a little harder when he remembered the way Jason had kept saying Nate's name, and the way it felt when Jason came between their bodies. He twisted his hand around the head of his cock almost painfully when he remembered how Jason had just laid there at first, conditioned by all the bad boyfriends to just lie there and take it. Then he smoothly rubbed his thumb over the head when he remembered how that had changed, how Nate had changed Jason. How by the end, Jason was gripping Nate and thrusting against him and begging and cursing. The way Jason had felt inside Nate, how full he felt, perfect for the first time in his life. Jason shouted his name when he came, whether he was fucking or being fucked. Nate could almost feel Jason's fingers pressing into his hip, and he imagined that the hand around his dick was Jason's. His breathing was heavy and shallow and within moments he was grunting as he came on the shower wall. He sighed and rested his head against the wall, the water cascading down his back, and he thought of Jason. Everything good in his life had Jason in it. Even some of the bad things had Jason in them; the night his dad threw his lamp out his window, Nate didn't doubt that he'd have died that night if Jason's family hadn't called CPS. He'd have died several times without Jason, if it hadn't been his step-father, he'd have run away when he was small enough to have been taken advantage of in a really bad way.  
Finally, he rinsed himself off and stepped out of the shower, then it hit him again that he had no fucking clue what he was going to do now, and he only had two days left in the hotel room.

"Fuck," he said as he looked out the window. "I am so screwed." After a few more minutes of staring out at the people walking down the street, he grabbed his dirty clothes off the floor and took them into the bathroom to wash them. He didn't have to do it that way. He had a few sets of clothes thanks to Jason, but he'd washed his clothes in the bathroom so many times that it was just habit. It also calmed him a little; it gave him something else to think about besides how fucked his life had been, and how hard it was going to be from here out.

He draped his clean clothes over the shower rail and went back out to the bedroom. He couldn't quiet his mind, couldn't stop his mind from sliding toward Jason. Eventually he decided there wasn't much more to do today, and almost two hours had passed. He opened the mini bar and looked at the small bottle of vodka. He didn't have any money left, he'd spent the last of it on groceries the night before, so there was no way to pay for the vodka. He didn't let that stop him though, he'd write down the address of the hotel and when he got a job, whenever that was, he'd send them a little money to cover the vodka and maybe some interest. He plucked the tiny bottle off the shelf, twisted the cap off and downed it in one swallow. After that was done, he sat on the bed and decided that since there was nothing else to do, he may as well go back to sleep. He was just about to lie back on the bed when the phone rang. Nate looked at the phone for a long moment. Jason had programmed his new number into the address book and his name was displayed on the caller ID screen. He thought about dropping the phone into the toilet, but it was Jason. Jason was calling him, and Nate had never been able to tell Jason no.

He picked up the phone and held it to his lips with his eyes closed as he thought about whether or not to answer it. Just before the forth ring, when the voicemail would answer the call, Nate pressed the button and lifted the phone to his ear. "Hey," he said softly.

"Hey," Jason replied just as quietly, "Heard you got out."

Nate nodded even though Jason couldn't see it. "Yeah."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks," Nate replied. Talking to Jason hadn't felt awkward or forced since just after Jason had come back from his Aunt and Uncle's house, but this was different. He'd thought he'd said goodbye with the letter, but now Jason was calling him. If he'd have been a stronger person, he wouldn't have answered the call, but Jason had always been Nate's weakness.

"Where are you?" Jason asked, sounding a little bit more like his normal self, although his voice was still quiet and he sounded unsure.

"I'm not sure I should tell you."

"Why? Is it bad?"

"No!" Nate said loudly, feeling sort of offended.

"Then why won't you tell me?"

"You got my note, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then you should know why I shouldn't tell you."

"Do you want to come over?"

Nate sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. "You weren't supposed to ask me that," he said.

"Nate," Jason said, almost sternly. "Do. You. Want. To. Come over?"

"Yes," Nate said and hated himself for the weakness. Jason was just another drug he was addicted to.  
One he could never refuse.

"Tell me where you are and I'll pick you up."

"Holiday Inn," Nate told him without even a moment's hesitation.

"Oh, good choice," Jason commented.

"Thanks, I kind of just ran into it. Well, you know, I didn't run into it, like into the side of the building. I was... I was... well, I was freaking out and I ran into the first building I saw. It could have been a grocery store or a library or a church and I wouldn't have minded. As it stands, it was a hotel and that was good. But now I'm broke."

"Am I going to need to pay for your time there?"

"No, I paid. In fact, I have two days left," Nate said feeling a little smug.

"In that case, maybe I should just pack a bag then."

"Huh?" Nate asked, confused.

"Well, you paid, we should use your time."

"Oh, okay."

"Which Holiday Inn are you at?"

"Um..." he looked out the window again and shrugged, "There's a church across the street."

"Um..."

"Hang on," Nate picked up the house phone and dialed the front desk. He asked the clerk for the address of the hotel and then relayed it to Jason.

"Okay," Jason said softly. "I'll be there in twenty minutes. Do you want anything?"

"Yeah, pizza would be fabulous."

"You got it."

Nate was smiling when he hung up the phone, he hadn't wanted Jason to call and he certainly hadn't wanted to invite him over. Jason just had an unnatural hold over Nate, and he was powerless to it.  
He was about to get up and brush his teeth when the phone rang again, the caller ID displayed Jason's name. "Hey," he said as he answered the phone again.

"Hey," Jason replied. "Um... what room?"

"Oh, right. 124," Nate told him.

"Ok, I'll be there in a little bit."

"Okay, see you soon."

Once the phone was hung up again, Nate sat on the edge of the bed. 'What the fuck am I doing?' he wondered. He was supposed to be saying good-bye to Jason, not inviting him into his hotel room. This would get out of hand and before either of them knew it, they'd be in bed together and Nate's plan to let Jason live his life would be history.

He sighed as he pushed up off the bed. He supposed there wasn't anything to do now except be strong when Jason got there. He pushed the vodka bottle down into the bottom of the trashcan and then brushed his teeth. He hadn't been in rehab for alcohol, but he wanted Jason to be proud of him. He didn't want to disappoint him any more than he already had.

oOo  
Jason was going on pure inertia until he parked in the hotel lot, a box of pizza in the passenger seat and his duffel in the back. Only once the car was off and Jason sat for a moment, listening to the engine tick, did he stop and think about things again. He'd said he was done, and he meant it, but if Nate could get through rehab, then maybe he really could change his life. Jason had to give Nate that chance. He'd loved him for too long to just give up.

Finally, Jason got out of the car, got the pizza and his bag, and walked into the hotel. The woman behind the counter barely glanced at him, but Jason knew where he was going. He stopped outside of Nate's room, took a deep breath, and knocked on the door.

The door opened a moment later, and there was Nate. Even after months, Jason's chest still tightened whenever he saw him; like part of him still wasn't sure he was actually there again. "Hey," Jason said and hefted the pizza box. "Special delivery."

Nate chuckled, "is it special because I get to keep the delivery boy?"

Nate moved aside and Jason smiled as he stepped into the room. "How are you?"

Nate shrugged and watched as Jason put his stuff down. "Fine I guess. Other than wondering what I'm going to do with my life."

Jason sat on the side of the bed and nodded. "I'll help you with that." It was the only thing Jason was sure he would do; taking Nate back was dependant on it and on Nate staying clean, but he was still Jason's friend, and Jason certainly wasn't going to leave Nate out on his ass. If Nate couldn't find an apartment and a job, staying clean was going to be extremely difficult.

Nate took the pizza from Jason and put it on the night stand before opening it and taking a piece. "I'd appreciate that," he replied before taking a bite of his food.

Jason wondered when they'd become so formal, but then again he had broken up with Nate. Any interaction was bound to be awkward after that. "So I've been thinking about everything," he said quietly as Nate sat next to him on the bed. "I've loved you for too long, and I think I need you in my life."

Nate paused between bites and looked at Jason with wide eyes. "What are you saying?" he asked carefully.

Jason sighed. "I want you back, but there's some things we need to talk about."

Nate nodded slowly. "Okay."

Given the opening, Jason wasn't sure where to begin. "What happened?" he finally asked. "I went to my aunt and uncle's and nothing was the same after that. Then you were arrested and then you moved, and I really have no idea what happened after that and how you ended up here in your life."

Nate stared at the bedspread for a moment, his pizza sagging a little in his hand. "Okay," he said again, "you deserve the whole story."

For the next hour, Jason listened intently as Nate told him everything; the real story behind his arrest, his father killing his mother, running, hitching, the prostitution ring, Cam and his mother, more hitching, the drugs and the sex, all of it. By the end Jason's skin was crawling with the need to pull Nate close and never let him go, to figure out how to erase all the terrible things from Nate's memory. "Wow," he finally breathed, when Nate got to the part where Jason found him in the Pegasus Club.

"Yeah," Nate sighed heavily.

There was a very heavy silence for a few minutes while Jason digested everything. He couldn't believe everything Nate had gone through, and not just at the hands of his parents. Total strangers had been taking advantage of Nate for years, and Jason wanted to kill them all.

"So," Nate finally spoke, pulling Jason out of his thoughts, "you said there was some things we needed to talk about."

Jason nodded. "Yeah. If this happens, it's not going to be fast. I think we need to approach this like we met as adults. I'll help you get an apartment; I don't want you to worry about that. Once you find a job you can pay the rent, but I want you to be able to focus on getting a job and holding it down without having to worry about where the rent money will come from every month."

"Jason, I can't ask you to do that," Nate shook his head, but Jason touched his leg.

"You're not asking me. I'm telling you. I want you to be able to focus on getting a job. We'll look at apartments tomorrow and see what we can find. I'll help you with job applications, the whole thing. But I need to know that you can do this. We can't just move in together again. I need to know that I can trust you to resist the temptation, that you want this, want me, as much as I want you. We'll have separate homes, we'll date, and once I know you can do this, we'll talk about moving forward."

Nate stared at him for a long moment before nodding. "I do want this. I want you more than anything else, Jason. I can agree to those terms."

Jason smiled and leaned in to kiss Nate softly. "I love you. You know that right? It'll never change."

"I know," Nate smiled. "I still think you'd be better off without me, but I never could say no to you."

Jason chuckled. "I may be more stable, but I'd never be better off without you. You make me complete in a way no one else ever could."

Nate blushed a little and looked away, but Jason could see the pleased smile curling the sides of his mouth.

oOo

The first apartment they looked at, Nate turned down flat because the bedroom had a lovely view of the side of the neighboring building. The second he turned down because there was a questionable stain on the living room wall; he thought it looked a little too much like blood for him to be comfortable. Jason hadn't argued. The third one they looked at, Jason was the one who turned Nate around and pushed him out of the building because the man across the hall was pounding on the door calling his wife some very colorful names. The fourth one had a man in the office that looked about as anti-gay as anything Nate had ever seen. He'd explained to Jason that he'd met several people and could just tell a gay basher from a mile away.

At the end of Nate's last two days in the hotel, he wasn't any closer to having an apartment than he'd been when they started looking. "Jason, I swear I'm not turning these places down just so I can stay with you," Nate said as he spread the sheet over Jason's couch.

"I know, Nate," Jason replied and sat down on Nate's freshly made bed. "I trust that you have reasons for the decisions you're making."

Nate sighed and sat down on the couch beside Jason. "I do. I'm taking this very seriously." He took a deep breath before focusing all of his attention on Jason. "I've lost you enough, I don't want to do it again."

"You never really lost me, Nate."

"No, Jason, I did. But I have you back in my life now and I'm not going to do anything to mess that up."

Jason smiled and leaned in a little closer. "I know. I believe you. Now, you know you don't have to sleep on the couch, right?"

Nate smiled and kissed Jason softly, just a barely there brush of lips. "It's the best place for me right now. We don't want to get ahead of ourselves."

Jason sighed and patted Nate's knee. "I love you."

"I know. Now we have apartments to look at tomorrow, we should get some sleep."

Jason nodded and kissed Nate again. "Good night, Nate."

"Night, Jason," Nate replied and tucked himself in. He watched as Jason went into the bedroom and closed the door. Being separated from him hurt, but Nate was trying to make the right decisions and he supposed that sometimes, the right decisions hurt more than the wrong ones. At least he knew he was doing it right this time.

—-

"This is a nice looking building," Nate said as Jason pulled into the lot of another apartment complex.

"We're running out of places in the area, Nate," Jason replied as he pressed the intercom button. "But, at least this place has a locked entrance; maybe security is a little better."

"Maybe," Nate said as the door was buzzed open and they knocked on the office door.

The man who opened the door was a well dressed half bald man wearing thin glasses. "Hello," he said cheerfully. "My name is Richard Woolsey. Welcome to Athos Suites, you must be..." He looked at the piece of paper in his hand, "Nate and Jason."

"That'd be us," Nate said and Jason poked him in the side.

"What?" Nate asked in a whisper.

"Be nice," Jason whispered back.

Nate opened his mouth to reply but just nodded instead. "Okay."

"The available apartment is on the fourth floor," Woolsey said as he pulled a large ring of keys off a  
hook. "If you'd like to follow me."

Nate followed the man to the elevator with Jason close behind him. The building was certainly nicer than any they'd been in before. There were fake plants all over the place and Woolsey seemed like a nice enough man to be paying rent to. Even the elevator was nice, the carpet was clean and there weren't any pieces missing from the paneling. Nate felt pretty good about this place.

"Our tenants are all pretty quiet," Woolsey said as he pressed the button for the fourth floor and the doors closed. "I rarely get complaints from anyone about noise or constant traffic. Everyone seems pretty respectful of their neighbors, and I'm pleased to say that I know everyone living here by their first and last name. As we pass the doors on the fourth floor I could easily tell you who lives in each one, but of course I won't do that. I take everyone's privacy very seriously."

"Well that's good to know," Nate said.

"I'd have to agree," Jason said as they stepped out of the elevator and followed Woolsey down the hall.  
Nate stopped three doors down the hall and tilted his face up. The smell was all too familiar and it was obvious by the way Jason had just walked through it that he either hadn't smelled it or he hadn't recognized it. He wanted to get Jason's attention, but his stomach was rolling already and he could feel the sweat prickling on his forehead. He wanted it and he'd be able to follow his nose straight to it.

Instead, he turned around without saying anything to Jason. He pressed the elevator button and when it didn't open immediately he pushed his way through the door that led to the stairs. He ran down, skipping two steps at a time until he was out on the street taking deep breaths of fresh air. He was pacing beside the car when Jason came bursting through the door.

"What the fuck, Nate?" Jason asked, throwing his arms out to his sides and staring at Nate.  
Nate just looked back, his stomach was calming down a bit, but he still wanted to run back into the building, go up to the fourth floor and find whoever had it. "There was coke in that building, Jason, I smelled it," he explained.

Jason pulled the keys out of his pocket and walked around the car. "Get in," he said as he unlocked the doors. Nate didn't argue, he just got in and then they were driving. At the first red light, Jason swerved into the right lane and turned, he did the same at the second red light. He was driving faster than he ever had with Nate in the car, and Nate knew it was because Jason was getting him as far away as possible as fast as possible. After almost half an hour, Jason finally slowed down and pulled over. "Nate," he said, his voice a little shaky.

"Yeah?" Nate asked, terrified that he'd somehow done something wrong. He looked at Jason and saw that he was still gripping the wheel and just staring out the window. After a long silent moment, Jason looked at him and his eyes were a little shiny.

"I'm so proud of you," He said with a small smile. "You could have chosen that apartment no matter what was wrong with it, but you chose not to. You really are taking this seriously."

"I told you I was, Jason. You mean more to me than anything else in the world."

"I know, and I trusted you before but... Nate, today you gave me irrefutable proof that you do want this as much as I do."

Nate couldn't find the words he needed; he wasn't sure what he'd say even if he did have words. Finally he smiled and touched Jason's leg, it was all he could offer at the moment, and the smile on Jason's face said that it was enough.

—-

Nate buried his head in his hands as Jason pulled into another parking lot. "This is ridiculous," he mumbled as he rubbed his face.

"Don't lose heart, Nate," Jason said, rubbing Nate's shoulder. "We'll find the right place for you. It might end up being a little further away than we anticipated, but it's worth the drive to have you in a good place."

Nate sighed and nodded, "Yeah, but you know it's all the bad places that have cheaper rent."  
"Nate I don't want you to worry about that."

"I know you said you'd pay my rent until I get a job, but really, Jason, look at this place. It's really nice, even from the outside. I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get a job that pays well enough for me to afford a place like this."

"We haven't even looked at it yet. Just because it's a nice building doesn't necessarily mean it's going to have outrageous rent. Even if it does, as long as you have and keep a job, I really won't mind helping you out with rent."

"How much of a responsible adult can I be if I'm getting rent help from my boyfriend?"

"You're a recovering addict. You've gone through and completed rehab, you're looking at apartments and thinking about jobs. That right there makes you a responsible adult, it's not all about how rent gets paid or where the money comes from as long as you have a legitimate job and are living your life the way it should be lived. You have so much potential; I've known that since the first time I met you. Trust me, I'm not going to feel like I'm being used or that my money is being wasted if I'm helping you be the person you deserve to be. I love you, and anything is worth having you in my life. I mean shit, Nate, you've changed yourself for me, you had looked for me for ten years and were just about to walk away without what you wanted and you were doing that for me. The least I can do to show you how much I appreciate that is give you a little help when you need it. I'd give you anything, you have to know that."

Nate nodded and took Jason's hand, brought it to his lips and kissed the back. "I do know that, Jason, and I want you to know that I'm not ever going to take advantage of that again. I want you in my life and I'm going to do whatever I have to do to keep you." He sighed and opened the car door, "Now let's go in and look at this place before they think we're casing it."

Jason laughed softly and got out of the car.

—-

The man who opened the locked door was a massive hulk of a man, and Nate felt a little bit intimidated just by the size of him. He looked like some of the guys he'd hung out with on the beach in Florida, the dark skin and dreadlocks made him think of some of his old drug buddies, but he pushed that thought aside; he shouldn't judge books by their covers after all. Not many people had actually pegged him for an addict because he kept his hair short and neat, so maybe this mountain of a man wasn't a user. He did have a job and that was a definite plus.

His voice was deep and rumbling and Nate almost felt his chest vibrate with it when he spoke. "Yeah?"  
"Um, you have an apartment available?" Nate asked.

"Yeah," the man replied.

"Can we look at it?"

"Come on," he said and led Nate and Jason into the building. Nate got the impression that he was a man of very few words, which he thought really wouldn't bother him. He wasn't sure how much he'd be wanting to chat for the next while. "I'm Ronon, Ronon Dex," the man said as they stood in the foyer of the lobby. The building was cool and just dim enough to be extremely comfortable. There was a distinct lack of the plastic plants that had been all over the place in all the other apartment complexes they'd looked at. The lobby kind of reminded Nate of the area at the front of the Holiday Inn he'd stayed at. There was a large flat screen TV on the wall and several chairs sat in various places around the room. There was some sort of sport playing on the TV but no one was in the lobby besides the three of them.  
"This is a nice place," Jason said as Ronon came back out of the office he'd gone into a moment earlier.  
"We have some rules here at Seteda," Ronon said as he led them down a hall and to a set of elevators. "The biggest rule is absolutely no drugs. That rule is non-negotiable and breaking that rule is automatic eviction without warning. If I even think you're bringing drugs into the building you will be told to leave, you will pack your shit and be gone within two hours. If you don't, you'll be forcibly removed and anything in the apartment will be auctioned off for charity."

"I can live with that," Nate said.

"Good. That's really the only rule, aside from general human respect. You will respect everyone's privacy, you will also respect everyone's space. That includes the space their ears inhabit. Everyone likes music, but everyone doesn't like the same music. If your neighbors complain of too much noise, you'll be warned once. The second warning will be in writing. If there is a third warning, it's done with an eviction notice. This is my building and everyone in it will follow my rules or they can get out."

They stopped on the third floor and walked down the hall to apartment number 313. Ronon unlocked the door and swung it open.

Nate smiled as soon as he walked in; the large picture window looked out at the highway. He couldn't hear the cars with the window closed but he could almost guarantee that he would be able to if he opened a window. The living room was fully furnished, the kitchen was off to the left with a small dining area just outside of that. It had an open plan so Nate would be able to look out the window no matter where he was in the apartment. There were two doors on the right, both were standing open and showed a bathroom and a bedroom.

"You can look around," Ronon said and Nate didn't hesitate. The bathroom was small, but it had a tub and a shower, the wall paper was a textured off white which made him happy. Most of the bathrooms they looked at had a floral print that had instantly made him want to throw up.

The bedroom was the only area of the apartment that was carpeted, and it was a soft gray fiber. The walls were white and Nate estimated that the bed was at least a king size. The best part was that one of the bedroom windows also faced the highway.

"What do you think?" Ronon asked.

"Nate," Jason spoke up, "won't this be too loud with the highway right there? Maybe we should ask if he has something on the other side."

"No, Jason, this is perfect. I want this place, if for no other reason than that it does face the highway."

"Well, I'm glad you like it, because seriously, Nate, this is the building you're living in."

"Absolutely," Nate replied and turned toward Jason. "I just got out of Phoenix and a building with a strict no drug policy is most definitely where I want to be."

Nate flinched and looked at Ronon when he felt the man give him a light punch to the arm.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"Most of the tenants in this building have been through Phoenix, myself included. It's a safe place and most of us used to live with that same monkey. This is the place for you, welcome home, Nate."

Nate smiled and looked at Jason for a moment before turning back to Ronon. "Thank you, Ronon. Do I have to sign some papers or something?"

"Yeah, I have them down in the office. Fill out the application, sign it and pay the deposit and the first month's rent and the place is yours."

"Let's get that taken care of then," Jason said with the biggest smile Nate had ever seen him wear.  
He felt good, he'd not only found an apartment, but it was a nice one, and he couldn't have asked for a better place to be besides with Jason. For the first time in his life, Nate felt like things might actually stand a chance of being okay.

oOo  
Jason sat outside Nate's apartment building for a long moment, trying to decide if he should go up. He hadn't called to say he was coming, and he didn't want to give Nate the impression that he was randomly checking to see if he was 'behaving.' Jason just wanted to see him. It had been a few days; Jason had been so wrapped up with a new design project that he'd barely come home to sleep, let alone anything else. Finally he got out of his car and made his way to the door. Ronon buzzed him in and nodded at him; he wasn't a big talker, but he was a good guy and Jason felt comfortable with Nate living here. Jason nodded back as he walked to the elevator.

Jason used his copy of the key and let himself in to Nate's apartment. He found Nate sitting on his couch, head in his hands and leaning over a paper on the coffee table. "What's wrong?" Jason asked, instantly concerned. He quickly crossed the room and sat next to Nate. "Nate? What's happened?"

Nate looked up at him and sighed. "Nothing, don't worry, it's just these stupid job applications."

Jason sagged in relief, laughing at himself for thinking something had happened. Nate would have called him. He slipped an arm around Nate and kissed him. "What can I do to help?"

"I don't know what I'm doing wrong," Nate grumbled, leaning against Jason snugly. "I put in applications, I call them every day, and I still never get called for an interview. I think I'm doing something wrong. I think they're looking at my application and trashing it."

"Think about how many people are looking for work, Nate," Jason reminded him. "I don't think they're not even considering you. Here, let's see." He leaned forward and snagged the half filled out application from the table. "Burger King?" Jason asked.

"What?" Nate snapped, "I have to work somewhere."

"No, no I wasn't saying it in a bad way," Jason squeezed Nate tighter. "Okay, applicable skills."

"I have no applicable skills," Nate grunted. "The fast food places are the ones who hire the pimply teenagers, aren't they? How come they can get a job and I can't?"

Jason kissed Nate again. "We'll find you something. What are you good at doing?"

Nate thought about that for a moment. "I can fix things," he finally said. "Momma Mitchell's farm was full of broken things and it never took me too long to figure out how to get them working again."

"Have you looked into maintenance type jobs?"

"Yeah, they all want experience or certified training," Nate replied tiredly and Jason could see dark circles under his eyes.

"You haven't been sleeping well?" he asked, leaning back on the couch and pulling Nate with him.

"Too frustrated," Nate curled up in the cushions and cuddled close. "I hate that you're paying my way. It's not just the rent either. You're paying utilities, groceries, all of it."

Jason understood the frustration. He didn't think he'd be too happy if the situations were reversed. "I know, Nate," he sighed, "but it would be even worse if I wasn't helping you. You can pay me back," he offered. He didn't really mean it, but if it would help get Nate out of his funk, then it was fine with Jason.

"I'll do that then," Nate said stubbornly.

Jason smiled, tilted Nate's chin up and kissed him. "Okay then."

"Good," Nate replied, but he was smiling, and he'd relaxed a little so Jason counted it as a win.

oOo

Nate looked at the door for a long time; Jason had a key so it wasn't him knocking. No one ever visited Nate, no one who knocked anyway. He'd been living in the apartment for a couple of months now and no one had ever knocked on his door. Eventually, Nate got off the couch and went to answer the door.  
"Hey," Ronon said when the door was open.

"Hey," Nate replied, a little confused. "I haven't broken any of the rules."

"I know that," Ronon said. "Tell me, were you in Phoenix for alcohol?"

Nate just stared at him for a minute and wondered what exactly had prompted that particular question.  
"No," he finally answered. "No, just drugs."

"Good," Ronon said and leaned over to get something that had probably been sitting beside the door.  
"In that case, can I come in?" Ronon held up a six pack of beer and Nate smiled.

"Come on in," he said and stepped aside. "What brings you by? Just needed a drinking buddy?"

Ronon shook his head as he took the beer to the kitchen and stored it in the refrigerator, then brought out two open bottles. He carried them over to the couch, turned on the TV and flipped through the channels until he found what he wanted and finally he turned toward Nate who was still standing at the open door. "You gonna come sit down? This is your place dude; it should be you asking me that question."

"Oh, right," Nate replied, closing the door before he went over and sat beside Ronon. It was almost one in the morning and Nate really had no idea what Ronon was doing there. He watched the men on the screen run back and forth for awhile. Some were kicking the ball like soccer and some were carrying it like football. "Why don't you just watch football or soccer?" Nate finally asked.

Ronon looked at him like he'd just asked him if he wanted to smoke a bowl. Nate drew back just a bit and raised his eyebrows in question. "Rugby is so much better than both football and soccer combined, Nate," he answered.

"It kind of looks like football and soccer combined, really."

Ronon furrowed his brow and glared at Nate.

"So, uh, what did I do?" Nate asked.

"Huh?"

"You're here in the middle of the night, I must have done something. You saw when you came in that the Tv was off and so was the radio. The only noise is maybe the highway, but that shouldn't make anyone complain since if they can hear it from my apartment they can hear it from theirs."

"Nate," Ronon said and held up a hand. "You haven't done anything."

"Okay, then..."

"Alright, the truth is this," Ronon said, never really taking his eyes off the TV screen. "You've been living here for two months, I know Jason is paying your rent, and that's fine. That's not what I'm here about, but you go out there every day and you come back with application after application. I've seen you go from looking hopeful about your new life to looking a little disappointed and sometimes, Nate, you look downright depressed. I've been in your situation, and it's not a fun place to be. I know what you're feeling."

Nate shook his head, "No offence, Ronon, but I'm not really sure you do. Look at you; you are the owner and manager of a really nice building. You're raking in the dough from your tenants, and you're giving them all the support and guidance they need to get through the tough post rehab stage of their life. I don't doubt that you went through Phoenix and I don't doubt that you were addicted to drugs. But while there isn't much difference between a rich addict and a poor addict besides only one of them has to sell their sex to get the drugs, there is a huge difference between rich and poor when it comes to a _recovering_ addict. I'm not trying to imply that you bought your way to recovery, but you obviously didn't have it as hard as I'm having it right now."

"I know that you're feeling a little desperate right now; I've had similar conversations to this one several times. That's why I'm not taking offence to the things you just said. I know that if you weren't struggling you never would have said that stuff."

Nate sighed and nodded. "You're probably right, but the fact of the matter is, Ronon; I appreciate everything you're doing, but all I ever really needed in my life was Jason. That's what got the drugs started in the first place. If I hadn't lost him, everything would have been okay, but things just went so massively wrong with my life that the first time I found that escape, I ran with it. You can't really know what that feels like." Nate took his beer off the table and drank half of it in one long swallow. "Seriously, you're looking at the man who has lived through the worst life ever."

"My parents were murdered," Ronon said as if he were telling Nate that it was raining or that the sky was blue and the grass was green. "They were murdered, right in front of me. I was eighteen years old; too young to really know how to live on my own and too old to go into foster care. I had to make it on my own. I wasted most of the money from my parent's life insurance policy on drugs. When I turned twenty-five, I found out that my parents had a trust fund in my name that I would receive when I was thirty years old as long as I was living a good life. I found Doc Beckett. He'd just opened the Phoenix rehabilitation hospital. I was one of his first patients. He helped me get clean, then he helped me stay clean. When I got the trust money, I bought this building, made it better and opened it to honor my parent's memory. I also wanted to help people like you the way Doc Beckett helped me. That's why Seteda is here, the only reason it exists."

Nate could feel himself paling by the second as Ronon told his story, and when he had finished, Nate wasn't sure he even knew how to reply. "Okay," he said finally, "I suppose the worst life ever depends on the person living that life. But really, Ronon, it would have been the biggest favor anyone could ever have given me if my parents had been murdered, in front of me or not."

Ronon nodded, "I think I understand. You and Jason knew each other when you were kids?"  
"He has been the only good thing in my life and I spent several years searching for him. I found him and almost lost him again. It was Carson that helped me keep that from happening. Carson... and you. I'm not really sure how to thank you, Ronon."

Ronon gave him a small smile; the first sign Nate had ever seen that told him that Ronon might really be a human after all. Then they fell into a long silence where Ronon watched the game and Nate picked at a loose thread on his jeans.

"So," Ronon said after a while. "How's the job search going? That's what I originally came by to ask."

"Oh, well, it's not actually. I'm beginning to think that I'm not ever going to find a job. I've filled out ten billion applications and I never get called in for an interview. Jason says that's because there are a lot of people looking for work, but I've put in so many applications. The chances of me not getting any interviews aren't very good, which means I'm just not the kind of person people want to have working for them."

"You need experience," Ronon said.

"I know, and I don't have any. I can't get any because I don't have a job and I can't get a job because I don't have experience. It's a ridiculous cycle and I hate it." Nate downed the rest of his beer in one large gulp, went to the kitchen for another and then flopped down beside Ronon again and drank half of it.

"Well, what kind of skills do you have?"

"None... well, not unless you want a really great blow job, but even then... I don't do that anymore. I'm only for Jason now."

"Well, that's good to know, and even if you were really offering I'm afraid I'd have to turn you down."  
Nate nodded and took another drink. "I had you pegged for at least bi-sexual... but no?"

Ronon laughed and shook his head. "No, I'm strictly heterosexual, although I do apologize for denying you my hot body."

Nate couldn't help but laugh. Ronon was one of the coolest straight people he'd ever met, Cam was the other. "Yeah, that is too bad, I know a guy who would love to roll around with you."

"Tell him I'm sorry to have broken his heart."

"Yeah, I think he'll live."

"Anyway, you have to have other skills besides giving great head. What else did you do while you were on the road?"

Nate thought about it for a moment, but really all he had done was fuck people for the money he needed to buy drugs. The only time he hadn't done that was when... "Oh right, I can fix things. It actually comes pretty naturally to me, I just kind of look at it and it comes to me."

Ronon smiled and nodded. "That's a great skill to have."

"Yeah, but without a degree or any experience the skill isn't going to get me a job."

"But it just did."

"What?" Nate asked and glared at Ronon.

"I need a maintenance man. Things don't usually break around here, but sometimes we get clogged drains or jammed garbage disposals. Windows get stuck sometimes. It doesn't happen often enough for me to hire an outside party, especially since I'm so protective of my tenants. You'd be perfect for the job though, I'd pay you, and you'd have an official job to put down on your applications. I'll also give you a good reference if any prospective employers call."

Nate just stared at him for a long time, but Ronon just nodded and turned back to the TV. He could hardly believe that he was actually being offered a job, a paying job, and he could keep his pants on the entire time. "Ronon," he finally said and Ronon looked at him. "I don't... I'm not sure I even know how to thank you for that."

"So you'll take the job?"

"Hell yeah I'll take the job! Thank you!"

Ronon smiled and shook his hand. "Alright then. Come down to the office first thing Monday morning and we'll talk about everything." Ronon finally drank his beer and then got up. He turned and gave Nate a quick half salute before letting himself out of the apartment.

Nate's heart was racing; he couldn't even believe what had just happened. He had to tell Jason and he didn't think he'd make it until morning if he didn't tell him this very moment.

"What's the matter?" Jason asked urgently when the line picked up.

"I have a job, Jason!" Nate almost shouted. He flopped down onto the bed and stared at the ceiling, his breathing was still heavy and fast, his mind was racing at ten thousand miles a minute.

"Seriously?" Jason asked and Nate could hear him getting off the bed and pacing back and forth.  
"Where? How? With who? Nate, you have to tell me everything."

"Here. I don't know. And with Ronon." Nate said before filling Jason in on the entire story.

"Oh my god, Nate! That's fantastic! I'm so proud of you."

The conversation went on just as frantically for a little while longer until Jason started sounding like he was running out of steam. Nate decided to take pity on his lover.

"Why don't you come over tomorrow and we'll talk about it all over again," Nate offered.

"Alright, I'll be there fifteen minutes after I wake up."

"Why fifteen minutes?" Nate asked.

"Nate, you got offered a job at one in the morning, and it had absolutely nothing to do with anything that happened in your past. I fully intend to fuck you stupid tomorrow and I'd like to take a shower beforehand."

Nate laughed, "In that case, I should probably take a shower too."

"It might be nice," Jason suggested.

"Good night, Jason. I love you," Nate said with a smile.

"Night, Nate, I love you too. See you in the morning."

"I won't bother getting dressed," Nate offered.

"That's probably for the best. In fact, take your shower tonight so you don't even have to get out of bed tomorrow."

"That sounds like a plan."

"See you tomorrow."

"I'll be waiting." Nate hung up the phone and stared at the ceiling for another moment, thinking about the way things were starting to go for him. He was happy, at that moment he was happier than he had ever been in his entire life. Eventually he got up and headed to the bathroom for his shower. He intended to be showered, shaved and lubed and prepared for Jason when he arrived in the morning.

oOo  
Jason had never been to Halling's Grill before that night, but he'd heard great things about it, so it seemed like a perfect spot to take Nate out on their date. It was still strange to him, that they were actually dating, but he was the one who suggested it in the first place. Nate seemed to be taking it in stride. Their waitress, Teyla, brought them their meals. "Oh god," Jason sighed happily as he bit into his steak. It practically melted in his mouth, flavor exploding all over his taste buds.

Jason opened eyes he didn't remember closing and saw Nate staring at him. "That good, huh?" Nate asked with a smirk.

"Oh yeah," Jason grinned. "So I came by yesterday, did Ronon tell you?"

"Oh no," Nate groaned, but his lips kept twitching towards a smile, which was good because Jason couldn't stop smirking.

"He said you were working and I shouldn't bother you. That the _last_ thing I wanted to do was to go down into the basement and bother you." Jason nudged Nate's ankle with his foot. "I've never seen Ronon laugh, and I still haven't, but his eyes were all crinkly. What the hell were you doing?"

"The little girl in 310," Nate sighed. "She dropped her favorite toy into the-"

"Wait," Jason held up a hand. "Is this a sewer story? Because if so let's not talk about it over dinner."

Nate shook his head. "Surprisingly no it's not that. She dropped this, this little figurine thing, into the air intake. So they called me and I came up and couldn't find anything but the little girl, Nina, she wouldn't stop crying, wouldn't stop asking me to please save Thomas O'Malley." Nate shrugged. "I couldn't tell her no."

Jason felt a rush of warmth in his chest and he smiled fondly at the man across from him. Nate had come so far, and while he'd always been a caring person, Jason was so relieved to see him coming back to that. "So you end up chasing this thing all the way to the basement?"

"Oh yeah," Nate sighed. "Somehow the fucker had bounced all the way down there but had gotten stuck about three feet before the filters. So I had to open it all up, take out the filters, and _crawl_ into the ducts. Ronon had come down there with me, so then he got to hear me scream like a girl."

At Jason's questioning look, Nate shivered. "Rats, Jas. There was a freaking rat nest in the vent. I got in there and they just poured out. So we called an exterminator and while we were waiting for him I had the joyous job of cleaning out the nest. I finally found Nina's toy, along with quite a few other things that had apparently been missing for ages. So yeah. That's what I was doing yesterday."

"Wow," Jason laughed, "Ronon was right then. You didn't get bit did you?"

"No, I didn't," Nate said, a little surprised. "I have no idea why."

"Well I'm glad you didn't," Jason chuckled.

When the check arrived, Nate snatched it up before Jason could. "I got it," he said, smiling.

Jason swallowed; he knew full well this place wasn't exactly cheap. "Nate," he started, but Nate shook his head.

"I got it," he insisted as he opened up the book and looked down at the bill. Jason watched his eyes widen, but he took out his newly acquired bank card and put it in the book without further comment.

Jason wanted to take the bill away, wanted to insist on getting the bill himself, but there was something about the way Nate was holding himself that stopped Jason from saying anything. Once Teyla returned with the receipt, Nate pocketed it quickly and stood up. "Ready?" he asked.

"Yeah," Jason smiled.

They ended up back at Nate's, and it was easy to bypass the couch entirely and go straight to bed. Sex with Nate always made Jason feel like he was dying and coming to life at the same time; it was different than it had ever been with anyone else. Nate didn't want Jason to be still and take it, he wanted Jason to touch, to be on top sometimes, to make sex into a living, burning thing between them. Jason hadn't realized how subdued he'd become in bed until Nate brought him back out of his shell. He'd forgotten that he used to be loud, that he left nail marks on his lovers. Nate loved it, loved everything Jason gave him and wanted more.

He stayed the night, after; the two of them sweaty and sticky and curled around each other, the sheets tangled in their legs, and Jason watched Nate sleep. The ghosts of Nate's past weighed him down every day, but sleep smoothed Nate's face out, left him peaceful. Jason wanted to memorize every feature, every line and scar. He trailed his fingers through Nate's hair and down across his temple. They'd both come so far and seen so much in their lives, and now they were together again. Jason knew that he would never, _never_ , let Nate go again.

Nate stirred and blinked sleepy eyes up at Jason. "Sleep," he mumbled, snuggling closer and closing his eyes again. Jason smiled and buried his nose in Nate's hair before doing what he was told.

oOo

"Hey, Jason," Nate said into the phone. He'd just finished changing a light bulb in the hallway on the first floor and had looked at his pay check. He'd paid for dinner on their most recent date and had been feeling wonderful after that; he was finally pulling his own weight. Now rent was due again and his check wouldn't even cover half of it. He only got paid for the work he did, and work had been light lately. He'd unclogged Mr. Harrison's toilet three times in as many days, re-hung the shelf in Mrs. Young's closet once, and caulked around Ronon's bathtub. He didn't think Ronon really needed his bathtub caulked, but he appreciated the gesture. Five jobs in two weeks wasn't enough to pay the rent, so he'd called Jason.

"Hey babe, you called at a good time. I just clocked out for my lunch break."

Nate heard him light a cigarette and for the first time ever, he thought smoking sounded like a fantastic idea. He pecked on the door to Ms. Matchenbacher's apartment and made the universal sign for cigarette by flicking his thumb in front of his mouth. She smiled and handed him a smoke and a light, then he carried it outside. Ronon didn't mind smoking in the building, but he felt a little bit like a kid and he didn't want to get caught. "I got paid," Nate finally said.

"That's great. Feels good to have a regular paycheck coming in doesn't it?"

"It's not regular. That first check was great, it seemed like everything was breaking or malfunctioning. This one... not so much. I don't even have half the rent, Jason. I need a hand." He held the cigarette between his lips and lit it, taking a deep dag and pulling the smoke into his lungs. It burned like fire and he began coughing, deep painful coughs that weren't letting him get a breath in before he coughed again.

"Are you okay, Nate?" Jason asked.

"Smoking," Nate coughed into the phone.

"Smo... Nate, you hate smoking, what are you thinking?"

Finally the coughing eased up and Nate took another pull off the cigarette. It still burned but he didn't choke. "I'm standing outside my apartment building with a paycheck in my pocket and I'm asking my boyfriend to foot me three quarters of my rent." He looked at the woman who was walking by, she'd slapped her hands over her son's ears when Nate said boyfriend. "That's right lady, I said boyfriend! I'm gay, a homosexual, you better hurry and get your son tested. I might be contagious!"

"Nate, are you yelling at people walking down the street?" Jason asked.

"Yes I am, thank you very much. I said boyfriend and she covered her kids ears like if he hears about being gay it's going to happen."

"Please calm down. I already told you that I have no problems with helping you with the rent, I said that up front. And you're helping now, you're contributing and that's a huge step."

Nate sighed and took another hit of the smoke. He felt light headed and a little dizzy and he completely understood Jason's attraction to the things. "I shouldn't have yelled at that lady."

"No, you shouldn't have, but I have to admit that it was rather amusing."

"You're not helping at all, Jason."

"I know, I'm sorry. Hey, I'll come by later and we can order some food while we pay rent."

Nate chuckled but he agreed. "Love you, Jason."

"Love you too babe, see you tonight."

Nate hung up the phone and stomped his cigarette out under the heel of his shoe.

"When did you start smoking?"

Nate turned around to see Ronon standing in the doorway. "Just now. I needed something to relieve some stress and Jason always smokes more when he's stressed. I thought it was worth a try."

"Do you feel better?"

"I do actually, and also like I need to brush my teeth."

Ronon laughed. "The teeth thing, definitely caused by the cigarette, but you probably feel better because you got some frustration out on that lady."

"Fuck," Nate said and pushed past Ronon and into the lobby. He flopped down on one of the chairs and stared at the rugby match on TV. "Sorry about that, Ronon. I shouldn't scare away potential tenants."

"Nah, that woman walks past the building every day at the same time. She's never going to live here."

"Well, I'm pretty sure with me being gay, she's going to walk down the other side of the street now."

"Good, I don't want people like that in front of my place anyway."

"Anyway, I'm sorry that I caused a scene."

"Don't worry about it."

They were quiet for a little while and Nate realized that not only was he learning to understand rugby, but he was also starting to be able to follow the game. He wondered if it was actually possible to hang out with someone too much.

"So," Ronon started when a commercial came on. "I heard part of your conversation."  
Nate nodded. "I'm sure half the city did."

"I'm sorry I can't pay you more, Nate."

Nate waved a hand at Ronon and shook his head. "You're paying me, and giving me experience, that's enough."

"But it's not paying the rent, and I can tell that you're starting to feel kind of small with Jason paying all the time."

"Well wouldn't you? I'm supposed to be a responsible adult now and I can't even pay my own rent."  
Ronon sighed, "Look, I know this little guy," Nate looked at him with a raised brow. "Okay, so he's not so little, but he's little to me."

"Everyone's little to you big guy," Nate said with a smile.

"Do you want me to tell you this?"

Nate smiled again and nodded. "Sorry, please continue."

"So I know this little guy, his name is Radek and he owns a diner called PI."

"His diner is called pie? Is it a dessert diner?"

"No not pie, P.I.E." Ronon said with a chuckle. "P.I PI."

"Oh, like the number."

"Right. Anyway, he called me this morning and said he was looking for a dishwasher and asked if I knew anyone looking for a job."

"Yeah?" Nate asked, feeling excitement and hope bubbling up in his throat.

"You have an interview tomorrow at nine in the morning. He likes punctuality, so be on time. Maybe even a little early."

Nate smiled and bounced off the couch. "Ronon, I could kiss you!"

"Yeah, let's not and say we did. Besides, you haven't gotten the job yet."

"I know, but either way... thank you. You're looking out for me, Ronon and I appreciate that."

"I'd still like you to work for me too, you know. Everyone has been sending me notes telling me how good and polite you are."

"Oh of course, I wasn't going to quit. I actually like meeting everyone in the building. Ms. Matchenbacher gave me a cigarette without me even saying anything."

"She's a great lady."

"They're all great, Ronon. You and Carson... seriously, saints or something."

Ronon chuckled. "Weren't you going to call Jason and tell him about your interview?"

"Shit. Yeah I guess maybe I should. Either that, or I could save it as a big naked surprise for when he gets here tonight."

Ronon flinched and grimaced. "I didn't really need to hear that, Nate." He was laughing so Nate knew he wasn't really offended.

"You know where I am if anything else needs fixing."

"That I do, Mr. Stackhouse."

Nate felt fantastic as he hurried up the stairs to the third floor. He couldn't believe that things were finally starting to go his way.

oOo  
Jason waved at Ronon as he walked through the apartment lobby. He had a pizza box in one hand and his overnight bag slung over his shoulder. It was Thursday night, but he'd taken the next day off work and fully planned to spend a long weekend with Nate. Things had been looking up for him since he'd gotten the job at the diner, and Jason thought that a celebration was long overdue.

He fidgeted all the way up the elevator; playing with the apartment key, but finally he was outside Nate's door and his key was in the lock. "Nate?" he called as he let the door shut behind him. He dropped his bag by the door and peered into the living room.

A half empty bottle of vodka greeted him.

"Nate?" Jason called again, his heart speeding up. He heard the toilet flush and a moment later Nate appeared in the hallway.

"Hey," he grinned at Jason. "Ooh, you brought pizza."

Nate didn't seem drunk to Jason, which relieved him; obviously Nate hadn't just started in on the bottle that night. "You're drinking," he finally said.

Nate glanced over at the vodka. "You want some?"

Jason did, but that wasn't the point. "Nate, we talked about this," he said quietly, moving to crack open a window so he could smoke.

Nate watched him for a moment before sitting on the couch. "Jas, I'm not doing drugs."

"I know," Jason hurried to reassure him, "but you're drinking."

"Yeah, but the alcohol isn't what put me in the hospital."

"No," Jason agreed, "but it helped."

Nate sighed and Jason suddenly saw how tired he looked. "Yeah, I probably wouldn't have O.D.ed if I hadn't been drinking too, but Jason, I need something."

"You need something?" Jason echoed. He wasn't sure what to say and took a moment to light his cigarette and think. "Alcohol is what you need..."

"Jason," Nate cut in, "I'm working. I'm paying the bills, the rent, even buying groceries. I have a few drinks after work but I get up and go to work in the morning."

Jason looked down at his hands for a moment before looking back at Nate again. "I'm worried about this," he finally said quietly.

Nate got up and joined Jason in the armchair, the two of them squishing together in the seat meant for one. "Don't worry, babe. I won't do anything to disappoint you. I don't want to lose you again, but every time I close my eyes, I see bad things. I have no good memories except watching Transformers with you. I just need a little escape."

On the one hand, Jason understood, but the insecure part of himself wondered what he was doing wrong, that Nate still felt the need to find an escape. As far as Jason knew, Nate didn't have any new bad memories after he got out of rehab. Jess would be able to explain it, Jason was sure, but he couldn't exactly call her right then. He took another drag from his cigarette before resting his head against Nate's shoulder. "Just be careful," he finally whispered. "I love you and I don't want to see you hurt yourself."

Nate kissed the top of Jason's head. "I swear I won't," he promised. "I love you too, Jason."

Jason did have to admit that Nate didn't seem to be hitting the bottle hard; he worked on a single drink of vodka and soda for the rest of the night. By the time the pizza was gone and the crappy cable movie was over, Jason was feeling a little better about things. "So I brought a bag," he remembered after the TV was turned off. "It's by the door."

Nate grinned and kissed him. "You staying for the whole weekend?"

Jason nodded. "Yeah, as long as that's okay with you."

"Why wouldn't it be?" Nate chuckled. Jason smiled and stole a small sip of Nate's drink.

oOo

Nate jerked awake when the phone started ringing. He snatched it off the night stand and answered, "He-hello?" he asked sleepily.

"Nate, is Radek. Chuck is sick and I would like to test your skills as waiter. This is your day off, but I wanted to offer it to you first."

"Yes, I'll work Chuck's shift. When does it start?"

"Right now," Radek answered.

"Give me ten minutes for a quick shower and I'll be there."

—-

He was tired when he walked into Pi. Nate had worked the closing shift the night before and had been looking forward to a lazy day of just hanging around and doing nothing. He wasn't about to turn down an extra shift though, and even though he was tired, he was excited to be doing something other than washing dishes all day.

"Good morning, Nate," Radek said when he came out of the kitchen. "Thank you for coming in on short notice."

"No, thank you for offering it. I need the money."

"Ok, you will be working section B today. I will keep eye on you and your work. I will be judging your speed and accuracy as well as your ability to make customer happy. This is your first day as server, so I will of course give you certain amount of leniency, but I expect your best."

"You'll have it, thanks for giving me this chance, Radek."

"Please, Nate, stop thanking me. You are excellent worker and I am proud to have you working for me. Now, go put on a server's uniform, there is a clean one of your size in my office. Hurry, the morning rush is about to begin."

Nate nodded and hurried into the back office. He had to be perfect today and he knew it; if he was promoted from dishwasher to server, not only would he get a 15 cent raise, but he'd get tips as well. He'd seen Chuck, Katie, Amelia and the other servers counting their tips at the end of the night and he saw how much they pulled in on a good day. Most days were good at Pi; Radek had a steady stream of loyal customers coming through the door almost every day. If he became a server, Nate knew he might even be able to stop asking Jason to foot so much of the rent.

When he walked back out of the office, Nate was dressed in his black dress pants and white button down shirt and black bowtie and he thought he looked pretty sharp. Apparently Radek agreed because he whistled and winked at him. Nate blushed and picked up his order book as a woman came in the  
door and sat down at one of his tables.

"Good morning, ma'am, welcome to Pi. My name is Nate. What can I get you to drink?" he asked as he'd heard all the others do a thousand times. He'd never admit it, but when Jason wasn't around, Nate practiced that line just so he'd be ready for this test.

"Well aren't you polite?" the woman asked and took the menu Nate handed her. "I'll start off with a coffee and an orange juice please."

"Alright," Nate said and wrote the order. "I'll be back in just a moment." He hurried off into the kitchen, poured the juice and the coffee then took it back out. "Here you are, ma'am, would you like to order now or do you need a moment?"

"Please cut the ma'am crap, Nate. My name is Elizabeth, or Liz but never Lizzy."

"Yes, ma'am, I mean Elizabeth, are you ready?"

The woman smiled at him and folded her menu before placing her order. He wrote it down and nodded, telling her he'd be out with her meal in just a bit.

—-

Nate sighed as he leaned against the wall behind the café. He couldn't say it had been a bad day because it hadn't, but it had been long and it wasn't even lunch yet. He had just enough time for a fifteen minute breather before the first of the lunch time customers showed up. Radek had his customers down to a science; he knew what time each of them would show up and where they'd sit. Nate supposed that when you name your café after a mathematical constant it pulls in a certain type of clientele and they were apparently as reliable as the numbers in Pi.

He had just enough time to wish he had a cigarette before Katie poked her head out the back door.

"Come on, Nate, you have someone in your section."

Nate nodded and pushed off the wall. He smiled when he stepped out of the kitchen and saw Jason sitting at one of his tables, he didn't think there was a better way to start the second half of the day.  
"Hey big guy, can I take your order?" Nate said and laughed at the surprised look on Jason's face when he looked up.

"Jesus, Nate, you scared the fuck out of me."

"Sorry, but really, you're in my section. What do you want?"

"What are you doing here? It's your day off."

"I know, but Chuck's sick today and Radek asked if I wanted his shift." He leaned down a bit and  
whispered, "it's a test, so make me look good."

Jason winked and nodded. "You'll get a big tip from me."

"I'm sure I will," Nate replied and waggled his eyebrows.

"So, how about some coffee to start, and then a club sandwich-"

"Hold the lettuce, right?" Nate said with a smile.

"You got it."

Nate wrote down the order and took it to the kitchen. When he brought out Jason's coffee he saw that one of the other tables in his section had been occupied. Nate put the cup in front of Jason and went over to the two men at the other table.

"Good afterno-"

"I want water to begin with," one of the men said, cutting Nate off before he even got to tell them his name. "And if there is even the tiniest hint of lemon in it, I'll not only make sure you're fired, but I'll also have you up on charges for attempted murder."

"Um- okay," Nate said and looked at the other man. "And for you?"

The second guy seemed much nicer, he shook his head and smiled showing off beautiful white teeth. The hair on his head poked out in every direction and Nate had the ridiculous urge to touch it to see if it was as soft as it looked. "Don't mind Rodney," the man said. "He's had a bad day he had to temporarily fire a few people today and that always makes him cranky."

"I'm not cranky, John," the first man, Rodney, said.

Nate looked back and forth between them, not really sure how to handle the situation. He had Rodney's drink order but John hadn't said what he wanted. Should he go to the kitchen and get Rodney's water or wait? His heart was beating a little faster than normal; he really needed this promotion, and these two men could make that impossible if he didn't handle it right.

"I'll have a coke, light on the ice," John finally said. "And make sure there is absolutely no lemon anywhere near anything you bring to the table. Rodney is deathly allergic."

Nate nodded and wrote down the drink orders. John had been much nicer about the lemon thing, Rodney hadn't needed to threaten him. He got the water and coke and took the glasses out to the table. "Are you gentlemen ready to order?"

Rodney looked up and Nate felt his stomach twist at the look on the man's face. "I have my menu open and I'm actively looking at it, so what do you think?"

Nate sighed and apologized before walking away. Not too long ago the job wouldn't have mattered to Nate, if he even had one to begin with which he wouldn't have. During that time, he'd have pulled Rodney's smart mouthed ass right out of the chair and beaten the living shit out of him, and he had to admit that he had the urge to do just that, but he couldn't. He needed this job, and he needed the promotion, so he'd have to just take whatever shit Rodney wanted to toss in his direction.

Jason's sandwich was ready when Nate got back to the kitchen; he grabbed the plate and took it out to the table. Nate put the plate down and dropped into the seat across the table. "This shit is hard," he said as he glanced over to make sure Rodney was still looking at his menu.

"Ah, you can do it," Jason said and lightly tapped his foot against Nate's shin. "I'm very proud of you, you know. Not only do you have a job, but you're taking extra shifts."

Nate smiled, "thanks, it's all for you. Okay, well not all for you, most of it's for us. But it does feel good to be earning money the legal way."

"Jason?"

Nate looked up to see John standing beside the table.

"John?" Jason said with a wide grin.

Nate watched as Jason got out of the seat and hugged the other customer.

"How are you? What are you doing here?" Jason asked as he sat back down to his lunch.

"I'm good," John replied. His features were soft and happy and he had a small smile as he looked at  
Jason. "I'm here with my boyfriend."

Jason turned and looked in the direction John had pointed. "Rodney? Shit John, you're with Rodney McKay?"

"Yeah, how do you know him?"

"He's my boss."

Nate sat there and watched the exchange, questions forming in his mind. He wondered how Jason knew the man, obviously he wasn't a user so Nate guessed he and Jason had gone to school together.

"...Nate. He's my boyfriend," Jason said.

Nate looked up at John and shook his hand when it was offered. "Nice to meet you," he said before he stood up. "Rodney put down his menu; I'd better get over there before he ruins my chances here." He pulled out his order book and went over to the table.

Rodney looked up at him and sighed. "My... oh, John, there you are. I was about to berate our nameless waiter for trying to take my order while you were away."

"His name is Nate, Rodney. You could think about being a little nicer you know," John chided.  
Rodney lifted his chin, obviously pretending to think. "No, I don't do nice. Now make your order so I can make mine."

Nate took the order to the kitchen and leaned on the counter, thankful that no one else had come in. He wasn't sure he could handle Rodney and a bunch of other people, not on his first day anyway.  
Jason waved and Nate went out to his table to give him the check and collect his money.

"You're doing really well, Nate. Rodney is a hard son of a bitch to work for," Jason said as he handed Nate a twenty dollar bill as his tip.

"I don't think I'm doing too well. He's not been happy since he walked into the diner."

"Rodney's never happy, Nate, don't let it bother you. Besides, you can't be doing to awful, he hasn't made you cry."

"He makes people cry?" Nate asked.

"Yep, on a daily basis."

"Did he make you cry?"

"Oh yeah, a few times. But that's how he makes sure a person is worth his time. If he makes you cry and you come back, then he sees you as a keeper."

"I certainly see you as a keeper," Nate smiled and sighed when he saw Rodney's hand waving. "Okay, I'll see you tonight, I'd rather you not be here when I get my skin flayed off."

Jason chuckled and stood up. "Alright, have a good rest of the day." He kissed Nate softly and left.  
Nate watched him leave before turning and heading over to Rodney's table.

"I trust your meal was satisfactory," Nate said, as he was supposed to.

"Satisfactory, yes, outstanding most definitely not. Now I'm not going to blame you for the meal because you aren't the cook, but I'm also not going to give you a tip today, and here's why." He took a deep breath and started counting things on his fingers. "My water was not cold enough, there was a spot on my fork, you sat down at another table and had a conversation when you should have been making sure I was happy with my service, you looked longingly at John's hair, I'd be willing to let that slip except that I just saw you kiss a man that John had just been talking to. There were crumbs on the floor beneath my feet and you didn't refill my water glass promptly after it was empty. I understand, simply because Radek told me, that this is your first day as a server, so I'm not going to demand that he fire you, but I will suggest more extensive training on your part. The next time I come in here I expect to receive exemplary service from you."

Nate smiled and took the money and the bill from Rodney's hand. "Thank you, sir, and please do come again." He wasn't able to keep the sarcasm from dripping off his tone.

"You go on, Rodney, I have to use the bathroom," Nate heard John say as he was walking to the counter with Rodney's payment.

A moment later he felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned to see John standing there.

"Nate, you did great for your first day," he said and held out a fifty dollar bill. "Rodney can be a dick, but he's my dick and I love him. Even if that means I am on constant damage control. Have a good day man."

Nate nodded and watched as the man hurried out of the diner.

oOo  
"So," Nate said that evening as they were curled together on the couch. "How do you know John?"

Jason chuckled and kissed the arm Nate had slung around Jason's shoulders and chest. "He and I had a thing a few years ago. We were together almost a year. Aside from you, he's really the only good relationship I ever had."

Nate was quiet for a moment. "Why didn't you two stay together?" he finally asked.

Jason shrugged. "He started looking at houses and I freaked out. I didn't exactly realize it at the time but I think I was waiting for you."

"He was a good guy though, right?"

"Yeah," Jason glanced up at Nate. "He's great. Rodney's a lucky guy, though I bet he'll never admit that. They seem good for each other though."

"But you dumped him," Nate seemed stuck on this, and Jason wasn't sure what the issue was. "He was a great guy, amidst all these terrible relationships, and you dumped him and fell back into the old pattern."

Jason felt his body tensing and he pulled away from Nate, wanting a smoke. "Yeah," he said softly as he lit up. "When you get down to it, I guess that's the basic truth." He wasn't sure exactly what Nate was getting at, but Jason suddenly felt cold.

"You sure he was as great as you say he was?" Nate asked, reaching out to touch Jason's shoulder.

"Yes!" Jason snapped, turning to look at Nate. He wasn't sure what was on his face, but it made Nate pull his hand away. "John came into my life and I thought, 'here's a man who's clean, who's happy. He's smart, and has stupid soft hair, and I can see spending my life with him.' I almost did, but then I found out that my version of spending our lives together and his version of it differed, and for some reason, some unquantifiable reason, I freaked out. He wanted a house and a real life, and I was just renting." He sighed and took a deep drag from his cigarette, looking out the window as he blew out smoke. "Funny thing is, what he wanted for us? I want exactly the same thing for you and I."

They were silent for a while as Jason finished his cigarette. "Wow," Nate finally whispered. He pulled Jason back against him again. "You want a house with me?"

"Of course I do!" Jason turned and kissed Nate softly. "Eventually," he added. Nate smiled, and Jason relaxed again.

oOo

Nate's ears pricked when he heard the faint chime of the front door being opened. The diner was closed so Nate leaned a little closer to the order window trying to hear the voices in the dining room. He relaxed when he heard laughing and continued washing the dishes. The light hearted conversation that Nate could barely hear continued until Nate had put the last plate in the drying rack and cleaned the sink.

"Ra-oh," Nate said as he walked out of the kitchen to see Radek pressed against the wall with a familiar looking man kissing him hard and groping his crotch. He couldn't help the smile and soft breathy chuckle as he realized who was kissing his boss. "Sorry, Radek. Um- dishes are... done."

"Nate?" Carson asked as he pulled away from Radek. A second later Carson apparently realized he still hand his hand on the front of Radek's pants, and pulled that away as well.

"Hey doc," Nate said as normally as he could. He hadn't really expected to see Dr. Beckett again, and walking in on him making out with Nate's boss was a bit of a shock.

"Nate is my dish washer, Carson," Radek stepped in. "Nate, you already know Dr. Carson Beckett."  
"Yeah, I do. I didn't know you did though," Nate replied.

"Carson is my lover," Radek told him and reached out to take Carson's hand.

Carson pulled his hand away as if Radek were hot to the touch. "Radek," he scolded.

"Do not be afraid, Carson," Radek spoke softly and took Carson's hand again. "I am no longer your patient; I have not been your patient for many years. It is perfectly alright for us to be in a relationship."

"You were at Phoenix?" Nate asked. "I had no idea."

"Well, Nate, to look at you now, I would have no idea that you had once been his patient as well."  
Nate blushed a little and ducked his head.

"You're doing well then I take it?" Carson asked, finally seeming to loosen up a bit.

"I am," Nate nodded and sat down on one of the stools at the counter. "Things are great, I'm living in Seteda; Ronon is an amazing person. I'm working maintenance for Ronon and working here as well. Jason and I are taking the relationship thing slow, but I have his support and his love. I think I'm going to be good from here out."

Carson nodded and joined Nate at the counter. "That's great; you're certainly surrounding yourself with the right kind of people. I think Ronon and Radek were my two most successful cases... until you that is," he laughed.

"What makes me so special?"

"You had nothing when you came to me Nate, nothing but a faint hope to be someone better. You didn't even think you'd have Jason again, your parents are gone, you have no family, you had been forcibly pulled off death's doorstep. Look at you now; holding down two jobs and in a successful relationship with the man you love more than life itself. Nate, _you_ are the reason my company is called Phoenix, you quite literally came out of the ashes of your burned out wasted life and created something better."

Nate blushed and shook his head. "Doc, you know I don't do mushy. And I'm not going to make commercials for you so don't ask."

"Alright," Carson said. "I just have one question," he turned toward Radek. "Why is he the dish washer?"

Nate laughed and patted Carson's shoulder. "I had the server test and passed with flying colors, he just doesn't have room for me yet."

"Not to mention, my dishes have never been cleaner since I hired him," Radek laughed.

"Yeah, and Jason wonders why I keep buying paper plates."

"Radek, you're causing him to add to the ever increasing pile of garbage in the landfill. Something needs to be done."

"It's okay, I can wait. We recycle."

"Good man," Carson said with a smile.

Nate turned toward the front door when he heard Jason honking the horn. "That's Jas, I gotta go. It was great seeing you again, Doc. Don't be such a stranger."

"No worries, now that I know where you are I fully intend to check up on you."

"Good deal, just, you know, pound on the wall before you start molesting my boss. I don't really want to walk in on that again."

"You got it. Have a good night, Nate."

"Night doc, night Radek." Nate left the diner with a small wave and climbed into the car with Jason.

oOo  
Jason felt like his heart was about to pound out of his chest the whole time he spent driving to Nate's apartment. His car was loaded down with most of his things, and a truck was scheduled for the next day to finish clearing his apartment, but he still hadn't asked Nate about what he was planning. He was going to ask now, and while Jason didn't really think Nate would have a problem with it, there was still that niggling doubt, that fear that permeated Jason's life when it came to relationships. What if Nate felt that what they were was enough? What if he didn't want to be more than this anymore?

Jason knew it was stupid; just the other week they'd been talking about how it would go when they moved in together again. Still, he couldn't help but feel his palms sweat and his heart pound as he parked his car in the apartment lot and grabbed his overnight bag from the passenger seat. He wasn't going to bring up any of his other things until he'd talked to Nate. Better to not mention it and not let Nate know that he'd already moved out than to leave Nate feeling bad.

Nate greeted Jason at the door with a kiss. "Hey, didn't think you were coming by today. Didn't you have work?"

Jason swallowed hard and nodded. "Yeah, but I took a personal day."

"I wish I had as many personal days as you do," Nate chucked as they walked into the living room.

"I time it for when Rodney's tired of everyone's faces," Jason tried to joke, but he could already see that Nate wasn't buying it.

"Jason, what's wrong?" he asked.

Jason sighed and watched Nate sink down onto the couch. "Nothing," he tried to sound convincing, but Nate's expression clouded over.

"Did I do something?"

"No!" Jason paced in front of Nate, wishing for a smoke. "So I was thinking. We've been doing this for a while now, and you've done so well and I'm so, so proud of you." He watched Nate straighten up a little, a pleased smile curling the corners of his mouth. "I was thinking," Jason said again, "that it was time to talk about moving in together."

"Oh," Nate's face split into a wide grin. "Well I don't have much, so it should be pretty easy."

"No," Jason cut him off. "I was thinking I'd move in with you. This place, it's so good for you, and Ronon's amazing and," he trailed off and shrugged. "I've kind of already packed? My small things are all in the car and a truck is coming tomorrow with the bigger things."

"Oh," Nate said again. He held still for a moment while Jason paced, but then he was on his feet and catching Jason by the shoulders. "I'd love that," he laughed, kissing Jason deeply.

Jason fell into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Nate and holding onto him tightly. "Thank god," Jason chucked self deprecatingly when they parted.

"What, did you actually think I was going to say no?" Nate laughed and kissed him again. "I'd never say no to you, least of all about this."

They spent the next couple hours unloading everything Jason had crammed into his car. Ronon helped them, and once all the boxes and bags were in the apartment living room, the three of them sat on the couch with cold beers. "Thanks for your help, Ronon," Jason leaned his head back against the cushions.

"It would have taken you guys ages," Ronon replied. "How the hell did you even fit that much stuff in there?"

Jason chucked. "There's a science to packing."

—-

Jason soon found out that living with Nate was going to mean some adjustments on both their parts. "Do you keep that window open every night?" Jason groaned. The highway was loud through the open window and there was no way he was going to get any sleep. He'd put up with it for about a week, but Jason was exhausted and it was making work hell.

"I sleep better when I can hear the highway," Nate explained, but he got up and closed the window anyway.

"Thank you," Jason curled deeper into the bed and closed his eyes, looking forward to uninterrupted sleep.

Half an hour later, Jason's eyes shot open again. Nate tossed and turned, seemingly unable to get comfortable. "By sleep better, I take it you mean you can actually _sleep,_ " Jason commented.

Nate stilled. "Sorry," he whispered.

Jason sighed and spooned up behind Nate, slinging his arm over his waist. "It's okay, Nate," he assured him. "We'll figure something out. In fact, I have an idea."

"What is it?" Nate asked, snuggling back against Jason.

Jason smiled and kissed Nate's shoulder. "I'll show you after I make it. For now, try to sleep?"

Nate's muscles slowly relaxed as he drifted off, and Jason closed his eyes again.

The next evening, Jason presented Nate with his old Walkman. "I stuck a recorder out the window all day while we were gone," he explained as Nate took the Walkman curiously. "So now we can keep the window closed, but you can put on the head phones and still hear the highway."

Jason watched as a wide smile spread across Nate's face. "Jason you're brilliant," he laughed, kissing him.

—-

Jason was at his desk in the bedroom, his knees drawn up and shins resting against the edge of the desk with his tablet computer brimming with equations balanced in his lap. Rodney had insisted Jason have his current project finished in time for the presentation tomorrow and Jason knew he was going to be up all night. His eyes already felt grungy and he wanted coffee, but he was on a roll and knew better than to stop right then.

A coffee mug was set down on the desk in front of him and Jason looked up, blinking slowly. "Hey," he sighed, a smile curling his lips. "Thought you were watching the game with Ronon."

Nate leaned down and kissed Jason's forehead. "The game's long over. Ronon's been gone nearly two hours."

"What?" Jason peered across the room at the bedside clock. "Shit, it's late."

"What are you working on that's got you losing time?" Nate chuckled, peering over Jason's shoulder at the computer screen.

"Oh," Jason groaned and scrubbed his eyes. "Rodney fired a guy last week who was working on a particularly complicated part of our newest creation. Rodney dumped it on my desk two days ago and wants it finished by tomorrow."

"Can I ask what it is?" Nate asked.

Jason shrugged. "I'm not even sure? Rodney's clearance is so much higher than mine, and he takes in a lot of outside contracts. Each department only gets bits and pieces of a project, not a whole concept. This though," Jason studied the calculations again, "this looks like something having to do with radiation casing. Which, you know, could be anything from a bomb to a power source or something else entirely." Jason glanced up and nudged Nate's arm with his head. "Don't worry, it's not a bomb. Rodney doesn't take on those kinds of contracts."

"It's all just squiggly lines to me," Nate shrugged, but Jason could see the way he was still staring at the screen, as if willing himself to understand. Once again, Jason was reminded that Nate never even finished high school. There were times Jason wondered if it bothered Nate just a little bit that Jason had so much more education than he did, but they never talked about it.

"I was thinking," Nate started, before blinking and turning away. He stripped down to his boxers and went out to the bathroom. Jason heard him brushing his teeth.

"What were you thinking?" Jason asked when Nate came back into the bedroom.

"I'm going to get my GED. Maybe start looking at tech schools or something," Nate finally looked at Jason, his expression shy.

Jason unfolded himself from his position in front of his desk and put his computer down before standing. His knees popped and his muscles protested the change in position, but Jason ignored it as he crossed the room and slipped his arms around Nate. "If that's what you want to do, I fully support that decision," Jason kissed Nate before pulling back and searching his face. "If you're deciding this because of some feeling of inadequacy or something, then it's another thing entirely."

Nate shook his head. "No feelings of inadequacy. Or at least not much. I know if I go back to school for that reason I'd never succeed. No, I think it's time I did it, because I can't wait tables for the rest of my life. I had dreams, and I want to take them back."

Jason smiled broadly and kissed Nate again. "In that case, we'll check out the GED testing dates tomorrow."

"Yeah," Nate agreed. He pulled Jason fully against him and raised an eyebrow. "Coming to bed?"

Jason sighed and buried his face in Nate's neck. "I want to with every fiber of my being," he admitted, "but I have to get this thing finished tonight. Rodney wants it first thing in the morning."

"Okay," Nate sighed. He kissed Jason again before letting him go. Jason watched as Nate climbed into bed and pulled the walkman's headphones on. "Goodnight, Jas."

"Night," Jason gave Nate a fond look before making his way back over to the desk, turning off the overhead light on the way. He settled back down in his chair, took a deep drink from the coffee Nate and brought him, and bent back over his computer.

When the soft sounds of Nate's breathing evened out, Jason got up and took his computer and coffee into the living room. He opened a window and sat in his favorite chair before lighting a cigarette. He was getting fidgety; Jason sighed and made a mental note to talk to his doctor about renewing his prescription. He was on and off the stuff all the time, and he knew he should try harder to remember to take the things. He hadn't been diagnosed as ADD until he was almost out of university and the meds had made a big difference in a lot of aspects of his life. Jason realized he was staring into space and groaned. He pulled the computer back onto his lap and typed one handed as he smoked.

When he was finally comfortable that all the calculations were correct, the darkness outside was starting to look a little pale. His watch said it was nearly six am and Jason knew going to bed now would be useless. He started the coffee maker and took a long hot shower while it brewed. He knew he'd be early to the labs, but it was better than giving into the temptation to crawl into bed with Nate and falling asleep. He remembered to turn off his alarm as he quietly got dressed, then he kissed Nate's forehead, poured himself a large travel mug of coffee, and gathered his things from the living room.

Rodney looked up from his white board as Jason came into the lab. "You're here early," he commented, already turning back to his work.

Jason didn't bother to answer that. "I've finished the calculations, but I gotta say, I don't think this will work."

"Why?" Rodney asked as he wrote, the marker squeaking against the board.

"Because these calculations, they're for radiation casing, aren't they? The amount we're talking about here, with as thin as you wanted the casing, that's not going to happen using any known substance on this planet."

Rodney turned and looked at Jason, his eyebrow raised. "On this planet?" he asked.

Jason gave him a confused look. "Yeah?" He shook his head, "look, all I'm saying is for as much output as you specified, there's no way to make the casing thin. No way that we know of."

"That's up to me to worry about. Where's the calculations?"

Jason pulled out his tablet and handed it to his boss and watched as Rodney flipped through everything. He was silent for so long that Jason began to get nervous, but when he looked up, Rodney's expression was serious. "I think your talents are being wasted."

"What?" Jason asked, taken aback.

"I want you to finish the projects you currently have and then I'm moving you into this department. You will coordinate with Dr. Grodin when you are ready to make the transfer official."

"Yes, sir," Jason swallowed hard and couldn't help the huge grin on his face.

"Oh stop that," Rodney rolled his eyes and turned back to the white board.

—-

The first time Jason came home from work and found Nate doing homework, he couldn't stop smiling. He smiled all through baking the pizza he'd bought, smiled as he brought it and beers into the living room, and was grinning by the time he sat on the couch. "What?" Nate finally asked, his own smile tugging at his lips like Jason's mood was contagious.

Jason leaned in and kissed Nate deeply. "I just like seeing you doing homework for some weird reason," he chuckled. "I really can't explain it."

"Does it get you all hot and bothered?" Nate asked teasingly.

Jason laughed and shook his head. "No, just stupidly proud."

They ate pizza and Jason pulled out his computer while Nate kept working. Jason only had one project left before he could tell Dr. Grodin that he was ready to transfer, and his brain was whirling with excitement over that. It meant more clearance, it meant more challenging projects, it meant being able to pitch his own ideas.

"Okay, so I gotta ask," Nate broke the silence a while later. "How did you get through school so fast and with such good grades when you're always staring off into space or doing five things at once?"

Jason laughed and looked down. Before he'd gotten caught up in his thoughts, he'd been typing one handed and smoking and eating with the other. "I really have no idea. I worked out as much as I could, and then when I actually got on meds for it, it was amazing how easy things were."

Nate shook his head and stuffed his books back into his bag. "Well I'm done. Does that have to be finished tonight or can it wait? I hate it when you don't get to sleep."

"I hate it too," Jason replied. He looked down at his tablet computer and sighed. "It's good for the night. I want to get it done as soon as possible but that's only because I want to go through with the transfer right now. I probably have a few more days with this, realistically."

"So we can both go to bed?" Nate grabbed the pizza pan and the empty beer bottles as he headed for the kitchen. "We both have stupidly early days tomorrow and I don't want us sleeping through the alarms."

oOo

"Aw," Nate grumbled and let the freezer door close.

"What is it?" Jason asked as he rolled their grocery cart over close.

"They're out of cherry cordial ice cream," Nate complained as he started to walk out of the frozen foods section.

"They've probably got some in the back," Jason suggested. "I'll go find someone to get us some."

"No, that's alright, we'll get it later."

"Nate?"

"We'll get it later, or somewhere else. It's fine Jason."

"There's a guy right there who can go back and see if they have more. It's not that big a deal."

"It's fine, Jason. Come on."

Nate watched as Jason looked at the young man stocking the frozen dinners. "You know him?" Jason asked.

"No," Nate replied.

"Then why won't you let me ask him to get the ice cream?"

"Because he'd have to go into the freezer to get it," Nate told him truthfully.

Jason furrowed his brow and looked confused. "It's his job."

"I know, but I don't want to be the one to make him go into the freezer."

"What do you think is going to happen? He has gloves that he wears in there I'm sure."

"Jason, just please, come on."

"Really, Nate, what do you have against freezers?"

Nate sighed, defeated. "They're cold, and I don't like the cold."

"You wouldn't be the one going in there."

"I know, but maybe he doesn't like the cold either."

"Nate, he lives in California, if he gets too cold he can just step outside for a minute and warm up. And since when don't you like that cold? When we were kids you used to love playing in the snow."

"That was before," Nate told him.

"Before what?"

"Before I spent a few nights under a bridge when it was 35 degrees outside."

"What?" Jason asked shocked. "I didn't know you did that."

"I was hitching for a long time before I became a man-whore, Jason."

Jason flinched and looked away. "Don't call yourself that."

"That's what I was, and that's where the money came from. Before that, I had to sleep where I could, not many people were willing to put up a young hitchhiker."

"I wish you'd have called me," Jason said and reached out to cup Nate's cheek.

Nate put his hand over Jason's and chuckled. "Funnily enough, I did once. I spoke to your dad, he told me that I was inhumanly cruel and then he hung up on me. He didn't believe I was me, and... I guess I wouldn't have either if I'd have heard all the news about me being dead."

"I never knew that," Jason said and he sounded completely heartbroken.

"I don't doubt it. Obviously your parents knew how you felt about me, and they didn't want you to get hurt. They didn't know I was really me."

"They could have asked you questions, they could have found out... traced the call somehow. Nate you were lost for all that time and-"

"Jason, it's okay. If things hadn't happened they way they had, then who knows if we'd be here right now? I think we were supposed to go through all that shit so we could appreciate the good stuff we have now."

Jason smiled and let out a small laugh. "Look at you being all philosophical," he said and kissed Nate softly on the mouth.

"Well, you know, I've been hanging out with Ronon too much I think."

Jason laughed. "Come on, we'll get-"

"Excuse me," they both turned to see the stocker holding out a carton of cherry cordial ice cream. "I couldn't help but over hear... you know, that you wanted this."

Nate smiled and took the ice cream. "Thanks man," he said and shook the boy's hand.

"No problem," the kid smiled and hurried back into the back area of the store.

"Huh," Nate said as he put the ice cream in the cart.

"What?" Jason asked as they began walking toward the checkout.

"Humanity surprises me a little bit every day."

Jason leaned in and kissed Nate's jaw. "I know the feeling."

oOo  
Jason had been home from work for just long enough to change into boxers and a USAF t-shirt he'd picked up somewhere along the way when Nate came into the bed room. "Hey," Jason smiled as he looked Nate over. He was obviously just off shift; still in his uniform. Jason had never really thought of a waiter's uniform as being sexy, but he suddenly wanted nothing more than to pull that bow tie off and get Nate naked.

Nate must have seen the intent in Jason's eyes because he grinned and sauntered over to him. "Hey," he replied.

Jason reached up and tugged at the tie, pulling Nate into a deep kiss. Their mouths worked against each other until Nate finally gave in and Jason licked his way inside, exploring. When they finally parted both were panting hard. "Naked," Jason breathed, yanking the bow tie loose.

"Yeah," Nate chuckled, but he was already working on the buttons of his shirt.

They ended up naked and sideways on the bed, Jason on top as he slowly worked his lips and teeth and tongue down the skin of Nate's collarbone. Nate groaned under him, his hips thrusting up, seeking friction. "Wanna blow you," Jason growled against the skin of Nate's belly.

Nate shuddered and slid his fingers through Jason's hair. "Yeah," he whispered.

Jason kissed down along Nate's hip before spreading Nate's legs a little wider and settling on the bed between them. He loved doing this, loved taking Nate apart. He licked over Nate's balls before taking one long swipe up the shaft of Nate's cock. Above him, Nate groaned, and Jason's dick twitched in response. He didn't want Nate to come because he desperately wanted to be fucked, but for a little while he knew this would be okay.

"God, fuck, Jas," Nate gasped as Jason swallowed him down. Jason felt Nate's fingers tighten in his hair, but the slight sting was good. Jason could feel his brain fading out, his consciousness narrowing to the hot heavy weight of Nate's cock and the fingers in his hair. He could lay here and do this for hours, slowly reduce his lover to a writhing, sweaty mess if he chose to.

"Shit, Jason, you gotta stop," Nate finally moaned, and Jason knew he was too close. Reluctantly, he pulled off and kissed Nate's thigh. "Give me the lube," he whispered, his voice hoarse.

"Thought I was fucking you?" Nate panted, but he did as he was told.

Jason smiled. "You are." He held Nate's gaze as he uncapped the tube and spread lube on his fingers and then reached behind him.

"Oh," Nate breathed, and Jason would have sworn that Nate couldn't get more turned on, but he watched his eyes darken further and his breath catch as Jason pressed two fingers into himself.

He couldn't get a good angle and it was a shallow penetration doing it himself, but the reaction from Nate made it completely worth it. Besides, Jason wanted to really feel it when Nate's cock was inside him, so he wasn't planning on prepping himself too thoroughly.

"Do you even have any idea how hot you look," Nate growled.

Jason panted and shook his head. He still wasn't sure what exactly Nate saw in him, but it was enough to know that Nate got this turned on. It had taken Jason a while to come back to himself, to not blush and feel ashamed when Nate said those kinds of things to him. Almost all of his previous lovers had had no use for Jason except as a hole and as a wallet, but Jason was starting to believe in himself again now. "Want you in me," he finally groaned. He pulled his fingers out and lubed Nate's dick quickly before moving up to straddle his hips.

"Oh Jesus," Nate's head fell back and his hips arched up when he realized that Jason intended to ride him. "You're going to kill me, Jason."

"No I'm not," Jason chuckled. He reached behind himself and held Nate's cock as he slowly lowered himself. " _Fuck._ "

Nate made a choked sound and his hands moved to Jason's hips gripping him hard enough that Jason knew he was going to have bruises. He didn't mind though, he loved the marks Nate left on him. "God, Jason, I'm gonna lose it."

Jason sank all the way down and held still, letting himself adjust and giving Nate time to calm down. "No you're not," he told him. "I want you to fuck me for a while before this is over."

Nate smiled at him and ground his hips upwards. "Yeah," he agreed softly. "You're so amazing."

Jason leaned forward and kissed Nate, more a wet press of their mouths than an actual kiss, but the movement had made Nate's cock shift and press against interesting places. Jason reared back and moaned, his hips moving of their own accord. Nate met him thrust for thrust, his strong hands helping Jason move with him.

"Can you come from this?" Nate asked breathlessly, and Jason nodded; he was panting too hard to speak. Nate was hitting his prostate with each hard thrust and Jason could feel the pressure building inside him.

"Gonna," he gasped, and Nate gripped his hips tighter.

"Come for me, Jas," Nate groaned, "come all over us."

Jason felt his voice break as a harsh sound crawled out of his throat and he slammed himself down hard, freezing has his body seized. Nate moaned as Jason clamped down around him and Jason felt his head go fuzzy as he stripped himself and Nate with come.

When he came back to himself, he was sprawled over Nate's chest. Nate was still hard inside him, but he'd stopped moving. "Jas?" Nate asked, his voice tight.

"Do it," Jason whispered. "Keep going, please, need to feel you come."

Nate helped Jason off and rolled over on top of him, wasting no time before pushing back inside. "Gonna fuck you hard," Nate told him, and Jason nodded, making his heavy legs move to wrap around Nate's waist.

Nate pounded into him hard and fast, and the mix of sensory overload and pleasure was enough to drive what little brain power Jason had left clean out of his head. He kept his eyes open by sheer force of will, wanting to see Nate, to see every expression as this man moved above him and in him. When Nate came, Jason thought it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his life.

oOo

Nate pushed the door open and hurried into the apartment. "Jason," he shouted as he rushed into the bedroom. "Jason."

Jason came out of the bathroom, shampoo still in his hair and running down the sides of his face, a towel wrapped loosely around his waist. "Nate, what's wrong?" he demanded.

"Fuck, Jas, you'll never ever believe what happened to me today!" Nate said as he flopped down on the chair Jason had brought from his apartment.

"What?" Jason asked and moved over closer to Nate.

Nate grinned and shook his head. "This is going to be a story, Jas, maybe you should finish your shower before I get started." He watched as Jason went back into the bathroom, only to return a moment later looking just the same as he had, minus the shampoo.

"So," Jason prodded as he sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Nate. "What happened that had you shouting my name before you were fully in the apartment?"

"So, there's this guy," He began and watched Jason's face fall. "No no, don't think things like that, you know I'd never leave you."

"I wasn't thinking that," Jason protested, but it didn't sound like his heart was in it.

"Yes you were; I could see it all over your face. But we're not talking about that."

"Okay, what _are_ we talking about then?" Jason asked.

"Okay, look, I have to tell you this story in a certain order, you have to know the background first, otherwise I'd tell you what happened today and you'd say 'So, what the fuck ever,' okay."

"I'd never say that," Jason protested.

"Maybe not, but you'd think it."

"Okay, so what happened?"

"Okay, so there was this guy a long time ago. He... uh- well I suppose you could say that he... um- well, he paid for my services."

"I'm not sure I want to hear anymore of this Nate, you know how I feel about that stuff."

"I know, Jason, but I'd like you to listen."

Jason sighed and nodded. "Alright, go ahead then."

"He was kind of a freak, and I'd learned to charge more for things that make me feel weird. So I was charging the guy a ridiculous rate and all he really got out of the deal was a blow job and a broken nose."

"You hit him?" Jason asked with a laugh.

"Well I didn't mean to. He just... he put me on my knees beside his legs as he sat on the couch watching TV. He petted my hair, and that wasn't so bad, it actually felt really good. But then he called me Nathan and said I was his good boy, or something along those lines."

"Is this story going to have a happy ending, Nate? If not, just stop there."

"No it'll have a fantastic fucking ending."

"Okay then, continue."

"So, I'm doing my tables today and I see a familiar looking guy walk in just after the lunch rush and wouldn't you know he sat at one of my tables."

"It was him, wasn't it?" Jason asked, his mouth in a tight angry line, apparently deciding to ignore the fact that Nate told him the story ended nicely.

"It was him, and he recognized me. I took his drink order, and when I brought it out he asked how I was doing. I told him I was fine, and I asked if he was ready to order. He said I looked good and I stepped back from the table a little bit. I told him that I don't do that stuff anymore and that he shouldn't think that he was going to leave the diner with anything more than a full belly."

"Good, what'd he say?"

"He said he didn't do that anymore either. Apparently he has a great guy in his life that does all the freaky things he could ever imagine and then some."

"Great for him, why does that make you excited?"

"We talked for a little while before he made an order. I told him I was in school and trying my level best to actually make something of my life. Then he told me his full name," Nate couldn't keep the grin off his face.

"And?" Jason asked impatiently.

"His name Is Jack O'Neill, Jason. As in the O'Neill School of Avionic Engineering."

"No shit," Jason said, his tone flat and shocked.

"No shit," Nate confirmed. "He asked me if I'd be interested in enrolling for classes at a drastically reduced rate since he... and I quote, "put me through hell that night." I almost fell over right there."

"So what'd you say?"

Nate shrugged, "I said no, that I'd rather not ride the coat tails of a guy who made me kneel on the floor."

"What?" Jason asked, his mouth falling open.

"I said yes, of course. How could I pass that up? Working on planes is what I've wanted to do my entire life... except for that brief period where I wanted to be a pirate ship. Jason, I start classes next semester!"

Jason grinned and jumped off the bed, leaving his towel behind as he straddled Nate's hips.

Once the wet and impossibly deep kiss had broken, Jason pulled back just a little and smiled, cupping Nate's face. "I'm so proud of you, Nate," he said softly before kissing him again.

"Thanks," Nate replied through the side of his mouth an instant before Jason's tongue stopped him from speaking further.

oOo  
"Jas, I know you want this to be the best party on the planet, but really?" Jess sighed and looked around the apartment. "Streamers?"

"I didn't get confetti so be grateful," Jason shot back, smirking as his sister shuddered.

"You are _never_ planning a party for me," she told him firmly.

"Whatever," Jason laughed. "Your babies will love the parties I throw for them."

Nate had been clean for one year and there was nothing Jason wanted to do more than have a huge party and show off Nate and everything he'd accomplished. The plan was for Radek to give Nate a ride home, telling him that Jason called and asked because Rodney was keeping him late. In the meantime, Jason decorated and Jess directed from her place on the couch as she gently shook the playpen the babies were in.

A knock at the door made them both freeze. "That can't be Radek already, could it?" Jess hissed.

Jason shook his head. "No way, they'd have had to close early and Radek wouldn't do that." He went to the door looked through the peephole, but all he could see was a very large cake.

"I know you're in there," Ronon's voice rumbled through the door.

"You brought a cake?" Jason grinned as he opened the door.

"What's a party without cake?" Ronon asked.

Soon after that, Carson arrived, followed by John and Rodney. A few minutes later, there was another knock on the door and Jason grinned as he went to answer it. He'd had to look hard for these two, but it had been worth it when he'd spoken to them on the phone.

"Hey!" Jason greeted happily.

"So yer Jason," Damien Sevoir shook Jason's hand after he let them inside. "It's good ta finally meet yeh."

Wes Ferreh pulled Jason into a quick hug. "Good to see you again. You've grown up, lad."

Jason rolled his eyes. "Thanks," he laughed. "He's gonna be so happy to see you guys."

When Radek finally knocked on the door, everything was ready. "What are you knocking for?" Jason heard Nate laugh. "I have a key. And remind me why you followed me up here again?"

"I did not say," Radek replied.

Jason heard Nate's key in the lock. "Well, whatever, I guess. You coming in too? Want a... beer...?" the door opened and Nate stopped dead as he took in the sight before him. "Oh."

Jason grinned as Radek slapped Nate's shoulder. "One year clean, my friend. Congratulations."

"Thanks," Nate said faintly as he looked around at everyone. His gaze finally landed on Jason. "I never could have done it without you."

"There's the man of the party!" Damien cut between them and gave Nate a huge hug. "I was worried about yeh, mate. It's good ta see yer doin' well."

"D!" Nate laughed and hugged him back. "Holy shit, man."

"I know," Damien laughed. "Hey, I want yeh ta meet Wes." Damien turned and threw his arm around Wes' shoulders.

Nate grinned and shook his hand. "It's good to meet you. D talked about you all the time."

"He talked about you a lot too," Wes chuckled. "When Jason called us there was no way we were going to pass up coming to see you."

Jason let their friends keep Nate busy and went to sit next to his sister on the couch. "What do you think?" he asked her. It was the first time she'd seen Nate since they'd come to New York.

Jess smiled and squeezed Jason's hand. "He's done so well."

Jason nodded, watching as Nate laughed at something Damien said. "Yeah, he really has."

oOo

Nate turned onto his side and pulled Jason's pillow close to him. He pressed his face into the fabric and jerked fully awake when it kissed him. "Jas? You're home," he said.

"I am, you are too," Jason replied.

"I have the day off."

"So do I."

Nate raised his eyebrows and pulled Jason's hips close to his. "Really? Both of us have the day off?"

"Seems that way," Jason said as he ran his hand down Nate's back and cupped his ass. "What on earth are we going to do with ourselves?"

Nate chuckled and pushed Jason onto his back, kissing him firmly as he ground his hips down against his. "I'm sure we'll think of something."

"Hey, how about a shower, and some breakfast, and then we spend the rest of the day wrapped around each other?"

"Only if we can shower together," Nate replied and rolled off of his lover.

"That's why I said _a_ shower instead of showers."

—-

Nate groaned as Jason pressed into him with a slow thrust. They were both dry and Nate hadn't been prepared, which was how he liked to bottom. The first time he'd asked Jason to fuck him, and then took the lube out of his hand, it had taken Nate almost half an hour to talk him down enough to actually be able to do it. Jason had been so worried that he'd hurt Nate, and no matter how many times Nate told him that it would be fine, that he liked a little pain Jason was still afraid. That first time had been so slow and tense that it was almost painful, but not in a good way. Nate had to keep talking to Jason to let him know that he was alright and that Jason wasn't hurting him too much. Now though, they'd done it a few times and Jason had loosened up quite a bit. The burn was perfect and Jason knew just how to move, knew how to bring Nate the most pleasure possible.

"Fuck, Jas," Nate panted as he pressed his fingers against the shower wall. "I love you so much."

"Love you too," Jason replied and started planting soft kisses and light nibbles on Nate's neck. Jason's hands were sliding smoothly up and down Nate's sides, occasionally moving forward the rub his lower belly, but never touching his aching cock, but Nate expected that. Jason had warned him that he wanted to see if he could make Nate come from nothing more than a dry fuck.

Nate groaned as Jason began nibbling his earlobe. "You're so beautiful, Nate," Jason said softly. "I love the way you just give yourself to me, how you trust me to take care of you, to not hurt you."

"I do," Nate panted and began rocking back against Jason's cock. "I do trust you, you'd never hurt me."

"Not ever. You've always trusted me, Nate, and I've always trusted you, believed in you. I knew you were mine the second I saw you."

"Jason..." Nate panted, reaching behind him and gripping Jason's thigh, digging his fingers in deep.  
Jason grunted and thrust into Nate even harder.

"You're so tight Nate, you've changed for me and I love you even more for that. You fit me perfectly, you were made for me and I was made for you."

Nate moaned and gripped Jason's thigh even tighter. Jason knew exactly what he was doing; he knew how hot it made Nate when he talked about them. He was close, closer than he wanted to be and he began grunting loudly with every thrust, pressing back against Jason to force him even further into his body. "Fuck, Jas..." Nate moaned.

"Yes, Nate. Do it, come for me," Jason replied and finally his hand slid around Nate's body and wrapped around Nate's cock. One strong stroke was all it took to have Nate calling Jason's name as he came.

—-

"That was cheating you know," Nate said as he and Jason snuggled together in the bed after the mind blowing sex on the kitchen table. They'd have to clean up the bacon and sausage later, but it could wait. Normally Nate would say bacon on the floor was a waste, but in this case, the burn in his ass was enough to make him forgive Jason for throwing the leftover breakfast on the floor.

"What was cheating?" Jason asked as he slowly licked a ring around one of Nate's nipples.

"The sex in the shower, you totally cheated."

"How'd I do that?" Jason lifted his head and had the nerve to actually look hurt and confused.

"You said you wanted to make me come just from a dry fuck."

Jason grinned smugly and nodded, "And I did."

"No, you didn't. You knew just what you were doing with what you were saying. Not to mention, there at the end, it felt suspiciously like you put our hand on my dick."

Jason blushed and ducked his head, nipping at Nate's nipple making him yelp. "Ok, so I cheated. I guess that means we'll have to try again sometime."

"I guess it does," Nate replied and pulled Jason up to lay beside him. "But right now, I think I just want to lay here and be with you without having to think about getting up and escaping through the window when we hear your dad's car in the drive way."

Jason laughed and rested his head on Nate's chest, wrapping his arms around him tightly. "Ah, the good ole' days."

"Yeah, not so much," Nate replied, but he didn't feel bitter about anything anymore. "But you know what?"

"What?" Jason asked and looked up at him.

"Now we can spend the rest of our lives doing this, just like we planned when we were kids."

Jason smiled and leaned up to kiss Nate softly. "That sounds like a plan," he said before laying his head back on Nate's chest.

Nate sighed happily and kissed the top of Jason's head. He'd never have guessed that he'd be this happy. He hadn't thought he deserved it, but Jason made him feel like he was worth everything. Jason made him feel like he was made of gold, so precious and rare and such a gift. When Nate really stopped to think about it, his chest hurt with everything he had. He had everything he had ever wanted, and Jason was always going to be right beside him.

"I love you," Nate whispered and kissed Jason's head again.

"Love you too babe," Jason replied and placed a sleepy kiss against Nate's chest.

Nate laid his head back and stared up at the ceiling for a long time before his eyes finally started feeling heavy. He let them slip closed with a contented sigh; his life was perfect.

oOo  
When Jason and Nate went back home for Thanksgiving, it was just Dad greeting them at the airport. He hugged Jason hard before ignoring Nate's outstretched hand and pulling him in for a hug as well. "I'm so glad to see you both," he smiled.

"Where's Mom?" Jason asked as they got their bags and walked to the car.

"She flew to New York to help Jess with the babies," Dad chuckled. "Kevin and Kyle are quite the handful, and Jess was worried about them on the flight. They're older than they were when she flew out for your party."

Jason's nephews were a year old now and they'd been a handful at five months, so Jason completely understood. He hadn't seen them in seven months and he was excited to see how much they'd grown. "That's good she could go help."

Jason's parents had moved since he and Jess had gone away to college. They'd bought a house just outside of St. Louis and Jason was still impressed with how nice it was. Dad showed Jason and Nate to their room and told them he'd leave them to get settled.

"So," Jason said as he dropped his bag. Nate was smiling at him when he turned around.

"Your dad hugged me," Nate grinned.

Jason laughed and pulled Nate close, kissing him deeply. "Of course he did. You're family."

Nate looked a little surprised, and Jason had to kiss him again. They'd been through so much, faced so many barriers, and they'd made it. "So I was thinking," Jason said as he broke the kiss, "since we're in the area, do you want to dig up our time capsule while we're here? I mean I know it's not been the whole time yet," Jason continued, but Nate cut him off with another kiss.

"I'd like that," he told Jason quietly.

—-

The next day, Jason and Nate waited with Dad at the baggage claim and watched as Mom and Jess came into view, the babies in their stroller in front of them. "Look at them!" Jason laughed as he peered down at his nephews. They blinked back up at him.

"I know, it's crazy, isn't it?" Jess laughed and hugged Jason close before turning and looking Nate up and down. "Speaking of crazy," she hugged Nate too. "You look good, Nate."

"Thanks," Nate blushed, but hugged her back before taking his own peek at the kids.

Once they were back at the house, Jason tried to hold Kyle but the kid squirmed until he had no choice but to let him go. Once on the floor he ran over to his brother and assisted him in destroying the bookshelf.

"They're crazy," Jason said as he watched the chaos unfold.

"That's why I'm back here," Nate said from behind the couch. "They can't get me."

"They aren't monsters," Mom scooped Kevin off the floor and hugged him close. She didn't manage to keep hold of him any longer than Jason had held Kyle.

"No, Mom, they really are," Jess laughed.

"They're all over the place, I'm afraid I'm going to step on them," Nate said.

"Can we trank them?" Jason asked, joining Nate behind the couch as the boys abandoned the bookshelf for the coffee table. "I should have brought my meds, this is insane."

"They have to sleep sometime," Nate told him helpfully. "We just have to be strong."

—-

Jason's old house had been bought, but when they knocked on the door, the old man who answered said he had no problem with Nate and Jason digging in his yard. He'd buried a time capsule once himself, he said, and then he sat on the porch swing and watched them work. Jason and Nate had to dig three holes before they found it; they knew generally where they had put it, but the lawn all looked the same now.

Jason laughed as he pulled out their Transformers toys. "Damn we had a lot of fun with these."

Nate nodded and pulled his letter out of the container. "Where's your letter?"

"Oh, I never did write one," Jason shrugged. "Things happened pretty fast for a while and I guess I forgot to write it before I buried the time capsule."

"I know we were supposed to write these to our future selves," Nate said as he held out the unopened letter to Jason, "but I wrote mine to you."

Jason smiled and took the note. They filled the holes they'd dug before sitting on the side walk outside the old house and staring across the street at Nate's old place. The windows were boarded up and it looked tired and smaller than it ever had when they were kids. Jason finally opened the letter and read it. He could feel Nate fidgeting next to him as he read.

When he finished, he had tears in his eyes as he looked up at Nate. "I love you more than anything in the world, Nate," he told him before he kissed him.

Nate smiled. "I know."  
The End  
(And they lived happily ever after)

(...and then they had sex.)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Art for 500 Miles by fawkesielady_ed and padfootthegrim](https://archiveofourown.org/works/250984) by [clwilson2006](https://archiveofourown.org/users/clwilson2006/pseuds/clwilson2006)




End file.
